Friday, October 7, 2011

To all the girls in the world: How to be your best adult self (part 2)

The movies always lie.
In the world of cinema creation, most movies are based on fantasy & a shitload lies. Some of them are fun lies though. I too have found myself sucked into the vortex of cinematic escapism, & I must warn you that's it just your brain trying to trick you in to believing what you are witnessing is indeed real life business. While the drug of the big screen will make you giddy with glee, & potentially moist in the crotchal region (depending on the flavour of movie you watch), here's some things you should know.
  • There is not a magical door to a world filled with talking lions, manhorses & evil magic queens on the other side of your wardrobe. Don't even bother looking. I have tried & was sorely disappointed.
  • Animals don't talk. Not even penguins. This is all bullshit. If you ever watch any talking animal movies during your adult life, & enjoy it, smite yourself with a spiky brush dipped on hot tar. Jesus has no place in heaven for believers of such nonsense.
  • If you date a dude who's family hate your family, don't do a Tony & Maria from Westside Story. Knife fights will always end badly, unless you are a self claimed professional knife fighter like me. And don't be tricked if your Romeo is pretend dead. He isn't. The douche just drank some poison & will wake up later.
  •  Jens Hansen made the Lord of the Rings infamous psycho ring. Sadly Jens is dead now but you can purchase replica rings at Jen Hansen jewellers just down the road from my work. However, don't expect big things from the ring. There won't be hairy footed hobbits, butt ugly monster orcs trying to kill you or flaming vaginas in the sky in which you are inclined to throw your ring. The ring won't hurt you. But I will if I see your wearing one.
  • When Harry Met Sally, she had an orgasm in the restaurant. Well pretended to. Don't be fooled at the apparent ease of an orgasm. The female orgasm is harder to achieve than trying to find an even proprtioned set of testes at a ball sack party.
  • You can not run for 3 years. Forest Gump was what we call in the adult world, a 'special person', or 'a retard'. If you are dropped on the floor at birth or born with a missing chromosome, this does not give you magical powers. While you may be able to achieve great things, running for 3 years is just straight up motherfucking ridiculous & I imagine, not a fun time.
  • Being a Prosti is hard, dangerous work. Richard Gere in Pretty Woman was the biggest load of cockflap I have ever witnessed. While I enjoyed the movie, & have watched it more times than I can count, there ain't no fun in selling your goon for money in the hopes some rich handsome single man will fall in love with you. This never happens. Make your father proud, keep the beave sacred (until you are 25 remember). And never open up a fanny shop for any sums of money, jewels or offers of fine dining.
  • Dancing in any form will never make you money unless you blow someone or get your tits out. This also applies to acting. The movie Step Up, whilst filled with a plethora of hotties, was shithouse. Go ahead, dream big, but dream realistically. 
 FACT: Dancing is for wankers. Dancing in the movies is for dancing acting wankers. This does not apply to Dirty Dancing. Like best movie ever!

Never Try To Move Like Jagger.
The Rolling Stones are an iconic rock group from the 1970/80's. While I loved them with a passion during my childhood years & still do to some degree, they are now a pack of old fucks. This includes the lead singer himself, Mick Jagger. Granted the old bastard can move, but it ain't a pretty show. He resembles a large uber lipped raisin having an epileptic fit. If you tried to dance like this in a club, you'd probably find someone trying to ram their fingers down your pie hole to stop you swallowing your tongue. Never try & be anyone else except yourself.

 Adam Levine, the writer of the Move like Jagger song, is a tattooed pasty skeleton. His little phalange would fill out the ass of his skinnys better than his actual ass. And as for Christina Aguilera. She is a Skankarella. Nothing good ever came out of that Genie in the Bottle girlfriend.

FACT: Never believe the lyrics of a song performed by ugly people. Even if it's catchy.

Itching your beave in public is not polite.
Unless you have eczema. In that case, wear this:

I have eczema in the crease of my thighs. So by default, when I scratch it may look like I am having a darn good muff scratch. And I scratch with the enthusiasm of an en masse frenzied shark attack. I know I shouldn't, but I can't stop myself. It feels so good. Yeah I get strange looks from passing members of the public, but it's mine, therefore I can.

If your eczema is beyond even the help of a good cortisone cream, itch for Africa & do it wherever you have to. You are allowed.

You can not itch your vag in public if:
  • You have crabs or any other itchy STD side affect. Suck it up ho. You did it to yourself.
  • Some prankster sprinkled itchy powder in your undergarments.
  • Because it feels nice & you like touching yourself there. Naughty!
  • Your vagina is having an allergic reaction to the lace on your panties.
  • You just shaved off all your pubic hair. Again, you did this to yourself. Prepare for the onslaught of the most itchiest bitchflaps imaginable. 
FACT: DIY de-fuzzing of your entire pubic mound with a razor will make said mound feel like someone has set your fandazzler on fire. Or it's being eaten by a large colony of fire ants.
The Art of a Lady Fart.
There are two types of farts that come from a woman. An intestinal bubble released from the anus. And a dirty old fanny fart.

For centuries, woman & farting has been something of a myth to all the penised ones. We lose all our womanly charm & sexy points once we drop a baff in front of a dude. Me, well of course I have my owns rules.

Not farting causes pain in the abdomen. So I fart if the need arises. Mainly because I landed me a hot husband who is now contractually obligated to me for the rest of his days. I dropped clangers like a machine before we got married. He knew what he was signing up for.

Repeating what I said earlier in this post, be yourself. ALWAYS. Fart if you need to, right from the start of any relationship. Your new love will know straight away that you mean business & your shit is as real as it's going to get. If he ditches you because he doesn't like that you fart, he can go fuck himself. Don't cause yourself unnecessary strain & pain by trying to hold the gas in.


Farts that come from the vaginal cavity happen. The bum fart obviously gets misdirected & comes out the wrong orrifice. I don't have any answers for it but all I can say is just go with it. The body does what it does & apart from getting a nav man implanted in your body in order to guide the gas bubble down the right passage, there ain't nothing you can do about it.

FACT: Pretend it never happened. Or blame the dog.

Stalking, it's not a crime if he's incredibly good looking.
Never have I written a more truer statement. The key to a good stalking is not getting caught. Being busted by the popo's sniffing a good looking mans panties is totally avoidable.

Are your feelings reciprocated? If so then the stalking is easy. However, if he would rather have his scrotum licked by his dear old granny than date/be seen with/talk to you, don't feel deflated. You can still love him from afar.

Stalking can be a really fun time. Especially if you take chips with you. Here are my safe tips for stalking:

  • Always stalk on foot. Never a car. If you are hanging out your driver side window trying to catch a glimpse of your love leaving his place of work & get hit by a passing delivery van, shit is all over. Literally.
  • Don't waste your money on gifts. J-Lo was bang on with her song, 'Love Don't Cost A Thing'. Instead leave him something personal. Like a dirty grogan, a photo of your vagina (minus your goofy cheese eating grin), a dead animal or used syringe. He'll know you mean business.
  • Stalk & Go. Keep your stalking time to between 1-5 minutes once you have him within your sight.
  • Camouflage. It is important that you blend in with your surroundings. This lessens the chances of being spotted by his mum. Christmas = Santa Claus. Easter = Bunny or Jesus. Wilderness = tree/bird.
  • Stalking at events such as a rugby game is easy. He won't notice you in a crowd of people.
  • Binocs are vital. As are night vision goggles & gloves. If there are no finger prints, you were never there.
  • Always have an excuse at the ready in the situation you do get caught. Such excuses as 'I am looking for my pet ferat' or 'I no speaka da england' or 'I tripped and fell' (on your penis) will be suffice. For more excuses you can email me. I have plenty.Or go to For all your stalking needs.
  • The wonders of social networking will now aide you in stalking from the comfort of your own home. Try Twitter, Facebook or Myspace.
  • No stalking until you are 25.
Image stolen from here.

FACT: Writing a letter to god requesting his hand in making the person of your affections fall in love with you will NOT work. Don't ask me how I know this. Also telling a police officer that the reason you stalk is because he's really really good looking won't help your case in court. Sorry.

The next part of this popular series will include such topics as...
Rejection, is not a real feeling.
How to buy tits. Or love the ones you're with.
Hit me baby one more time. It's not ok.
The Art of Revenge: Staple guns, fire & the running fuck slap.
Protection: from Internet scamming Nigerians, dirty old pervs & AIDS.
The Beave Monster: Rashes, deformed labia's & the mysterious fish odour.

Anyone had a personal experience with stalking? 

Remember to comment your ass off & go in the draw to win Pee & Poo Plush Toys. They want to be yours! If you don't know what the shitting hell I'm on about, read the bottom of this post here.


P.S Epilepsy is not funny. And I don't really think dancers are wankers. Only the ballroom kind.


      1. Fandazzler...I love it. The word, I mean. I don't love fandazzlers.
        True story: My aunt was on a first date and farted, but she shit her pants. He must not have minded, though, because he married her. That's love.

      2. Not farting causes pain in the abdomen. True. So does reading your blog, mate. The crippling pain of repetative -oh-dear-god-make-her-stop-it- laughter. You're obviously on a roll with this one, and I can't wait for the next installment - especially the 'How to buy tits. Or love the ones you're with.' section, since mine only arrived just after 30 and I'm still having trouble adapting to them.

      3. The vag only burns first couple of times you shave! After that is all smooth goodness without the itchy scratchy issues:)

      4. I would like to offer my services as guest poster when the "how to buy tits" subject arises. And I am the muthafuckin stalker QUEEN. My best priend works for the Portland Police Deparment and I make him use his vast array of resources to fuck with my ex-husband in exchange for not telling his parents that he's gay. It's a win/win, really.

      5. Theres so much to say I don't even know where to begin....
        You're amazing.

      6. I think you need your very own dictionary for all the awesome words you come up with. Loved "fandazzler" and afraid to ask what a "grogan" is. ;)

      7. The art of the lady fart is just rolls off the tongue.

      8. Ratatouille was hilarious.

        Mrs. Bitch sent me.

      9. Was waiting for part II to pass on to my 14-year-old daughter. She's gonna take the Nardia and the "selling your goon for money" thing pretty hard (she loves "Pretty Woman"). Tough love...
        PS - Great stuff as usual :)

      10. I am stealing the word "Fandazzler". I wanted you to know. It's going to be used in a sentence this weekend and it's going to be fucking awesome.

        The stalking tips are going to be printed in tiny print and stuck in my checkbook so that I can have it on hand at all times. I always knew that picture of my vagina would come in handy!

      11. It's totally OK for me for a woman to fart. As long as she's willing to ride with the car windows down when it's 30 degrees below zero and sleeting.

        And fucking hell. Narnia exists. I have been there.

      12. I truly HATE that moves like Jagger song. For the life of me, I can't imagine why anyone would want to move like that. On purpose!

        That song makes me want to slap a bitch. Preferably a "tattooed pasty skeleton".

      13. When my son first heard that Move Like Jagger song, he, only being 6, had no idea who "Jagger" was, so instead, he interpreted the words to be "moves like Dragon." Much preferred lyrics I believe.

        Ok, here's an admission for ya: when the hubs and I first started dating, we were in a very quiet room together and one snuck out. I had nobody to blame it on, and he just laughed. He appreciated the fact that I could just do that in front of him. That's probably what hooked him. He's been mine ever since!

      14. I actually say levine perform that song on tv, by accident. I couldn't believe how awful it was! Even by 'summer jam' standards, seriously. The ridiculous lyrics and that gawdawful whistling sample.... *shudder*

        Thanks for confirming my reaction!


      I love reading your comments. Comments are sexy.