Saturday Morning Shit List: June 4th

1: Chapped lips. My lips are flaking off. I don't know why this is happening. People say it's because of the wind but I don't go outside so this is a mystery to me. Winter is a bitch.
The end.

2: Tobacco pipes. Unless you are over the age of  60, have a walking stick & are my Uncle Rob, you have no need for a Tobacco pipe. And if you blow your smoke in my face, start running. I will give you a 10 second head start.

3. The guy who stole 9 pies out of the rubbish skip at the Stoke petrol station & got charged for it. First of all dude that's grot. Secondly I hate how nothings free anymore. Not even garbage.

4: My mystery work guts ache. I had no problems when I was on my 2 weeks leave but as soon as I get back my stomach bloats up & hurts like hell. My pre 2 weeks off bloods & turd tests came back clear. I think I may be allergic to my job? Or the angry rage bile that spews forth is giving me an ulcer?

5: Being unemployed. I am being made redundant in 2 months. It's a depressing prospect but hey at least my guts won't hurt anymore. FYI - I have a back up plan if I don't get the other position I am applying for.

6: When you run out of toilet paper but don't realise until post wee/poo. This isn't a major if there is someone else in the house to get it for you or you are home alone & can do the pants at ankles waddle to get some. This however is an especially bad time if you are in a public toilet.

This has happened to me. At a pub where I was having dinner. After a satisfying bowel movement I was horrified to realise there was no loo paper. So I sat there for about 20 minutes thinking about how I could solve this problem. There was no way I was just going to pull my pants up & carry on with my day. So I stood up, flushed the toilet, opened the door & made sure coast was clear, then I waddled to the next cubicle. It was all so exciting. Imagine being busted doing that!! A 100kg giant bottom running around the toilets with her pants down. (*Thank you Rachellabelle from 'My Hips Don't Lie" for reminding me in one of your posts about how much this shits me off)

image source

7: Complaining about farts. When you announce that you've just farted & people around you automatically sniff the air. Then they get mad & complain because it stinks. Um I didn't tell you to smell it dumbass. That's so your own fault. I like to call it the 'auto sniff'.

8: Mullets. I saw today what can only be described as a manlady (it looked like a dude but had boobies?) walking through the Countdown car park by my gym. Now for those that live in my city you will be nodding your head in acknowledgement right now. You totally know the car park I'm talking about. If you want to see some of Nelson's finest citizens, sit there in your car for an hour. It's an experience. Anyway this manlady had a mullet. Short top & sides, & a whole lotta long at the back. It is common knowledge that mullets are shit. In the movies, on TV, in magazines, everywhere in the world mullets are the epitome of banjo playing deliverance shag your siblings type badness. Yet people still rock them? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9: Mouldy expensive fruit. Cherries being sold at the supermarket for $23.00/kg & they look like this....

I don't care if they are magical gold dusted cherries imported from the depths of the African Congo jungle, you should not be able to sell mouldy shit like this in your store AND charge extortionate prices for it. 

10: Badly Mismatched Boxing Bouts. This guy here has been on a sickness benefit for a sports injury commonly known as 'Tennis Elbow'. His name is Apilate La'asomething I can't pronounce.

This man above with the tennis elbow has been training to fight this hot sexy man below, Sonny Bill Williams, in a fundraising boxing match this weekend in NZ. The lead up to this fight is being followed by the NZ media & showed on the news.

I ALLOW YOU TO LICK YOUR COMPUTER SCREENS LADIES!

Mmmmmmmm Hello Sonny.

I have 2 issues with this. Is it just me or is there a significant physical difference between these 2 boxers? One has an 8 pack & is sex on legs, the other looks like the Michelin man & had bitch tits.

Not only is Mr Bitch Tits completely going to get his ass handed to him (he boxes like a retard, I've seen it) but he's also just got himself into major kaka with the Ministry of Social Development for benefit fraud. Didn't think that one through did ya mate? This whole boxing match is a crock. Oh & that knobhead Mundane is fighting too. He gives me the raging shitters. FAIL.

11: Check up reminder letters from the vag doctor. It fills me with rage & makes want to go out & stab a man.

12: No weight loss this week. Sometimes I just don't get my body at all? I worked out like a bitch & stuck to my healthy eating plan. But you know what, I'm just going to take that & move on. Rant over.

Becky truth for today: I don't drink coffee. I have had one cup in my whole life. It was made for me by a boy I liked after I had specifically told him I didn't like coffee. I liked him so much I drank it anyway. I love the smell of it. Just don't like the taste. Which works out fine because it's one less addiction to get rid off.

Peace out!