People always tell me I shouldn't stress so much at work, because 'it's just not worth it'. Well they can go fuck themselves.
If anyone would like to step in to my work shoes for a day, I'd welcome you with arms wide open. And if at the end of that day, you told me I shouldn't stress because 'it's just not worth it', I would slice you into a thousand pieces of asshole with my machete death stare.
I HATE YOU SCOTT STAPP WITH YOUR ARMS WIDE OPEN
First of all, someone shat in the work toilet today (not once, but three times) & left me to stew in their stench. But not before stopping by my desk to tell me their life problems & whinge at me because they are too fat & apparently don't fit their work shirt any more. My eyes said piss off but the rest of my face must have said please share your woes with me, while I try not to yak all over my desk because you just left your clearly rotting insides floating in the toilet not 3 metres away from me, WITHOUT using the air freshener.
Now hear this motherfucker.......
Sitting on your ass all day is hard yakka on the body. Especially when your as old as Jesus himself & stuff your chubby gullet with pies all day long.Of course your shirt won't fit you anymore!! And if you EVER come in to my office & shit in that god dam work toilet again, I will come & get in to your car, de-trou & lay the biggest nastiest grogan berry on your passenger seat. This I promise you.
I know the person I am venting at will never actually read this, but I don't care. Like the constipation, it feels good to unload.
Not long after this happened, another one of my lovely male counterparts came in to the office to tell me his bullshit. I need to hear more of that please. Like a good jacksie chaffe, I love me a good long one sided whinge session by a serial moaner. While I sat there listening to him drone on & on about whatthefuckever I fantasized about what it would feel like to split his head open like a ripe cherry with my ruler.
Then he says to me 'god Bex did you drop your guts' (re: the smell coming from old man dinosaurs ass contents currently scuba diving in the work toilet). I couldn't even reply. Because if I had of opened my mouth to say something back I would've spewed fiery hot lava in his face. I just took the imaginary elevator down stairs to under my desk where I hid until he left the building.
I sat under my desk for 30 minutes, singing Yellow Submarine by the Beatles quietly to myself & playing Plants verses Zombies on my phone. When someone came in pretended I wasn't there. It was fun & naughty & I felt safe there. Actually I was on my lunch break. And if I want to sit under my desk & have lunch then I bloody will.
Sometimes, when I'm mopping up the badly aimed man wee off the bathroom floor, I feel a bit sorry for myself. And other times, when I come in to work in the morning & the kitchen rubbish bin has exploded all over the floor because it's so dam full & there's shit splattered all over the underside of the toilet seat (which coincidentally is always kept up. The vagina to dick ratio is severely unbalanced), I weep on the inside.
People ask me what I do for a job. You wana know what I do for a job??!! I am someones bitch. Not just one someones, but many someones bitch. And some days it really sucks a giant fuck. I desperately try to guide these men, gently nudge (nag) them to be tidier & a little less disgusting, but I'm such a huge fail in this department. My fury is no match for the 40+ males I work for.
So tomorrow I am going to close the toilet down. It's going to be out of order accidentlyonpurpose. The only people who will be able to use it will be the drivers I like. They already know they can't shit there & never do because they know how much it upsets me.
And hanging from the counter above my desk will be a sign saying this.....
BECKY'S THERAPY SESSIONS CLOSED TIL FURTHER NOTICE.
IF YOU DON'T RESPECT THIS, PLEASE CHOOSE FROM THE FOLLOWING
MULTI CHOICE OPTIONS ON HOW YOU WANT TO BE CAPPED.
a) Ninja kick to to larynx
b) Running fuck slap finishing with a scissor stab to the left aorta
c) Mighty Mighty scrotum bash with the bathroom piss mop
d) Suffocation by plastic bag filled with ones own poos.
e) Having your hands ran over by Becky's fun work chair called Rachel. With Becky on the chair.
f) Be set on fire
Thank you & good night.
Anyone in your place of work get your shit cranking? Vent away people. I want to feel your angry.
Love, me.
P.S This hater rant is not directed at my bosses just in case you guys read this. And I do like job.
P.P.S I am actually ok now. But my jaw aches like buggery from the angry clenching I've been doing all day. Blake always makes me feel better about the world. He's my happy. Seriously though, if he has a poo tonight I will lose my shit all over the place.
