Hatin' On: Christmas shopping

I know you're thinkin how could I possibly top my last epic singing video post. Fact is I can't. I was thinking about showing you my naked breakdancing skills. But I won't do that. However, you should know that I am busy planning my 'Best Bits of Bexstar:2011' video. And there will be another song. I'm not a one hit show pony.

Ok so I hate people. I hate angry crazy shopping people. And at the ass end of the year when the retail stores start putting up their copious glitteraty bullshit Xmas decorations & begin cranking on high rotate stab-my-ears-til-they-bleed-sadness Christmas music, I stay the fuck home cos I don't want no part of that shit show.

Suddenly gone are the days of excuse me, please & thank yous, instead replaced with crazy eyed desperate ho's & their hypo asshole crotchlets ramming their trolleys in to the back of innocent victims knees, smack down slappathons for car parks & normally nice ordinary people turning into feral salivating I'ma gon ravage you if you get up in my bizness pitbull shoppers.

BULLSHIT. No thank you.

I don't handle chaos well. I start sweating from all orifices, angry rage bile starts to rise up my gullet & my right leg starts lashing out with a short sharp fuck kick to the vulva of whoever gets within a metre of my circle of trust. I don't even make it do that on purpose, it just does it all by itself.

Blake refuses to take to me Xmas shopping. Because he says that one day he is going to get his ass beat because of me kicking strangers & yelling obscenities out the car window. I will even kick children. Specifically ones that are unnecessarily misbehaving. I am that crazy. I am this crazy. I want to eat peoples fucking faces off & I don't even need utensils.


So I've discovered something amazing. It's actually something I do all the time yet strangely at Xmas time I forget that I can do this. This thing is called ONLINE MUTHAFUCKING SHOPPING. Every single Xmas present I have bought online. Easy. Done. Fini. No one is left bleeding or with an exposed shattered femur from me judo kicking the shit out of their leg.

I worked in retail for a few years. I blame it completely for turning me in to a rabid people hater. I managed a music store in the local mall & while my staff did most of the work, I shut myself away in the storeroom & ate chocolates. You wouldn't find no Christmas carols being rocked out in my store. Hell to the no bitches. I had to hear that shit every other store I went in to, I wanted to give peoples ears a break. And they thanked me for that. Maybe not openly but I could tell they loved me for it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about Christmas & what it means to me. Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jebus. Yet I'm not religious. So Christmas to me is about spending time with family & friends, consuming a fuck tonne of food/alcohol, not having to work (Holla!), beaching myself the nearest available pool, getting gifted some loot & being thankful for everything in my life that's good.

There are many that go without, because they don't have a choice. And it wrecks me. I wish I could fly all the little African orphans to my pad for a few days to love & nourish them. But I can't do that.

Instead I have bought an array of small gifts to give to the Salvation Army for all those little kids that won't have any sort of Christmas at all. I did the same thing last year. And I've just phoned the local city mission to see if I can help out for the annual Mayors Christmas dinner. Every year the cities smelly bin diving AIDS hobos, abandoned pee pee Nana's & non straight jacketed mental health patients get together & have a mean feed with the Mayor. Plus our Mayor is hot yo. And Italian. I want in. Failing that it's got to be entertaining right? It won't solve all the worlds problems, but it's something I can give.

Moving along, for those that have the unfortunate task of buying for me this year or just straight up want to hook me up with some booty because I'm too god dam awesome, I thought I would give them a heads up by informing them of some of the things I would like. It's vital that they get this shit right.

Just think of how rad my video blogs will be if I'm wearing this. 

Hours of fun!!! I plan on wild striding, while neighing, past strangers open windows.

I like owls. And I like cooking. So I want this.

 I'd really love me a gun pendant necklace. Bang bang. 

However this banger is tres expensive. Le sigh.

A guitar shaped spatula. Rock on.

Diesel Loverdose perfume.
Cos it's important that a ho smells nice.

 

 I want Weeds. The whole series. On DVD.

Because this show makes me hose.

A spensive sexy dress from my fave ho clothes store, City Chic.

And I would really really really like this VW Combi Tent.
Because it's so dam cool. But sadly Blake said no. Boo

A selection of fake moustaches. For disguise purposes when
I get all high on aloneness & sing on the Internet..
Although my homemade pen moustache was the bomb.

A bottle of Cachaca. So I can make me some Cariprinahs on Christmas Day
& completely maggoted. Which in turn may help my husband can get some sex.

Lastly, for Christmas this year I would like a pash. From my Internet boyfriends, funny fucker Shane at Wag the Dad and/or the silver tongued gangsta rapper Social Assassin himself, Mr Crew. With a no tongue though. **Blake doesn't mind. Aslong as there's no dick touching. So I'm like hey hookers, right on then.

** Blake probably does mind but seeing as he is currently away as I am writing this post, I will speak on his behalf. However, both of these dudes  are married & their wives would probably cut a bitch if I tried to get all up on their fullas.Under normal circumstances I would probably have a crack anyway, but seeing as I like their wives, I'll keep my whore hands off. Boo. A bitch can only dream.

What I really want for Christmas this year is for another year of waking up breathing every day, the ability to keep laughing at myself, to not get arrested for anything & many healthy bowel movements.

Blake's home on Saturday (2 weeks went really fast?) & we are going to erect (hehe) our little 40cm led light Xmas tree. I have no time for christmas trees but it would be rude of me to not atleast try & get in to it.

I keep my Christmas joy on the inside. I don't feel the need to vandalise my house with **gay.

**Please note NOT the homosexual kinda gay. Cos I love me some gays.

Are you a Christmas hater or does the mere sight of tinsel & smell of a real pine xmas trees give you a fizzy bunghole? What does Christmas mean to you?

PEACE!.

P.S I have never kicked a child on purpose. You should know that.