Dear Johi. You made my bung fizz.

Dear Johi.

How are you? I am good.

Today my mum left for Wales for a couple of months & I cried. It was raining all day & I was a bit sad because I have no car while Blake is away so I have to walk everywhere. And I don't like getting my chucks wet. Soggy feet doesn't feel nice.

But then I watched your video (go here & watch her awesomeness yourself) & I cried again. Except this time happy bitch tears, because you love me & I love you. And it's summer here so no snow at Christmas time for this hooker. FYI.

I got sunburnt in the weekend. On my boob. On the tops of my knees. And my hands. And my forehead. At least I didn't sunburn my vagina. Just saying.

I went to my step brothers wedding. We arrived late to the ceremony (just after the bride had walked up the aisle) because the fairlane Cadillac we were gangsta trippin in shat itself. While we sat & waited for The Bev (my sisters father in law) to bring us a new battery, the sun raped me.

At the reception my sister & I got ratarsed on champagne. And then something glorious happened. We had a simultaneous urge to poo. So we farted & bum clenched while trying to walk in our monster lady heels to some toilets far away from the marquee where the reception was. Because we have excellent manners, we also text our mum  to tell her we were going to take a poo together.

This probably reminded her of one time when we were 4 & 5 & decided to share the toilet & pee at the same time. Mum busted us both sitting on the toilet swapping chewing gum. It got stuck in our hair. We got growled at.

Anyway we both Hiroshimaed in separate cubicles. There was much crying laughing as the sounds of turds hitting water echoed within that bathroom. I laughed so hard some pee came out which is lucky I was already sitting on the toilet. My sister is fun. I love hanging out with her.

Ok so Johi I made you a video. And I didn't want to upload it because well I am quite shy. But I'm sucking the fuck & putting it up anyway. Don't judge me.

Before you watch it I must advise that you please don't have your sound right up. And please lock your children back in the cupboard with a packet of biscuits, a blanket & a bucket. There is swearing in this.

Also if you need my kiwi accent translated, email me. I can supply a translated script.

Also I don't have AIDS. The light in my lounge is not good.

This is also quite long because I am a fame hungry whore.

Oh & my Winner Wednesday prize for the month of December is this.

A GIANT KNUCKLEDUSTER COFFEE MUG. Every bad ass should have one.

I don't even drink coffee, but I have one of these. Because I'm bad ass. The end.

If you want to win this for yourself follow my blog, & comment your ass off. Because it's xmas, I am giving away two. Huzzah!

Peace, love & badly penned facial hair,

Your Becky

P.S To those that have hurt feelings because I didn't give you a shout out in my video, don't be sad, I was ad libbing & cut a major mind blank. In order to make up for my retarded brain I will give you written snaps instead.

I love Jody the bus driving man hooker, Dan P (Holla!), Rachelle, Chubbs, Misty, Zionstar, Mrs Bitch, Margeritta, Pappatigga (bitch you still need to hook me up with your address), all of you people that visit me at the internet house of B give me special fanny tingles. Just not the goodtime ones because those a reserved for my shit nugget.