Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Dear Johi. You made my bung fizz.

Dear Johi.

How are you? I am good.

Today my mum left for Wales for a couple of months & I cried. It was raining all day & I was a bit sad because I have no car while Blake is away so I have to walk everywhere. And I don't like getting my chucks wet. Soggy feet doesn't feel nice.

But then I watched your video (go here & watch her awesomeness yourself) & I cried again. Except this time happy bitch tears, because you love me & I love you. And it's summer here so no snow at Christmas time for this hooker. FYI.

I got sunburnt in the weekend. On my boob. On the tops of my knees. And my hands. And my forehead. At least I didn't sunburn my vagina. Just saying.

I went to my step brothers wedding. We arrived late to the ceremony (just after the bride had walked up the aisle) because the fairlane Cadillac we were gangsta trippin in shat itself. While we sat & waited for The Bev (my sisters father in law) to bring us a new battery, the sun raped me.

At the reception my sister & I got ratarsed on champagne. And then something glorious happened. We had a simultaneous urge to poo. So we farted & bum clenched while trying to walk in our monster lady heels to some toilets far away from the marquee where the reception was. Because we have excellent manners, we also text our mum  to tell her we were going to take a poo together.

This probably reminded her of one time when we were 4 & 5 & decided to share the toilet & pee at the same time. Mum busted us both sitting on the toilet swapping chewing gum. It got stuck in our hair. We got growled at.

Anyway we both Hiroshimaed in separate cubicles. There was much crying laughing as the sounds of turds hitting water echoed within that bathroom. I laughed so hard some pee came out which is lucky I was already sitting on the toilet. My sister is fun. I love hanging out with her.

Ok so Johi I made you a video. And I didn't want to upload it because well I am quite shy. But I'm sucking the fuck & putting it up anyway. Don't judge me.

Before you watch it I must advise that you please don't have your sound right up. And please lock your children back in the cupboard with a packet of biscuits, a blanket & a bucket. There is swearing in this.

Also if you need my kiwi accent translated, email me. I can supply a translated script.

Also I don't have AIDS. The light in my lounge is not good.

This is also quite long because I am a fame hungry whore.

Oh & my Winner Wednesday prize for the month of December is this.

A GIANT KNUCKLEDUSTER COFFEE MUG. Every bad ass should have one.
I don't even drink coffee, but I have one of these. Because I'm bad ass. The end.

If you want to win this for yourself follow my blog, & comment your ass off. Because it's xmas, I am giving away two. Huzzah!

Peace, love & badly penned facial hair,

Your Becky

P.S To those that have hurt feelings because I didn't give you a shout out in my video, don't be sad, I was ad libbing & cut a major mind blank. In order to make up for my retarded brain I will give you written snaps instead.

I love Jody the bus driving man hooker, Dan P (Holla!), Rachelle, Chubbs, Misty, Zionstar, Mrs Bitch, Margeritta, Pappatigga (bitch you still need to hook me up with your address), all of you people that visit me at the internet house of B give me special fanny tingles. Just not the goodtime ones because those a reserved for my shit nugget.


  1. ENCORE!! Love it Bex you made my night - see you on Thursday :) xx

  2. You sound Awesome Bex even my guitar god husband thought you were (and I quote) 'pretty good'
    pffft to him your rock!

  3. Oh...my...gawd....

    You are a fabulous singer!

    And I LOVE your disguise, it's FANTASTIC! I'm gonna go make one right now.

  4. Wait. You don't drink coffee? How do you live? And suck my work, I don't have flash here and I can't install it, which means that I have to watch this at home, which means I most certainly will be drunk and thus not remember it but I love the coffee cup and I miss you, BEx. I miss you.

  5. Backy, Backy, Backy,
    Your song was every bit as fabulous as I imagined. You sing like a mustached angel of light and goodness. And your accent thrilled the pants right off of me. Thank you so much for the music and the love. I hope that all of this helped pass the time with the hubs gone.

    And I wish I could have been at that wedding with you and your sis- not in the bathroom though because I like to allow family their private time.

    And for the record, that mug is sick and I drink coffee every morning. It is sadly my life blood.

    Off to don some pants.
    Love, Johi

  6. That was Killer!!!! I love it. You rocked my morning (Tuesday 9 am here in Utah, yes one of us freaky Mormons stocks your shiz). I think you seriously should consider a vlog because lady that was even better than when I just read what you fart out your mouth.

  7. Oh, I'm going to have to come back to this post when I've got some sound on this darn laptop. This looks like it promises to be good times.

  8. Before today, my coolest brush with musical stardom was having Rod Stewart tell me I was 'an alright guy' and give me a bottle of tequila. But frankly Rod can do one, because now I've been name-checked by New Zealand's next chart-topping uber-goddess, Becky the Great White Whale Hunter. Your voice was like someone pouring sweet molasses in my ears, you play guitar like a seasoned pro and you make Christina Slaguilera look like a nun singing Pie Jesu. And I do love guitars, so props for the Takamine as well - lovely instrument! I think the video exchange between you and Johi was sublime and I feel for you because Blake is away - I want to travel to NZ and hug you, and brush cake crumbs from your fake moustache for you. PS Thank you so much for the look on Mrs Assassin's face at the phrase 'fanny-spasm', I wish I'd had a camera handy. You make my world brighter as well mate - keep bringing the funny!! x SA

  9. Mrs Social AssassinDecember 7, 2011 at 7:54 AM

    Sorry you are missing hubs, sending big squidgy English (((huggles))) your way! Love the singing - I won't be reciprocating as I sing like a strangled cat, and i'm tone deaf! Mr Assassin despairs..... Big love, Mrs SA XoXoX

  10. My first proper brush with the interweb since returning from some jungle/beach retreat and THIS is what I find. You have made my morning! You've also made my coffee mug seem oh so lame. I need me one of those! (To match my knuckle-duster stress squeezy toy thingy you sent me)

    P.S. I can't BELIEVE you're one of those bitches that can fckng sing and play guitar and make me feel like an absolute idiot when I go out to karaoke with them.

    Much love from the Feej! xx

  11. Hearing you say my name in your accent made my day.....love you hard bitch, and can't wait for the day I hear it in person xoxoxo

  12. At least you both didn't have to poo when you were stuck in the car, right? That would be no good at all.

  13. I'm with Bonnie on this ... I thought I heard my name and actually had to rewind the video to confirm that I heard my name..

    I might have even paused it and gotten up and done a massive happy dance in the middle of the living room... but that's besides the point.

    You have a rockin voice.... and wicked guitar skills.. I'm jealous! You must be a blast at karaoke.. do you do that?

    OH.. and your accent is adorable.. especially when you swear... #dirtywhoremouth forever!

    PSS... I fucking want that mug like you have NO idea.... omg.

  14. I bought a guitar when my daughter was 3 bc I was going to teach myself. She's 19 now and I gave the guitar to my 5 yr old so I am super jealous as well. Your mustache had me rolling and just now I misspelled mustache and my IPhone autocorrected it to moist ache!! True story! I never grooved that. Song it was an in one ear out the other dealio for me until now. No fucking joke your voice is beautiful and I really haven't heard such beauty in awhiile. I will probably revisit and listen to it repeatedly it was that good. I wished you weren't wearing the stache at that time but even with it my eyes tested and I felt a moist ache. And I am ready to throw down with a bitch fir that fucking mug. I live in the ghetto. I pissed off a Panamanian drug lord last week and he had now sworn on his son that he is going to slap me up, so I need it for protection. Just sayin..... :)

  15. Fml teared not tested. Fucking phone. Is there a phone with knuckles attached?

  16. Long time reader but first time commenter. You crack me up with every blog post.

    Love your voice and guitar skills, totally surprised me!

  17. I loved hearing your accent! And you have an absolutely amazing singing voice, bravo! !

  18. Awesome disguise no one will ever know its you! Yesterday I discovered a list for the 7 worst baby products ever. Guess what I found on the list??? Pee's and Poo's! Who would have guessed huh my son thinks they are awesome:)

  19. I need that mug, HARD! And I just figured out how to follow you, so I can be in the running. Woo-hoo! I drink coffee a lot and must have that bad ass mug to up my cool factor. For some reason the hubs and my kids don't find me amusing at all. This will put them in line, err, I mean change their minds.

    And thanks for the blog shout out, yo! Although, I will admit that I cried just a wee tear when I didn't hear you say my name in your fab accent. I feel a little part of me died today. Sniff.

    Your voice is the bomb. But you knew that, right? STILL waiting for my Brad Paisley, though. Get on that, k?

    P.S. Love the way you make Chest sound like Choist with the accent. Fantastic.

  20. Your voice is awesome bex, keep the goodshit up. Luv ya xox


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