Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Stand By Thy Self.

So much stuff has happened in my life in the past 7 months. For the normal hob nobbin chap, head totally blown off.

Me, it beats me down on occasion, but I never stop fighting.

I can thank my life experience for gifting me the giant pair of lady nads I've needed to get through this mad time in my life. Because without it, & some pretty intense insight into my own self, I would've drowned.

How doth one bounce back after having their entire world turned on it's head?

You just do.

And I did.

Here I shall break shit down for y'all. For future reference. Just in case.

  • Move home. I needed to be with my parents. I needed them to love me when the only person I wanted to love me just didn't love me anymore. Be loved. By the people that will always love you no matter what.
  • Cry. Ugly cry face like a Boss. Crying is such a sweet release. It's ok to feel vulnerable. It's ok to feel sorry for yourself. And it's A.O.K to cry your goddamn guts out if you are hurting like a bastard. If you don't cry, that shit will fester inside you & become toxic. Like angry snake venom. It will make you do bad shit to yourself & others. I know this.
  • Don't stop listening to music. I played my first wedding dance song over & over again until I felt nothing but empty. Deal with the pain. Head up. Eyes forward.
  • Reach out to your friends. God knows without mine I'd still be sitting at my parents house hey-ho-ing to my own pity party, crying like a ratfucksonofabitch accepting that my life is over. Go out, laugh, drink, dance & be reckless. Blub into your wine. It's actually ok.
  • Leave your house & do stuff. With people. OR fake it til you make it. I turned up to my place of work every dam day. I didn't miss a beat. I turned up when I didn't even feel like moving my carcass one inch out of my bed & leaving my parents house. On the inside I was a broken soul, but on the outside I was fighting that shit hard. Double fisted punches to the guts of it. With a smile on my face. Your inside broken self will eventually catch up to your outside happy fake self.
  • Let be what is. The universe always has a plan. Out of respect to the other person involved in the demise of my own marriage, I will not go into detail. However what I will say is, someone (a new friend) has happened upon me. Open your arms & welcome the strange & unexpected. And don't question it.
  • Eat. Take care of you. I've lost 17kg since the end of July. Not because my stomach was sad & couldn't eat anything. Because bitches be knowin how I love to pie-hole nom nom nom. I just decided to lose weight. Again. This was my decision. I did it for me.
  • Love thy self mad hard. Just because someone else who was a big part of your life doesn't love you anymore, doesn't mean you are any less stellar than you were previously. People change. Rejection is a bloody hard beating to take, but take it regardless.
  • Spend time alone. I had a bench seat on my parents deck that had a solitary rock in the garden in front of it. I would sit on this seat, looking out over the bay with my bare feet on the rock. I would sit there & smoke cigarettes. I would cry, but mostly I would think. It became my thinking rock. My head in the sky & my feet planted firmly on terra firma. Getting shit done.
  • Don't second guess your decisions. EVER. Go with your gut. Because your gut is ALWAYS right. I call it Ninja intuition.
  • Buy yourself nice things. Like shoes & handbags. It's a ladies prerogative to surround herself with beautiful things when she herself is not feeling so beautiful. I did this. I now have a wardrobe full of shoes I will never wear (because faces, namely mine, will be broken) & a maxed out credit card. Those impractical shoes saved me.
  • Never lose sight of the big picture. Big picture = life beyond the now.
  • And finally.......be grateful. Be grateful that you are breathing & have the power to live on. Some people don't get that chance.
Live in the present, look towards your future & learn from your past.

For the first time in my 34 years on this planet, I am free. Free from putting others needs before my own, free from the restraints & responsibilities that others have always needed from me. I have a good job, I have my own space that is mine & I have a sense of well being that I have never experienced before.

No man's tragedies are greater than another's. I have had plenty. But each one has given me just a little bit more strength, patience & grace to deal with the next.

People are confused by the haste in which I have picked myself up. To them I say this, don't question it. Don't fret or worry about me, because I am just fine. It's your own energy you are wasting.

Accept that I am really ok.



P.S This post is very gappy? I'm not sure what happened but enjoy scrolling x