Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Concrete Birds.

When I was 12 years old, after a long day at school, I spent the night at home with my Dad & sister while my Mum worked.

While laying snuggled up on the couch with my Dad & sister, he disclosed to my sister & I that he no longer wanted to be married to our Mum & that he would probably be leaving our family unit soon.

I had sensed for over a year that all was not well with my parents marriage, but I was 12. I didn't have to worry myself about their business.

1 month later, I got home after school one day to find a note from my Dad saying that he loved us both, but he was leaving.

And just like that he was gone.

I phoned my Mum at work to tell her that I had found a letter from Dad & read it out to her over the phone.

Her sobbing, still to this day lays buried deeply in my head. That kind of human emotion, pure devastation & heartache, sticks to you.

I had to step up BIG TIME. My role in my family went from being an eldest daughter to that of the protector & caretaker for my sister, & my Mum.

The years that followed really sucked. My Mum moved my sister & I away from our hometown, to start a new life in Nelson.

I said goodbye to my childhood friends.
I said goodbye to my Dad.
I said goodbye to my entire 13 year old life.

My teenage years weren't easy either. My mum had spinal surgery & wasn't around a lot due to her long extended stays in hospital. My Dad remarried another woman 3 years after my parents marriage ended. He married a woman who had been a close family friend.

It took my Mum forever to get over that hurt. And I lived through her pain.

Onwards into my twenties, I hit it the ground running. Drinking, gambling, abusive relationships, you name it, I probably did it. It was a delayed rebellion. I spent my teens being a grown up & since I was no longer required to take care of others, I decided it was time to get myself into some shit. Learn some lessons per say.

My pain & hurt for my lost youth & broken home had manifested itself into some toxic evil concrete birds that clung to my shoulders. They dug their talons in hard.

While buried deep in my own grey bird cloud, one day mid September 2005, I met a boy who had his own flock of concrete birds on his shoulders too.

Together, as the bestest friends in all of the lands, we ninja kicked the shit out of each others concrete birds, & everything became a little less heavy.

Fast forward another 2.5 years, that boy & I decided we loved each other & we wanted to be together, forever til the end of time. I'd never felt love like that before. That free & easy kind of real love that we all wish to have in our lives.

From the very first moment that this boy confessed his undying love for me, & I in turn chose to walk that path with him, I knew that he was the one for me.

I have been really happy for the last 6 years. Truly ridiculously stupid happy. Finally free from my wild & haunted past.

I am no fool when it comes to marriage & love. I know that marriage takes A LOT of hard work. I know that it takes two people to make all aspects of marriage work.

When we decided to stand in front of all our family & friends & promise to love, honour & cherish each other for the rest of our lives, I meant every dam word I said. Through the good shit, & the bad shit, right to the end. I told him right from the get go, I am a fighter. I don't give up when shit gets tough, because I won't repeat history.

Divorce is too common these days & it makes me sick. My generation seems to think that marriage is something that you can just wipe off your shoes like a freshly laid dog shit.

Sometimes you really don't see stuff creeping up on you.

My marriage is over.

Like DONE done. As of just over a week ago.

After 2 months or so of heartache for both of us, it was a mutual decision to seperate. He has grown up & wants to explore the world. And I have lost myself in our marriage & I need to find myself again.

If someone had of told me back in April this year, that this was going to happened, I would have snort laughed all over their face. Because it's so ridiculously unexpected.

The people I have told have been all like WHAT THE FUCK? I know guys. I am having fleeting moments of what the actual fuck quite often. We were meant for each other? For a short while it seems. But as it turns out, we make better best friends & suck at being married people together.

My concrete birds are back. Just for a little while as I figure things out & piece my world back together.

Right now, I am an emotional zombie. I know that I will be ok, mainly because I am undoubtedly awesome, but in this moment, right this very minute, I am a little bit broken. I never wanted this for myself. I loved being married & I was proud to be married to him. Moral of story, shit does happen.

Thank you to my friends & especially my family for lifting me up the last few weeks.

Love your people. But most importantly, love the ever loving shit outta yourself. Because when those concrete birds come swooping to weigh you down with life's troubles, YOU are all you have.


P.S Look out world. I'm back! Starting with my dear chums in the Isle of Wight, Emily & Kev. See you next year in June. I'm buying my tickets tomorrow & this bitch is hitting the UK & Europe for a couple of months. Whoop!