Thursday, August 16, 2012

Breaking News. Well actually yesterday's news but I'm slow. Like a turtle.

WARNING: The word fuck is utilised numerous times in the post. If you are offended by this word, stop reading now. I've been raped by a flu virus. I'm not sorry for the f-bombs.

Remember in my last Olympic news with Bex post, how I had a slight dig at the Belarusian she-man who beat our Valerie at the women's shot put? Well punch me in the throat twice with a bag of marbles, that dudelady has just been done for doping at the London Olympics & lost her gold medal title. Mutha. fucker.

The roid machine, who I have fondly named Ben, was tested twice, before & after the event, both times the tests came back positive for the steroid Metenolone. Naughty Ben!!! Of course Ben is saying that she has been framed & that the tests are completely wrong.

Well guess what my thick thighed questionable gender friend.......that gold medal gangsta chain you be rockin round your sweaty neck cleavage..... we is coming for that shit like a pack of hungry sharks. We will chew it from your neck if we have to. I am not lying.
Ben claims she did not know where the steroids came from.

Maybe while she slept, a magic drug lord fairy biffed some steroid flavoured fairy bread into big Ben's open snoring pie hole. And then she ate it without even knowing because she was too busy wandering the Underworld in her dreams eating small children & kittens.

Or maybe because her English wasn't so crash hot, she walked into what she thought was an London pork pie shop which wasn't a pork pie shop at all. It was a back alley drug den. And then she kept repeatedly falling on a needle filled with roid juice. Which is not like eating a pork pie at all.

Ben, let me refresh your memory. You jacked that shit into your veins buddy! Most people don't forget jamming a needle filled with illegal performance enhancing drugs in their own body. But hey, you got caught up in your undeserved golden glory, so you forgot.

Ben is also claiming that our kiwi girl who got the silver medal, drugged her. He-bitch please!!! You got straight up busted. Life is real tough cuz.

As the story unfolds, Valerie Adams, our million dollar baby shot putting machine, has now been awarded the gold medal. This pleases me. I don't like seeing good people getting doofed by dicks who neglect to follow the rules.

Bummed Out Ben. It sucks being a sucker.
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Rant over.

So, I'm still sick. God dam shit fucking sick. Everything went tits up again last Friday night. I was in the kitchen happily constructing a long awaited dinner for my love, glad that I had made it through another working week whilst still feeling slightly below par. Next thing, my face heats up like grandma in the dildo shop & I'm dropping like it's literally a million degrees hot. IN MY FACE. This also included me dropping a whole pot of cheese sauce all over the kitchen floor.

I then proceeded to become delirious & scream out maths timetables & swearwords for the next 6 hours to no one in particular, while my body tried to boil my brain using my skull as the cooking vessel.

I don't remember much of it but I do know that I sweat like I have never sweat before. And I yakked & shat, sneezed & coughed til my brains came out my nose. I was left a weak shaky version of my former self wondering what in the fuck was going on.

Clearly I was sucking hard at life. Somewhere along the line in the last few months, I stumbled on a bad health rock made completely out of shit & festy ball sacs.

It turns out I have a virus. A nasty hell virus that won't shag off & let me get on with ma bizness.

The doctors made me wear this facial horror.


I was not happy. I get they didn't want me hacking my infected spores in the faces of innocent people but seriously, if I am turning into a brain eating zombie, I'm not going down alone.

So when they weren't watching, I pulled my Asian SARS mask down & coughed my ring out. All over everything. Eat my Zombies AIDS every body!!!

Every time I exhaled, my glasses fogged up. So not only did I look like the biggest dick in the universe with the leper mask on, but I couldn't bloody see the high school bitches that were laughing at me on the other side of the waiting room through the condensation on my bifocals. I felt vulnerable & sad.

The good news is, I am on the mend. I am taking a 3 day weekend & I am heading away for some R&R. This R&R 3 day weekend may or may not include staying in a holiday home with 10 other people & getting completely ballsed for my best girls 30th birthday.

I won't be drinking though (Boo). I need this sickness to fuck off. Drowning it in alcohol won't help. But you can bet your sexy asses that I will be fun. It is my duty as best friend of birthday girl to bring the fun Becky.

Before I go I have a couple of things to say.

Apologies for not replying to any of your sexy comments. The zombies aids virus made my fingers fall off so I couldn't type. Luckily the same magic druglord fairies that fed Ben the steroid laced fairy bread managed to re-attach the fingers. And here I am. Ta daaaa!!!

Second of all, I think I need to explain something. One last time. And it's not your fault ok. I get that it's confusing, especially if you've never been to this side of the planet. But for the love of god, look at a map!!

I do not live in Australia. I live in New Zealand. They are two completely seperate countries.

I still love you though.

Lastly, Happy 30th Birthday to my beautiful soul sister Kylie.

You are so much braver than I will ever be.
And I know, out of all the people in my life, you would have sat beside me today wearing the leper zombies AIDS mask so I didn't feel stupid on my own. And when those bitches laughed at me you would have killed them with your eyes.
You make me fun.
You make me cry laugh like a wheezy old cow.
I am happy knowing that when I am 80 & my boobies point south, your boobies will point south too. And we will swing them side to side like church bells & eat dirty bird & laugh about the diabetes that we never got.

I love you so. dam. hard.

Here's to another 20+ years of tomdickery my china xxx



Peace & love folks!!








P.S Apologies for the consistent theme of me banging on about being sick. I promise next week I will be healthy x

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Olympic News with Bex

It's been two weeks since my last confession since I last posted. In between turning 33 & my body trying to murder me & being constantly balls deep in busy, I am left with little to no energy when I get home from work. Plus the Olympics is on. I am pretty much non-communicado during the Olympics. Because I love that shit hard.

Here is a list of things I think about the Olympics.
1. Spandex.
Suffocated diddles & lady bangers all over the show. While I don't pay particular attention to the beaves monsters, one finds it literally impossible to not look at the clear outline of ones penis when snuggled tightly in spandex. I look on in wonder at how none of those boys seem overly self conscious that all that stands between their dangly bit & the outside world is a nut hugging piece of cloth. I don't have a problem with it per say. I just don't get how no-ones bothered. If I was an elite sports person representing my country which would never happen due to me owning a pair of uber boobs, I would be covering that shit up. Mainly because my glorious fangina likes to eat my pants sometimes.
2. Funny names.
We have confirmed early on in my blogging life that I am quite immature for my age. While that may be the case, I dare you to say out loud the names I am about to write here & tell me you don't omit a small laugh at at least one of them.

Fanny Babou - swimming, France
Semen Antanov - basketball, France
Andreas Bube - trace, Denmark
Imran Butt - hockey, Pakistan
Yoshie Takeshita, volleyball, Japan
Gavin Smellie, track, Canada
Peter Mankoc, swimming, Slovenia
Carole Peon, rhythmic gymnastics, France
Victoria Poon, swimming, Canada
Werner Muff, equestrian, Switzerland
Dong Dong, trampoline, China
Shitaye Eshete, track, Bahrain

And my all time favourite........Hulk, soccer, Brazil

3. They are all freaks of nature.
I'm not sure what god or whoever invented people (I'm still torn on this one) was on when he invented athletes, but these Olympians are freaks. Whilst watching the woman's 10,000 metre run (aka hellfuckery of the highest order) over the weekend, I had to hold my pillow over my face to stop me from sympathy vomiting for these bitches. It's sick man. Awesome sick. Never in my life so far have I woken up & thought to myself, I might just try running 10,000 kilometres today to see if I'm any good. Because in my world, THAT IS NOT FUN. Same applies for Triathlons (I would rather eat a jar of bees) & the funny duck walk marathon (I would rather be face raped by a camel spider).

4. The Horsey events.
I don't get it. I sat & watched the dressage & I still have no idea what the hell happened. It's a little bit like awkward horse ballet. Then the rider gets all the medals. Which I think is total bullshit.

If I am not mistaken, the devil beast did all the work? Therefore it should get the medal/flowers & stand on the podium doing the ugly crying face while it's national anthem is played.

5. You just won a medal bitch, get happy.
Yesterday I watched the men's lightweight double sculls. Our fullas got 3rd. Right on Storm & the other guy whose name I can't remember!!! Team GB got silver. And one of them cried like a bitch. Because he was sad his seat broke.

While I fully support our competition, especially the Brits cos I got me a whole bunch of British homies, one would think that before the race you would check that all your shit is working? Yes no? Zac Purchase's seat popped off like a midget in a cabbage factory. Hard luck guys. Those Danes road like the clappers & in the end, deserved to win the gold. I'm sincerely sorry you only won a SILVER FUCKING MEDAL AT THE OLYMPIC GAMES!!! Jeeze...... lets drink wine & get depressed y'all.

6. Cry me a river.
Note to self: learn how to cry without looking like I just necked a whole shit tonne of lemons, in case I ever get myself on international TV for being baller at an Olympic sport. This will never happen (see number 3) but it is important to pre plan just in case. Because I ain't going out like this......

I like to call this one 'The Pirate Cry'
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Mace in the Face


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Smelly fingers & Pain in Loins


I just won gold.
Please call me a Waaaaambulance.
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ME SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.
(said in the voice of Ludo from The Labryinth)
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I like Andy Murray.
He is doing the Pirate Cry as well.

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I would just like to state, for the record, that I would cry too. I have an uncontrollable emotions problem. So it's ok guys, don't feel like a dick about it.

7. Gender Confusion.
I watched the shot put this morning while getting ready for work. Our girl Valerie Adams was competing & I bloody love her. Anyway she ended up getting a silver medal which is awesome, but my issue is that she got beaten by this dude. In the woman's shot put. Tell me I am not wrong?


However, this dude is awesome. Like for real motherflippin kickass awesome. I love all people no matter their gender, race or sexual preference. If you have a dick & like to compete in women's sporting events, fair play to ya. You have a bigger pair of scroti than I will ever have. Literally.

________________________________________


Some much has been happening since we last spoke. A ball point pen exploded in my hand at work without me noticing & I smeared it all over my face like I was about to go duck shooting. No one told me. So spent all day walking around like a cool guy with blue ink all over my mug. Awesome.

For the first time in a month, I felt like cooking a delicious meal for my love. And everything was going well until I was seasoning the dish before popping it in the oven, & the lid came off my salt grinder & salt went goddam everywhere. I couldn't save the food. So instead I chucked a massive wobbly in the middle of the kitchen.

Last week I celebrated my 33rd birthday. However on my actual birthday I was too sick & too busy to acknowledge it. How can someone be too sick yet too busy at the same time you ask?? Well I can. Because in my own way, I too am a freak of nature.

Happy Birthday to Becky.
Cutting my works 50th Birthday cake on my 33rd birthday.
Very sick & slightly ratarsed. Hence the shit eating grin.


I got a swearing tourettes turtle from my lovely German friend Miriam. He isn't a real turtle. And when you press his left turoob (turtle boob) he shouts out all sorts of expletives. She also gave me a bell that I can ring when I fancy a shag from my husband. Ha.

Peace, love & turtle boobies,