Thursday, August 16, 2012

Breaking News. Well actually yesterday's news but I'm slow. Like a turtle.

WARNING: The word fuck is utilised numerous times in the post. If you are offended by this word, stop reading now. I've been raped by a flu virus. I'm not sorry for the f-bombs.

Remember in my last Olympic news with Bex post, how I had a slight dig at the Belarusian she-man who beat our Valerie at the women's shot put? Well punch me in the throat twice with a bag of marbles, that dudelady has just been done for doping at the London Olympics & lost her gold medal title. Mutha. fucker.

The roid machine, who I have fondly named Ben, was tested twice, before & after the event, both times the tests came back positive for the steroid Metenolone. Naughty Ben!!! Of course Ben is saying that she has been framed & that the tests are completely wrong.

Well guess what my thick thighed questionable gender friend.......that gold medal gangsta chain you be rockin round your sweaty neck cleavage..... we is coming for that shit like a pack of hungry sharks. We will chew it from your neck if we have to. I am not lying.
Ben claims she did not know where the steroids came from.

Maybe while she slept, a magic drug lord fairy biffed some steroid flavoured fairy bread into big Ben's open snoring pie hole. And then she ate it without even knowing because she was too busy wandering the Underworld in her dreams eating small children & kittens.

Or maybe because her English wasn't so crash hot, she walked into what she thought was an London pork pie shop which wasn't a pork pie shop at all. It was a back alley drug den. And then she kept repeatedly falling on a needle filled with roid juice. Which is not like eating a pork pie at all.

Ben, let me refresh your memory. You jacked that shit into your veins buddy! Most people don't forget jamming a needle filled with illegal performance enhancing drugs in their own body. But hey, you got caught up in your undeserved golden glory, so you forgot.

Ben is also claiming that our kiwi girl who got the silver medal, drugged her. He-bitch please!!! You got straight up busted. Life is real tough cuz.

As the story unfolds, Valerie Adams, our million dollar baby shot putting machine, has now been awarded the gold medal. This pleases me. I don't like seeing good people getting doofed by dicks who neglect to follow the rules.

Bummed Out Ben. It sucks being a sucker.
image source
Rant over.

So, I'm still sick. God dam shit fucking sick. Everything went tits up again last Friday night. I was in the kitchen happily constructing a long awaited dinner for my love, glad that I had made it through another working week whilst still feeling slightly below par. Next thing, my face heats up like grandma in the dildo shop & I'm dropping like it's literally a million degrees hot. IN MY FACE. This also included me dropping a whole pot of cheese sauce all over the kitchen floor.

I then proceeded to become delirious & scream out maths timetables & swearwords for the next 6 hours to no one in particular, while my body tried to boil my brain using my skull as the cooking vessel.

I don't remember much of it but I do know that I sweat like I have never sweat before. And I yakked & shat, sneezed & coughed til my brains came out my nose. I was left a weak shaky version of my former self wondering what in the fuck was going on.

Clearly I was sucking hard at life. Somewhere along the line in the last few months, I stumbled on a bad health rock made completely out of shit & festy ball sacs.

It turns out I have a virus. A nasty hell virus that won't shag off & let me get on with ma bizness.

The doctors made me wear this facial horror.

I was not happy. I get they didn't want me hacking my infected spores in the faces of innocent people but seriously, if I am turning into a brain eating zombie, I'm not going down alone.

So when they weren't watching, I pulled my Asian SARS mask down & coughed my ring out. All over everything. Eat my Zombies AIDS every body!!!

Every time I exhaled, my glasses fogged up. So not only did I look like the biggest dick in the universe with the leper mask on, but I couldn't bloody see the high school bitches that were laughing at me on the other side of the waiting room through the condensation on my bifocals. I felt vulnerable & sad.

The good news is, I am on the mend. I am taking a 3 day weekend & I am heading away for some R&R. This R&R 3 day weekend may or may not include staying in a holiday home with 10 other people & getting completely ballsed for my best girls 30th birthday.

I won't be drinking though (Boo). I need this sickness to fuck off. Drowning it in alcohol won't help. But you can bet your sexy asses that I will be fun. It is my duty as best friend of birthday girl to bring the fun Becky.

Before I go I have a couple of things to say.

Apologies for not replying to any of your sexy comments. The zombies aids virus made my fingers fall off so I couldn't type. Luckily the same magic druglord fairies that fed Ben the steroid laced fairy bread managed to re-attach the fingers. And here I am. Ta daaaa!!!

Second of all, I think I need to explain something. One last time. And it's not your fault ok. I get that it's confusing, especially if you've never been to this side of the planet. But for the love of god, look at a map!!

I do not live in Australia. I live in New Zealand. They are two completely seperate countries.

I still love you though.

Lastly, Happy 30th Birthday to my beautiful soul sister Kylie.

You are so much braver than I will ever be.
And I know, out of all the people in my life, you would have sat beside me today wearing the leper zombies AIDS mask so I didn't feel stupid on my own. And when those bitches laughed at me you would have killed them with your eyes.
You make me fun.
You make me cry laugh like a wheezy old cow.
I am happy knowing that when I am 80 & my boobies point south, your boobies will point south too. And we will swing them side to side like church bells & eat dirty bird & laugh about the diabetes that we never got.

I love you so. dam. hard.

Here's to another 20+ years of tomdickery my china xxx

Peace & love folks!!

P.S Apologies for the consistent theme of me banging on about being sick. I promise next week I will be healthy x


  1. Yay for Valerie! i read about that - Ben seemed reckless in her doping. And I'm sorry you're sick. Bleh.

    1. Ben was a dumb shit. Obviously the roid juice had messed with her ability to know the difference between right & wrong. I hope heshe learnt her lesson.

  2. Holy body fluids! You sure do let us visualize your miserableness to the point, I smelled vomit when I clicked on your page. I think you're on to something - surf & sniff.

    I do hope you feel better soon.

    1. Cheers bro. I feel better. That may be because I am replying to this comment nearly 10 days after you posted it. I really need to stop by Barfly. I have sucked lately at everything.

  3. Oh you poor poor Bex!! I am so sorry that this flu virus has violated the hell out of you. Damn rapist virus! I really hope you kick it's ass soon. Get well, babycakes.

    And fuck those high school cunts. I think you look hella sexy in that mask. All mysterious and shit. I really think they should make thos masks black and also give you an eye mask with it. That way, you will look like the raddest superhero ever, and everyone else will look all boring and regular and shit.

    Happy Happy to your best girl! Have a grand time this weekend. I hear that's the Aussie way!! ;) (Kidding! I totally know you are a damn Kiwi, chica).

    1. I love you Misty. For reals. One day I will see your real's one of my life missions. You, me, Jen & Johi need to have a group chat on skype or something. And you can wear a mask if you wish to keep your mystery.

  4. ooooh yea - comments are sexy - lol! I just found your blog - love it :)

    Just wanted to say that sometimes drowning it in alcohol DOES help.

    Have a fabulous weekend and get better.

    1. Thank you random anonymous stranger. Please come again :)

  5. I don't know why they waste their time with steroid testing---a quick junk-grab would settle most disputes.

    1. Agreed. I would like that job. Testing the boys of course. I couldn't bring myself to beave grab a stranger. Not unless someone drugged me & used my hand like a puppet.

  6. Jumping Shitballs and Snockrockets! I hope you feel better!!!

  7. I think you top the record for being sick the most out of anyone I've ever met (or not met).. hope you feel better soon!

  8. I do hope you feel better and have an amazing weekend. Seriously, I am learning about new countries all.the.time. When I lived in the US I could have sworn that Africa was a country and that Hawaii was next to California. No Joke. I know about New Zealand because your Masterchef was hysterical in it's loveliness and your rugby team is...I have no words to describe that awesomeness! (I even did a whole post about it!)
    I still have no idea where NZ is...but I am aware of it's existence! (I promise to go look it up)

  9. I'm very late to this post, sincerely hope you're all well now? You totally rocked that mask btw. Was the Birthday weekend awesome? Funny, as you speak of Geographical errors, your Feedjit is telling you that a visitor from Durban, KwaZula-Natal is reading this post. Nope, it's me - and I'm in Johannesburg Feedjit, 568K or so from Durban.

  10. Kyes - Why didnt I see this one!! I love you sooooo damn hard out my favem minga!! Im so lucky to have you in my life and call you my best friend xxx


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