Something happened to me yesterday guys that I believe requires some discussion.
It's no secret that I am pretty tough. There's not much in the world I am afraid of. Except for the possibility of my cigarette lighter exploding in the back pocket of my jeans & melting the denim to my ass cheek. I'm also scared of gas bottles, Robocop, the Stephen King IT clown, people dressed in gorilla costumes, slipping on the pedals of a bike & breaking my vagina, & spiders crawling in my ear while I sleep, laying eggs, & the baby spiders eating my brain.
The one major mindfuck terror that stands out from all of the above is BEES. Bees, wasps, hornets. Basically anything that can fly, & sting me at the same time.
Have you ever seen a chubby blond girl fuck kick a bee mid air? My guess is probably not.
Anyone that knows me, mainly my friends, will tell you how scared I am of bees. I once jumped out of a moving vehicle when a bee flew in my window & attempted to rape sting my face. The vehicle wasn't moving fast, but I panicked & did the only thing I could do to escape. I flung the door open & commando rolled the hell outta that car.
I hurt my leg, but I would rather deal with a bung leg for eternity than a swollen bee stung face.
FYI & sorry in advance for this shithouse photo, but I needed to ram home why I hate bees so much & I'm all about using visuals to get my messages across.
This photo haunts my dreams.
This is what a bee face rape victim looks like.
This is what I see in my head when I am bee fighting, hence why I am so powerful.
Someone told me once that bees are attracted to the colour blue. Personally I think that's bullshit. I think they are attracted to the colour skin. Or the colour rainbow.
I enjoy the ocean, & try to spend as much time at the beach as possible in summer. However, whenever I do go to the beach, I spend the majority of my time there running up & down the beach like a woman possessed as I am chased by a bevy of flying stingy insects. It rips my tits so. dam. hard.
Blake says it's because I always try to fight them. Something within me will not let me just sit & take shit from a bee or wasp with the possibility I might get bitten. FUCK that. So I throw some punches & Usain Bolt it outta there, or I try to smack them with a stick. And if that doesn't work I hide under a towel or go & sit in the car.
I don't know why the flying insect population of the world are always trying to ruin my life?
Maybe in a past life I was a real bitch queen bee. And I made all the other common bees clean my feet. Or maybe I was psycho bee killer that roamed the lands with a cigarette light & an aerosol can burning bees going about their business?
If this is the case, bees/wasps/hornets of the world (cos I know y'all read my blog), I very am sorry for any violence committed upon you in any of my past lives.While I understand you are probably not all about gettin one up on the humans, it is obvious you have two major advantages on us. You have the ultimate superhero power of flight. And you have a prick on the end of your ass that can break through human skin & cause ridic amounts of pain & unnecessary swelling. You should know that I will continue to smoke you at every opportunity if you do not except my apology. I have held out the olive branch of friendship between man & bug, but this is how I roll. No matter how hard I try to mentally will myself to sit & take your shit, my body will not let me. I am an uncontrollable force. For this I cannot apologise.
This brings me to today's story.....
If only there had been a camera in the alley beside my work yesterday.
It's no secret, I'm a smoker. Some people like to masturbate to shark porn or steal sandwiches from babies, well I smoke. The world keeps on turning.......tie me to a pole & stone me if you want. But you should know that I will burn you with my mind powers for being a mean judgemental hater.
Anyway yesterday afternoon, whilst enjoying my mid arvo cigarette break, a fat ass whore bee decided he wanted in on my quiet time. Now I ducked & dived from that little bastard like a fatty blond Mohammed Ali, but due to the bee only weighing 0.1 gram & being able to fly, he matched my rapid movements without missing a beat.
It soon became apparent to me that I was on the shit slide to loserland with this dick bee. He had no plans on leaving me alone until he'd rammed me with his death venom. So I did what any normal panicking human would do........I threw my cup of tea at it.
Alas, to no avail. I had achieved nothing but waste of a good cup of tea.
As the bee continued dive bombing me, I decided to bring out the big guns & attempted to stab him with my lit cigarette. I'm not normally one for burning harmless insects with cigarettes but when needs must, a bitch gotta do what a bitch gotta do. Plus this insect was obviously not harmless.
For another minute we danced together in the alley way. My badly timed & slightly retarded looking stabs at mid air with my fag were wasted effort. And as it came at me one last time, I was overcome with a feeling I have never felt before. Blind poo in pants panic.
One thing I have discovered about me when in the throes of a massive freak out, gravity is my friend.
I must have got at least half a metre off the ground & fuck kicked that dam bee right in it's skull. It flew (not because it could actually fly, but because the force in which I kicked it was basically batman type shit) right outta my personal space & onto the busy road outside my office.
Who knew I possessed that ninja-like power. I do not like losing.
I'm not sure what happened to the bee, but just between you & me, I reckon it probably died. Because I kicked it's ass.
The bad part of this story is, my post fuck kick landing was poorly judged & my old skin bag of meat & bones landed in a dusty heap on the dirty piss stained concrete of the hobo alley. I also put a hole in the knee of my jeans. This doesn't bother me though. It adds to the look I am going for, badass as shit bee killer.
If there is one thing I learnt about me today, that has absolutely nothing to do with what I've just been talking about..........I would never EVER try & force feed my banger the crotch of my purple stocking jumpsuit in a quest to form a cameltoe for photo taking opportunities. This is a yeast infection waiting to happen. And definitely grot.
The Mumble Pants Whore. *shudder
One thing before I go........big juicy love to all those that voted to get their favourite kiwi funny bitch back on the list. Shit yeah!! And Noa you are by far the funniest bitch of all time. It's kinda choice being a part of your elite gang of funny bitches. Merci beaucoup.
Also, because I feel like I need to cleanse your mind of the hungry fanny photo above & I just really really like you bitches, here is some Johnny Depp man poon. (sorry fellas. You will just have to make do with the walking STD above).
Peace & love