100 Shades of Becky

1. I got my tonsils out when I was 5. The doctor asked me to take my knickers off & I cried. My 5 year old brain couldn't understand why I had to take my knickers off when the operation was in my throat, not my bottom.
2. I am love with a crazy man who goes by the name of Daniel. He is the fire in my belly. And sometimes I want to drop kick him.
3. I hate feet. I don't care if you are a foot supermodel. Touch me with those bad boys & I'll chew them off the end of your legs.
4. I have a huge ass head. Thankfully it doesn't look out of place with the rest of my body. I can't fit one sized fits all hats. This upsets me.
5. I lost 25kg in 2011. And I hardly ever blogged about it. Because I'd rather write about scrotum & farts.
6. My celebrity pass is Dave Grohl. I would grind his man chop till I chaffed my banger right off. He's not really a looker but dam I bet he'd be a cracker in the sack.

7. I am a musician. Currently on a sabbatical. Mainly because if I didn't take a break from the constant harassment from drunks, I was going to cut some bitches. Plus I have nodules growing on my voice box.
8. I haven't busted a crotchling out my lady beave yet. It will happen soon. I promised my mum.
9. I have been to Africa, England, Scotland, Mexico, Argentina, Dubai & Australia. I love to travel. I want to come to your house for dinner.
10. I'm pretty sure in one of my past lives I was a mentally deranged psycho killer. I am strangely very creative in thinking of ways to murder things/people. 
11. I would never actually murder anyone. 
12. I love KFC. I rarely have it. I could eat fried chicken til my ass fell right off.
13. I find it a whole lot easier to hate everyone until they prove likable. In saying this, I've never actually met anyone I've hated. Hate gives you wrinkles.
14. Contraire to popular belief, I rarely fart.
15. I will never apologise for having an opinion. I will only apologise if I offend someone with my opinion .
16. I am allergic to extreme rapid temperature changes. I break out in itchy welts all over my body.
17. I am allergic to Feijoas. They give me hives. However, it does not stop me from eating the fuck outta them.
18. My sense of humour is an acquired taste.

19. My parents divorced when I was 13. My mum raised my sister & I. I love my mum & sister bigger than the oceans.

20. I love my job. I work for a global freighting company. I am known nationally as dick punching Bex which makes me very proud. I am trying to get the 'dick punch' officially added to our induction manual.
21. I am a fully qualified massage therapist.
22. I am scared of the dark. And spiders. And clowns. And feet (see number 3).
23. I have been arrested once.
24. I am a recovering gambling addict. I will be for the rest of my life.
25. Before I go to sleep I build a beaver dam around myself with pillows.
26. I once ate the inner contents out of a meat pie then filled it with tomato sauce & ate it. I love tomato ketchup hard.
27. I like to read in my leisure time. My favourite book is 'The Power of One' by Bryce Courtenay.
28. When I finish a book, I give it away. I like to spread the joy.
29. I am obsessed with makeup & beauty products. This obsession is partly the reason why I am always broke. My man beast made me a special place where I sit & paint my face with cosmetics (make myself more beautiful) every day. It is my haven.
30. I live in a 2 bedroom flat. I hate it, but it's home.
31. I hate grocery shopping. So I buy my groceries online.
32. I will always laugh when someone announces they farted & everyone sniffs then gets mad because it stinks. No one to blame except themselves for willingly smelling someones fart.
33. My sister got a trampoline spring hooked behind her eyeball. She got to wear a pirate patch & I cried with jealousy.
34. I have had numerous miscarriages. Each one has physically ruined me. Mentally I take it on the shoulders like a brave soldier. Because I'm tough like that.
35. I believe that everything happens for a reason. It makes the shit stuff easier to take.
36. When I'm home alone I go wees & poos with the toilet door open. Because I can.
37. I'm not scared of dying. Just the not knowing when & how it will happen.
38. I am a compulsive undie changer. I change my undergarments 3 times a day. I like it when my beave monster feels fresh & clean.
39. I taught myself how to play the guitar when I was 9. I have 2 guitars. A GB7 series Takamine & a Gretsch g5120 White Falcon. They are both sexy beasts & make me tingle in my special place.
40. I don't own any matching bras & panties. I think lingerie is expensive bullshit. So does my boyfriend. Thank Christ.
41. I do not drink coffee. I did for 3 months when I gave up smoking & it made me tired.
42. I have smoked cigarettes on & off since I was 15. More on than off.
43. My blog is the best thing I ever invented. I like having my little place in the universe to share my feelings/hate rage/fart stories. I read every single comment & mean to reply, but mostly I forget.
44. I have punched two people in my entire life. A transvestite who hand raped me on a bus, & a boy called Kyle that I dated in my teens who secretly had the hots for my sister the whole time we dated. This became apparent to me at a party one time when my sister was piss drunk on the couch & I found Kyle trying to eat her face with his tongue. It felt good when I clocked him in the gob.
45. I enjoy riding bicycles but my partner won't let me because he says I'm dangerous. I take that as a compliment.
46. I tired Zumba once & decided that it's not for me. Gravity does not allow my body to move that quickly.
47. I would rather have my vagina sewn shut for the rest of my life than willingly jump out of a plane with a parachute attached to my back.
48. If I could have dinner with 2 people, living or dead, it would be my Grandma & Bob Marley. Both of these people have touched my life in ways I can not explain.
49. I have been in love three times. The first time nearly ended me. The second time I learnt some big life lessons. The third time has been the most challenging but I'm still in it. He is the one.
50. I will only eat purple wine gums & Jetplanes. They taste like awesome.
51. I have to wax my chin every second day or I will grow a full on lady beard. If you catch me standing in the sunlight my chin glitters with blonde fuzz. Fuck you age & hairy face genes!
52. I am revolted to the point of small mouth vomits when I think about the prospect of breast feeding a baby. My mum says the urge to tit feed comes naturally when you give birth. Gag! But sure ok.
53. I am not religious. However, I will never frown upon those that are.
54. I love meat. Bacon in particular.
55. Someone once did a poo in the bush outside my old work place office. I am pretty sure it was a hate crime.
56. I rarely drink. I consumed my life's worth of alcohol in my late teens & twenties. I hate wasting a day of my life feeling like a bag of assholes with matching hair. Plus I can still be fun Becky without getting ratarsed.
57. My two favourite songs to have a solo dance party to in my lounge is 'Valerie' by Amy Winehouse & 'Put a ring on it' by Beyonce. When I dance alone I am unbelievably awesome.
58. I have two favourite movies. Pulp Fiction & The Green Mile.
59. My favourite song lyrics are 'Something so true is what I get from you. And I hope that you see, you get the best of me' - 'So True' by The BlackSeeds.
60. One of my ultimate life goals would be to record a duet with Eddie Vedder.
61. Another life goal would be to have Taco Bell with Jen Reinmuth. And then go punch some drunk college students.
62. I hate those retards on JackAss. I lost all respect for them when they slingshot Steve-O into mid air in a portaloo. And then the hairy one died. It was inevitable really. Once you stick a toy car up your date, there's no coming back from that.
63. I don't watch much TV but I am obsessed with Netflix. They are the most ridiculous bunch of assholes. Especially that Situation dickflap. However, I find them strangely entertaining. Dont hate on me now.
64. When my step dad died of cancer I recorded a song that was played in the background over a photo montage of his life at his funeral. My eldest niece who was nearly 7 at the time sat beside me & wept quietly when a photo came across the screen of my step dad holding her on the day she was born. That was the day I discovered what a broken heart feels like.
65. When I get home from work every day my clothes fall off like Jim Carey in Bruce Almighty. Clothing suffocates me.
66. I know approximately 52 slang words for the word 'Vagina'.
67. I use the word 'Vagina' in conversation at least once a day because I enjoy the look on people's faces when I say it.
68. If I had to choose one disease to have it would be **Tourettes. I would enjoy being funny by accident. **Tourettes is not funny. If you or someone you love has it, then I am sad for you.
69. I always write the word AIDS in capitals. It's very bad thing & worthy of capitals.
70. When I go to the mall & see kids sitting in the foodcourt eating Happy Meals, a small part of me dies. I will never ever let my yet-to-be-created child eat McDonalds. Not while he/she is too young to make their own decisions. McDonalds is kiddy crack & the child obesity epidemic is not stopping. Kids don't get fat on their own. I won't carry that burden on my shoulders.
71. I glued my sister's hand to a phonebook with superglue. When we were bathing together she pooed in the bath. I felt obliged to punish her.
72. I know 7 people right now that have cancer. Sadly, one of these people is my dad. And it hurts me so bad.
73. I have discovered which one of my taxi drivers has a willy dribble problem & constantly leaves pee on the toilet floor. I don't know how to tell him he has a problem.
74. When I was 11 I was forced to dress up as Eva Peron & sing 'Don't cry for me Argentina' at an inter-school concert. People wept.
75. I hate Politics. Last time we had elections I voted for the Legalise Marijuana Party. Not because I smoke it, but because I can.
76. All my household cleaning products are natural & eco-friendly. I can't save the world from itself but I sleep better at night knowing we do our bit.
77. I have an ongoing eczema problem in my groin area. When it flares up I scratch it like it's a competition. To the average passer-by it looks like I'm giving my growler a good man handle. I try to do it in private but sometimes the itch is unbearable.
78. Blake gets mad at me when I fling my leg up in the air at a 90 degree angle in the middle of the night & scratch my groin eczema. He says it feels like there's an earthquake.
79. Ricki Herbert, the coach of NZ's Soccer team once bought me a tequila shot & told me I was a fine lady. He was drinking in a bar my band was playing in. I had no idea who he was. My soccer friends hated my face so hard.
80. I love my in-laws. I am the only New Zealander in their family. They are good people & I am so glad they chose NZ as their new home.
81. On my 16th Birthday my mum threw me a surprise party which wasn't a surprise because I sat on my sisters chest attempting to squash the life out of her until she told me what was going on. My mum took my friends & I to a country themed bar in town where we sat & drank raspberry & cokes & watched my mum & her friends line dance. I will never be allowed to live that down.
82. I still think my mum is cool even though she did line dancing for a short time.
83. My favourite soda drink is raspberry & coke. You can't get it anywhere else except NZ because no one else in the world has realised it's awesome powers nor do they have the recipe.
84. I would like to become a professional judo chopper. So at least when I write about my mad judo chopping skills it would have some merit. Same applies for fuck kicking.
85. My life wouldn't be complete without Chips. I have tried to con Blake into covering his naked body with chips & letting me eat them off him but he says no because he doesn't want to get chip crumbs in his ass crack.
86. Somedays I really can't cope with life. But I get my ass up outta bed & I go live it anyway. To get things back in perspective I watch videos of babies laughing in YouTube. Those dam babies get me every time.
87. I want a black pug puppy & I want to call him Pinky. But Blake says no. If I was a gambling woman (see number 24), I would bet half my ass & a bag of "googley" (my 4 year old nieces special word for red liquorice) that I will get one oneday.

88. I normally get what I want. Mainly because I have amazing powers of persuasion. They are called boobies.
89. I work really dam hard for everything I have.
90. To date, this is the funniest picture I have ever seen.

91. When I was younger I collected erasers. And stickers. I had a shoe box full of different erasers. Ice cream shaped eraser. Lollypop eraser. Matchbox car eraser. McDonalds fries eraser. I was balls deep in eraser dickery & I loved it.
92. I have a ginga friend called Matt. But I call him Mattmoo. We have been friends since we were babies & our parents used to get mashed together every Friday night while me, Mattmoo & my sister wrecked shit outside or played 'Schools'. Mattmoo used to like bashing my sister. And I never stopped him. Mattmoo also had bad asthma & belonged to the asthma club. They gave him loads of stickers. Which I stole.
93. I can cook like a boss. My specialty dish is a chicken & potato curry followed by vegan brownie. Lordy it's good!
94. When I was in Junior school, I was in love with Hamish Greenwood. He threw dirt in my hair & told me I needed to lose weight. And then he became my boyfriend for two days. Best 2 days of my life. 
95. I am afraid of gas bottles. I refuse to get in a vehicle if there is an empty bas bottle inside.
96. My middle name is Kiley. My best friends name is Kylie. There is no connection whatsoever.
97. My first name is Rebecca. My mum calls me that when I've been naughty. It still happens...
98. I have 5 tattoos.
99. My toilet air freshener smells like Vanilla Cake.
100. If I died tomorrow, next month, or 40 years from now, I want to everyone to know that I have had a really wonderful life.

Becky x