Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Stand By Thy Self.

So much stuff has happened in my life in the past 7 months. For the normal hob nobbin chap, head totally blown off.

Me, it beats me down on occasion, but I never stop fighting.

I can thank my life experience for gifting me the giant pair of lady nads I've needed to get through this mad time in my life. Because without it, & some pretty intense insight into my own self, I would've drowned.

How doth one bounce back after having their entire world turned on it's head?

You just do.

And I did.

Here I shall break shit down for y'all. For future reference. Just in case.

  • Move home. I needed to be with my parents. I needed them to love me when the only person I wanted to love me just didn't love me anymore. Be loved. By the people that will always love you no matter what.
  • Cry. Ugly cry face like a Boss. Crying is such a sweet release. It's ok to feel vulnerable. It's ok to feel sorry for yourself. And it's A.O.K to cry your goddamn guts out if you are hurting like a bastard. If you don't cry, that shit will fester inside you & become toxic. Like angry snake venom. It will make you do bad shit to yourself & others. I know this.
  • Don't stop listening to music. I played my first wedding dance song over & over again until I felt nothing but empty. Deal with the pain. Head up. Eyes forward.
  • Reach out to your friends. God knows without mine I'd still be sitting at my parents house hey-ho-ing to my own pity party, crying like a ratfucksonofabitch accepting that my life is over. Go out, laugh, drink, dance & be reckless. Blub into your wine. It's actually ok.
  • Leave your house & do stuff. With people. OR fake it til you make it. I turned up to my place of work every dam day. I didn't miss a beat. I turned up when I didn't even feel like moving my carcass one inch out of my bed & leaving my parents house. On the inside I was a broken soul, but on the outside I was fighting that shit hard. Double fisted punches to the guts of it. With a smile on my face. Your inside broken self will eventually catch up to your outside happy fake self.
  • Let be what is. The universe always has a plan. Out of respect to the other person involved in the demise of my own marriage, I will not go into detail. However what I will say is, someone (a new friend) has happened upon me. Open your arms & welcome the strange & unexpected. And don't question it.
  • Eat. Take care of you. I've lost 17kg since the end of July. Not because my stomach was sad & couldn't eat anything. Because bitches be knowin how I love to pie-hole nom nom nom. I just decided to lose weight. Again. This was my decision. I did it for me.
  • Love thy self mad hard. Just because someone else who was a big part of your life doesn't love you anymore, doesn't mean you are any less stellar than you were previously. People change. Rejection is a bloody hard beating to take, but take it regardless.
  • Spend time alone. I had a bench seat on my parents deck that had a solitary rock in the garden in front of it. I would sit on this seat, looking out over the bay with my bare feet on the rock. I would sit there & smoke cigarettes. I would cry, but mostly I would think. It became my thinking rock. My head in the sky & my feet planted firmly on terra firma. Getting shit done.
  • Don't second guess your decisions. EVER. Go with your gut. Because your gut is ALWAYS right. I call it Ninja intuition.
  • Buy yourself nice things. Like shoes & handbags. It's a ladies prerogative to surround herself with beautiful things when she herself is not feeling so beautiful. I did this. I now have a wardrobe full of shoes I will never wear (because faces, namely mine, will be broken) & a maxed out credit card. Those impractical shoes saved me.
  • Never lose sight of the big picture. Big picture = life beyond the now.
  • And finally.......be grateful. Be grateful that you are breathing & have the power to live on. Some people don't get that chance.
Live in the present, look towards your future & learn from your past.

For the first time in my 34 years on this planet, I am free. Free from putting others needs before my own, free from the restraints & responsibilities that others have always needed from me. I have a good job, I have my own space that is mine & I have a sense of well being that I have never experienced before.

No man's tragedies are greater than another's. I have had plenty. But each one has given me just a little bit more strength, patience & grace to deal with the next.

People are confused by the haste in which I have picked myself up. To them I say this, don't question it. Don't fret or worry about me, because I am just fine. It's your own energy you are wasting.

Accept that I am really ok.



P.S This post is very gappy? I'm not sure what happened but enjoy scrolling x


  1. I'm so glad you're back... and I'm sorry things were shitty, but I'm super happy that you've found the positive in it... xoxo

  2. I cannot possibly tell you how much I adore you and how happy it makes me to see you writing again. Mad love to you
    you. xxoo with an extra long hug (I smell good. You'll like it. I promise. )

  3. I love you, Bex, and am so proud of you. Can't tell you how timely this was as I'm seeing my current relationship crumble and have been scrambling to hold it together. I t hink it's time to go all Kate Winslet and just let him sink into the ocean.

  4. (New commenter here) I love how real this post is and I hope things continue to get better for you.

  5. I think I need some of your lady nads.
    I am 35 and in the last year I have found myself in a very similar situation. It sucks like a vacuum cleaner that doesn't. even. work. But you sound like you're doing just fine. I'm happy for you!

  6. It's been 7 years for me and I remember all of this. It hurts, but it just gets better and better. It sounds like you have a handle on it. Hang in there.

  7. I know the having a shitty time of it feeling. I have had a shocking few months and wish the ground would just swallow me up so I can disappear. I have blogged about some of it, but the stuff that happened last night is just so humiliating and soul crushing that I can't even begin to put it into words. And my mum reads my blog and I'll be fucked if I am having her read about my humiliation and pain. Anyway, I am glad you are moving on and your life is getting back on track. You deserve the best x

  8. This is all 1000% true. I went through exactly the same steps. And I am happier now than I have ever been.

    Mad hugs to you! Bitches ain't gonna keep us down for long!


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