Where's Your Head At

This year has been a giant bowl of steaming dicks.

Dicks covered in sexually transmitted diseases.

But here I am. Shit together. Still breathing. Haven't murdered anyone/burnt any buildings down. Overall I am winning.

When life gets assy, I like to console myself with the knowledge that there will always be someone out there in the universe dealing with a shit tonne of other assy stuff that's way bigger than my own mountain of shit. I have stood & I have goddam dealt with this. Real talk.

So without further ado, here's what you missed when I was here but not really here.

1. I had a mammogram. I had decided, in the wake of recent life events that it was my due that I would more than likely get breast cancer & die. Because fuck you life. I basically got my tits mashed into skin pancakes because I found a lump & doctor bitches be all serious about boob lumps these days. It wasn't fun. Hell I was actually impressed at how well behaved my boobs were. Short of mounting the machine & riding it like a mule, they had me in all sorts of weird positions. Conclusion of this story: I don't have breast cancer. My tits are GOOD.

2. My marriage is still over. Nothing new to report here. I am in a good place & can only see really awesome shit ahead for me. INCLUDING a trip overseas next year. That's right, come 28th of May I am out of here for 2 months. England, Scotland, Wales, Ireland, Greece, Croatia, Italy, Spain, Portugal, France, Amsterdam, Germany & Singapore are where I shall be visiting. And I can't fucking wait.

3. I have reconnected with my friends. I'm not sure what happened but one can only guess that I buried myself so balls deep in my married life that I forgot I was fun. And that I bloody love my friends MAD FRICKING HARD. They have saved me from me.

4. I am in the process of moving into my own place. I put my big girl panties on & decided after a few months of much needed nurturing from my parents & baby steps in this whole new post marriage life shebang that this bitch be needin her own digs. I am now moving forward in leaps & wildstriding bounds.

5. I am feelin AMAZE y'all! Like hella good. I am losing weight. My hair is shiny & smells like coconuts. I am wearing colour & lipsticks that make my face explode all over other peoples faces. I have nice lady shoes on my actual feet, not sitting in my wardrobe looking pretty & never getting worn. I have a new found confidence. My magic juju is back. The old fun parts of myself are returning one day at a time.

6. Summer is beckoning me. And do I have a shit tonne of stuff lined up to do. YES I DO SIRS & MRS'S. I am doing the Colour Run in Wellington end of March. I won't be actually running but that's neither her nor there. I plan on wild striding. With the unicorn head mask on. Yep.

7. I am going to see a couple of my favourite bands play live over summer. Nothing rings my ding more.

8. I am playing music. In public. Again. Because I remembered that I actually love to do that.

9. I love everyone. Like love the ever loving shit out of every one's faces. For loving me when I needed to feel loved the most.

10. I still hate Christmas, but I am looking forward to being with just my family, away from the madness of city life, no Facey, phone or technology for 2 whole days. We are going down the sounds to just be with each other. (Truth be told the thought of not being able to connect with the real world makes me feel slightly clammy & sick but I will handle it somehow).

11. I got a new tattoo on my finger. With my best friend of 24 years. It's beautiful & meaningful & I love it as much as I love her.

Some of you may be wondering how Blake is doing? If not I am about to tell you anyway. Blake is ok. He's dealing with this too. And I don't forget that, but I can't be sad with him. I've become quite selfish. For the first time in my life I am allowing myself to be selfish. This show is about me now.

I still get sad that my marriage ended. I like to win at everything.

I still get sad that things didn't work out for us.

I also get sad sometimes as we cut away each tie from each other. He was my best friend & I loved him the most I have ever loved another human. I will always love him, just in a different way now.

Yet she stands & she deals. Because drowning in the fire is not an option. She is happy.