Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Hatin' On: Christmas shopping

I know you're thinkin how could I possibly top my last epic singing video post. Fact is I can't. I was thinking about showing you my naked breakdancing skills. But I won't do that. However, you should know that I am busy planning my 'Best Bits of Bexstar:2011' video. And there will be another song. I'm not a one hit show pony.

Ok so I hate people. I hate angry crazy shopping people. And at the ass end of the year when the retail stores start putting up their copious glitteraty bullshit Xmas decorations & begin cranking on high rotate stab-my-ears-til-they-bleed-sadness Christmas music, I stay the fuck home cos I don't want no part of that shit show.

Suddenly gone are the days of excuse me, please & thank yous, instead replaced with crazy eyed desperate ho's & their hypo asshole crotchlets ramming their trolleys in to the back of innocent victims knees, smack down slappathons for car parks & normally nice ordinary people turning into feral salivating I'ma gon ravage you if you get up in my bizness pitbull shoppers.

BULLSHIT. No thank you.

I don't handle chaos well. I start sweating from all orifices, angry rage bile starts to rise up my gullet & my right leg starts lashing out with a short sharp fuck kick to the vulva of whoever gets within a metre of my circle of trust. I don't even make it do that on purpose, it just does it all by itself.

Blake refuses to take to me Xmas shopping. Because he says that one day he is going to get his ass beat because of me kicking strangers & yelling obscenities out the car window. I will even kick children. Specifically ones that are unnecessarily misbehaving. I am that crazy. I am this crazy. I want to eat peoples fucking faces off & I don't even need utensils.

So I've discovered something amazing. It's actually something I do all the time yet strangely at Xmas time I forget that I can do this. This thing is called ONLINE MUTHAFUCKING SHOPPING. Every single Xmas present I have bought online. Easy. Done. Fini. No one is left bleeding or with an exposed shattered femur from me judo kicking the shit out of their leg.

I worked in retail for a few years. I blame it completely for turning me in to a rabid people hater. I managed a music store in the local mall & while my staff did most of the work, I shut myself away in the storeroom & ate chocolates. You wouldn't find no Christmas carols being rocked out in my store. Hell to the no bitches. I had to hear that shit every other store I went in to, I wanted to give peoples ears a break. And they thanked me for that. Maybe not openly but I could tell they loved me for it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about Christmas & what it means to me. Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jebus. Yet I'm not religious. So Christmas to me is about spending time with family & friends, consuming a fuck tonne of food/alcohol, not having to work (Holla!), beaching myself the nearest available pool, getting gifted some loot & being thankful for everything in my life that's good.

There are many that go without, because they don't have a choice. And it wrecks me. I wish I could fly all the little African orphans to my pad for a few days to love & nourish them. But I can't do that.

Instead I have bought an array of small gifts to give to the Salvation Army for all those little kids that won't have any sort of Christmas at all. I did the same thing last year. And I've just phoned the local city mission to see if I can help out for the annual Mayors Christmas dinner. Every year the cities smelly bin diving AIDS hobos, abandoned pee pee Nana's & non straight jacketed mental health patients get together & have a mean feed with the Mayor. Plus our Mayor is hot yo. And Italian. I want in. Failing that it's got to be entertaining right? It won't solve all the worlds problems, but it's something I can give.

Moving along, for those that have the unfortunate task of buying for me this year or just straight up want to hook me up with some booty because I'm too god dam awesome, I thought I would give them a heads up by informing them of some of the things I would like. It's vital that they get this shit right.

Just think of how rad my video blogs will be if I'm wearing this. 
Hours of fun!!! I plan on wild striding, while neighing, past strangers open windows.

I like owls. And I like cooking. So I want this.
 I'd really love me a gun pendant necklace. Bang bang. 
However this banger is tres expensive. Le sigh.
A guitar shaped spatula. Rock on.

Diesel Loverdose perfume.
Cos it's important that a ho smells nice.
 I want Weeds. The whole series. On DVD.
Because this show makes me hose.

A spensive sexy dress from my fave ho clothes store, City Chic.

And I would really really really like this VW Combi Tent.
Because it's so dam cool. But sadly Blake said no. Boo

A selection of fake moustaches. For disguise purposes when
I get all high on aloneness & sing on the Internet..
Although my homemade pen moustache was the bomb.

A bottle of Cachaca. So I can make me some Cariprinahs on Christmas Day
& completely maggoted. Which in turn may help my husband can get some sex.

Lastly, for Christmas this year I would like a pash. From my Internet boyfriends, funny fucker Shane at Wag the Dad and/or the silver tongued gangsta rapper Social Assassin himself, Mr Crew. With a no tongue though. **Blake doesn't mind. Aslong as there's no dick touching. So I'm like hey hookers, right on then.

** Blake probably does mind but seeing as he is currently away as I am writing this post, I will speak on his behalf. However, both of these dudes  are married & their wives would probably cut a bitch if I tried to get all up on their fullas.Under normal circumstances I would probably have a crack anyway, but seeing as I like their wives, I'll keep my whore hands off. Boo. A bitch can only dream.

What I really want for Christmas this year is for another year of waking up breathing every day, the ability to keep laughing at myself, to not get arrested for anything & many healthy bowel movements.

Blake's home on Saturday (2 weeks went really fast?) & we are going to erect (hehe) our little 40cm led light Xmas tree. I have no time for christmas trees but it would be rude of me to not atleast try & get in to it.

I keep my Christmas joy on the inside. I don't feel the need to vandalise my house with **gay.

**Please note NOT the homosexual kinda gay. Cos I love me some gays.

Are you a Christmas hater or does the mere sight of tinsel & smell of a real pine xmas trees give you a fizzy bunghole? What does Christmas mean to you?


P.S I have never kicked a child on purpose. You should know that.


  1. I'm right there with you my foul mouthed friend.

  2. I love the shit outta Christmas, but the materialistic, shopping aspect of it grates on me like sand in my vagina. If I can't buy it online you aren't getting shit from me. That being said, I would totally hook a bitch up with the guitar spatula. I have one shaped like Darth Vader. . .it is truly magical.

  3. So Christmas is actually my favorite time of the year and not because of all the Christmasy shit either. I love the weather change, the way everything seems cozier and fuzzier, and I love being able to really give my time and energy to those less fortunate around this time more so than any other. I know this sounds dumb but seems more special somehow. Alas, since I have not one but two crotch rockets we can't get away from Christmas and it's stuff all together, but the little uterus parasites have given me a new outlook on the joy of giving because well shit, they are awfully cute and stuff... Hope you and the man have a joyous and fruitful reunion! Happy holidays!

  4. I'm a sexy italian mayor too! Ok, maybe not super sexy. And not really a mayor in the traditional sense (my blog is called Mayor Gia because I'm the mayor of my own crazy town, what whaat). But damn it I'm italian, at least.

    I also hate malls at Christmas. Shudder.

  5. Holler, biatch. Aw, how cute is it that you want a pash for xmas - but you're right, my wife would cut me like sashimi if I tried it. You'd be fine, she'd put it down to you having the same excellent taste as her, search my dying body for the credit cards, and take you out shopping for new shoes to replace the ones I inconsiderately dripped blood on. Still, it is the sason to be jolly, so maybe I'll hook a girl up with some topless pictures or something. I'll even wear a fake paper moustache to round out that '70's porn star' effect ;)

  6. @socialassassin

    The 70's 'stache comment made me vomit a little bit peachy poo

  7. I like this blog post. I may read more of these.

  8. Ok, I'd just like to say that I just found your blog and I am... in. freakin. love. but in a non-creepy way.

  9. @Kate Well Hello there Kate (said in a non creepy way). Welcome to my bloghouse. I am a good time.

  10. @Jim Come back now ya here. I could use some more hotness round here. Cos I can't handle it all on my own.

  11. @Becca Agreed Bec who's name is the awesomest. But I will reconsider if he's wearing a big prosthetic dong.

  12. @socialassassin Well considering we are pretty much related it would be weird pashing you anyway. So I'll pash Em instead. Then we can lovingly tag team bash the credit cards out of your pocket & go shoe shopping x

  13. @Gia Girl I wana come to your town. But only if you make me pasta. Mayors cook right?

  14. @Becca Winter at Christmas time is SO backwards to me. It's the height of summer on the 25th so we beach ourselves & BBQ the shit out of everything. I have experience a white Christmas though. It was beautiful but I'll keep my summer christmas I think.

  15. @Jen Every dam comment you make on my posts make me laugh & love you harder. I am getting the guitar spatula. And hopefully the VW tent. Blake owes me a shit tonne of good stuff consdering his recent overseas trip & getting to go to a World Cup game while I get left at home holding the baby (the motel) & having to deal with average looking ganja smoking Hobbits.

  16. @chemgirljaime Dam straight! I would expect nothing less my girl.

  17. I love Christmas, but I hate the shopping, too. Strange thing is, I don't mind it as much around Christmas because usually the giving feeling gives me kind of a beer-like buzz.

    Side Note: for those of you who have ever gone to IKEA, never take your men with you. Unless it's an IKEA that serves beer. I don't know how IKEA is in the U.S. or in other English-speaking realms, but my IKEA in Austria serves beer and wine. If yours does, you can take your man but make sure he gets a beer in the cafeteria BEFORE you go shopping.

    Otherwise, he shall not be held responsible for what happens. I am seriously fucking looking forward to - and it will happen - some "disgruntled shopper" at IKEA going apeshit and killing a bunch of people and then there will be a court precedent set. It will be called the "IKEA defense."

    Oh, and this kid kicked my kid in the shits the other day. I was in charge of both of them, only my kid is 4 and the other kid is 7. thing is, my kid kicked first. Which he does at least ten times a day lately, to me. And of course I'm always "don't do that, it hurts people and you don't want to hurt people, right?" and of course he keeps fucking doing it.

    So when the seven year old kicked him back, I didn't go all that hard on the seven year old. Especially because when I told him it wasn't fair because he was 7 and my son was 4, the 7 year old was all "but he kicked me first."

    I couldn't argue with that. And I didn't feel all that sorry for my son anyway. And you know what? It has been more than 24 hours since then and he hasn't kicked anybody.

    Come on. It's not like the 7 year old broke his leg or something. It didn't even leave a mark.


  18. And that first part about the kicking should read "in the shins" and not "in the shits." He got kicked in the shits last week.

  19. @wagthedad We don't have IKEA in New Zealand. But if they have beer, it needs to come here. Cos us kiwis love our piss. Also I would love to kick someone in the shits.

  20. Damn, girl. Those are all totally reasonable requests. And make me a fucking Cariprinah while you're at it. Those things will smack a ho! Yum.

    I try to do all the online shopping I can do as well. Malls and mega shops in December make me cray cray. I will cut a bitch. I played hooky on monday and went to Target and Kohls. Well, thinking it was a Monday and I'd have to place to myself, I was sadly mistaken. It must have been national stay at home mom goes to Target day. I felt like I was in a kindercare. It was madness as well. But, I did get a ton of presents bought for my ginormous family, so there was that.

    Fa la fucking la to you babe! Enjoy the reunion with the hubs. And damn straight he owes you that VW tent!! Where else would you make sweet sweet love in the grass? If the tent is a rocking . . . :)

  21. I hate whatevermas and refuse to give credence to its theory of magic baby and give shit to people who have done nothing but treat you like shit the rest of the year (my fam) (I did just post on this however and am not a complete bitch in a bad way - promise... pop over to be sure) I do however like that candy-cane hershey kisses come out this time of year and since those little fuckers are as addictive as any drug I've ever been told about.... I will now go sit in the corner and finish my bag while thinking about all the rest of the people out there shopping... with children... eeeww

  22. I don't get into the whole Christmas hype. I haven't had a tree in my entire adult life, and my family doesn't swap presents. I love it when people ask if I'm all ready for Christmas. I glibly reply, "Yes." haha

  23. Ugggg I just finished my shopping yesterday with Dan.....I seriously wanted to start punching people. The closest I got was when a group of teenage girls stopped walking in front of us and one of them started swinging her arms (why I don't know) she almost hit me. So I said in a snotty tone "pay attention" and they all looked at me and one said "I was" so I came back with a huge bitchy tone and was like "no you weren't you little shit".....lol....man I wanted to slap a bitch right then and there


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