Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Joy to the world. The rain has come. And so it seems have I.

This time of year, no one really hears much from me.When I'm not up to my asshole with 'bullshit to do' at work, I am drowning in it at home. I get tired & cranky & by the time I get a few days off over Christmas, I'm exhausted. Cry me a river Becky. Jeeze.

Speaking of rivers, we had a fuck tonne of rain last week. Something in the ball park of 750mm over the region in 48 hours. Now my seaside city is the sunshine capital of NZ. Officially. And we never ever get rain like that. Go figure.

As you can imagine much wrath of shit ensued. Hills & boulders the size of cars were coming down all over the show, rivers broke their banks, roads were closed, people lost power/phone & just got straight up cut off from civilisation, people ended up with their backyards inside their lounge rooms & around 300 homes have been red stickered 'inhabitable' by the GeoTech folk.

We don't have the infrastructure to cope with a torrential downpour like that. And the devastation it's caused is insane. However the blessing in all of the carnage is that no one got hurt. You can replace a house, but you can't replace a human life. Amen.

Nothing says 'fuck my life' more than a giant mountain shit 
busting through your back door.

I had decided that if the flooding extended down to the marina where I live, I was finally going to live out my lifelong badass pirate dream & steal me one of the million dollar boats sitting right in front of my house. But sadly it never came to that. Still, it never hurts to have a game plan.

Hubs has returned from his African adventure. And he bought me some rad gifts. This loot included a pair of smurf pyjamas that are about 7 sizes too small. He obviously has a distorted estimation of just how gigantic my back end is because he was WAY off. I will fit them one day though. If I can get in a time machine & go back to when I was 3. Or alternatively I can give them to my unborn daughter on her 8th birthday. They are that small.

He also bought me a Karma Sutra book. As a joke. Although when most people claim it's 'just a joke', usually they aren't joking at all. This is a life lesson I have learnt ten fold. Lets just say that this is part of the reason why I am so frigging tried today. Sweet Jesus, nothing like 2 weeks apart to rev up the bang life. Right on son!!

Also my husband has decided to dabble in massage. Erotic massage. He even bought a book on it. That's dedication yo & I am all for that show! Since his return I have been receiving nightly stroke me nicely massages. Lucky doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now. Lucky & stupid muthafucking tired.

This book right here. Booyah.

I also got a beautiful African hand beaded necklace which I will never wear. Because those African ladies have small necks. My neck resembles an oompa loompa's in comparison. And if the .000001mm thick string the thousands of beads are threaded on to happens to break, it's god dam rainbow beads scattered from asshole to breakfast time.

When we were on our honeymoon last year I bought this beautiful wall hanging thing made out of millions of tiny beads. It was a piece of art work that I hung proudly on my hallway wall. Anyway the bitch broke a couple of days later & one year on I am still finding beads everywhere. And we've moved house twice since then.

I got monstrous bottle of Amarula Cream, & a box of cream caramels (a south African treat I would sell my whole family for), a couple of g-strings (also a 'joke' present apparently), a new Billabong Hoody, Weeds Season 1 on Bluray & a soft toy giraffe. The man did good. Real good.

So what once was a quiet, tidy & organised apartment has now returned to it's former pre South Africa visit state of undies/socks laying on the lounge chair, pube hairs scattered like magic fairy dust throughout the bathroom (& facial hair shaving), constant dishes in the sink & the little beaver like piles of shit (not actual shit) throughout the house. But I love him. And I'm so happy he's home. I love coming home to my manimal. A manimal who will willingly massage my ass cheeks for a whole hour. Whoop!

5 more sleeps til not real Santa comes. I'm looking forward to a sleep in, eating more food than is normal for one person to consume in a 24 hour period, AND spending time with the people I love who haven't buggered off down the sounds/South Africa or Wales.

With Christmas day quickly looming, what are all you whores up to?

For those of you that aren't aware the giveaway for this month is this kick ass knuckleduster coffee mug. Nothing says 'I hate your face' more than drinking your morning cuppa love out of this bad boy.
 I have 2 to giveaway. You know what you got to do. If you don't read here. 

Peace, love & achy hump muscles,


  1. Wow, he got you some awesome gifts! He shoulda waited a week and saved all that loot for Christmas.

    Boyfriend got back from his Business Trip and his present to me was not bringing home an STD from another woman. I was happy.

  2. I went away for 3 weeks once, it did not "rev up the bang life" :( I was so tired I came home and slept for 3 days. Clearly I need to be taking tips from you guys. Also KUDOS on the toy giraffe! (I collect safari-type soft toys so that makes me :D :D)

  3. Blake really spoiled his Bex. That's awesome!! Mmm, I love Amarula!

    Gosh, I had no idea the weather was being that wicked in your parts. They weren't broadcasting it on the news here. I'm so glad you're ok. :)

  4. Did he study the Erotic massage book on the flight home? Now that would be fun to read over someones shoulder:)

  5. Paula (Pdiddy) CunniffeDecember 20, 2011 at 6:18 PM

    Yeah, I'm all up in that knuckleduster shit mofo cup, man?!?!?!

  6. So sorry to hear about the damage the rain has caused. I don't know what I'd do if a natural disaster struck here... Probably crawl under my blankets like a little kid afraid of the Boogie Man, because... Well, I'm still 7 I guess!

    "5 sleeps" had me laughing! When my youngest offspring was about 3 she had a friend who would count down to exciting events by the number of sleeps. I haven't heard that method of countdown in 11 years!

    How can I get my Hubs to rub my ass for an hour without whining as to why he can't rub my lady lumps or whining for a rub and tug of his own?!

  7. I'm so glad your Hubs is home and you got cool gifts AND you're getting what many of us can only vaguely remember....a good kind of tired.

  8. I'm so happy that your hot man is HOME! And with a massage book? Lucky gal! I hope that you can catch up on your sleep soon though- we bitches need our beauty rest.

  9. Here's my holiday ho-ho-ho prep: I'm sitting here eating organic PLAIN-ass yogurt, drinking herbal fucking tea, and willing to stab someone in the neck with a Sharpie for a goddamned doughnut. As you can see, the diet is going well.

    Glad you escaped the monsoon and weren't left clinging to a palm tree like a Thai supermodel. And snaps up to Blake for coming through with the loot and a little pickle-tickle. Huzzah!

  10. Ok, that man right there? Keeper. Hold onto him for dear life, girlie. By the balls, if necessary. Which seems like something you might be doing right now anyway. :)

    I have a mate on the ole FB who was giving updates on all that terrible weather and flooding. Luckily noone was hurt! But, man, the damage was massive, no?

    This whore is in the last minute prep hell that is known in my house as the week before xmas. Wrapping, wrapping, and more wrapping, baking, last minute shopping, food shopping for the relatives who will be invading my house on the eve, cleaning the house like crazy so they don't see what a pig sty we live in . . . oh, and working all week as well. I am gonna need a vacay when this thing is over. Damn, and now I'm feeling all bah humbug and shit. Oh well, fa la la to all. May we survive this most joyous of holidays without killing any of those near and dear to us! :) Merry Merry y'all!!

  11. awwww... your hubby is awesomesauce indeed! Never underestimate the power of an erotic massage... the bf and I bought a kama sutra kit awhile back and basically spent an entire weekend in bed... good times.

    Hope you have a super fabulous Christmas!

  12. Awesome on the gifts (especially the "joke" ones ;). Lame on the rain. And super lame on being up to your asshole in shit to do. I hear that, though I'm finally getting a break. Hope you get one too!

  13. How strange (and a little creepy) that I thought of you when I heard about the flooding down around your neck of the woods? Hopefully not too much. Glad you're safe.
    I think I may have to make a trip to the book store.

  14. @MaybeCakes Well now we are having god dam earthquakes again too. I'm pumping my fists of rage right now (because obviously you can't see them)

  15. @Cherie Same to you lady! And welcome. SO nice to see a new face round these parts :)

  16. @chemgirljaime You too sunshine!! And I'm buying me that rad VW tent. And I'm bringing it to your place so we can camp out in it. However, you must know that I don't like bugs or racoons. Or the dark. But I will gladly piss in a bush.

  17. @mistyslaws He is indeed a keeper. Although sometimes I need reminding that when I'm picking up his dirty man skins off the lounge floor. Bloody fecker. Merry birth of Jesus to you too Misty. May you be completely smothered in excellent gifts & eat a shit tonne of food but not put on any weight. I'm praying for that for myself so I will put in a good word for all you hookers.

  18. @Jen I'm thinking about having him up for sexual harrassment. I'm so god dam tired it's ridiculous. Woman I hope like shit that your get better diet ends soon so you can face plant a donut. Loves x

  19. @Johi Dam right we do! I really got used to sleeping alone. He throws himself around the bed like a friggin feral tom cat in a sack. Drives me nuts. But bugger it I do love him.

  20. @Jo Jo if it wasn't filthy to share the excess humpage I would do it. My ovaries are aching.

  21. @Erin T. 2 sleeps!!!! Yes I still do that. Somewhere deep inside me the 5 year old me still lurks. I kinda like her. She was a badass ;)

  22. @emmarose82 You would think so the way he's been carrying on. But alas no he has not. He's way too reserved for that.

  23. @Rachellabelle Merry christmas to you & Luc beautiful lady. The flooding has all dried up. Things are returning to normal. Although there was just a bitchin earthquake down south. Which in NZ terms is not that far away. In the same city that got hit in Feb when 180 people were killed. Such bullshit.

  24. @fery.xlim My giraffe is aptly named Melman. He sits beside my bed & watches me sleep. I feel safe with him in my life. P.S You need to kick your man up the ring. Seriously. You are a foxy lady.

  25. @Gia Hurrah! Yay for no syph or herps!! If anyone asks you what you got for xmas you can now proudly say, 'not AIDS'. Best comeback ever x


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