Thursday, December 29, 2011

Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me. Or just barge right in. While I'm taking a shit. I don't mind.

Wednesday 28th 2011, 8:17am, I was sitting on the toilet busting one out. I had a sore stomach. This may have something to do with the shit tonne of chocolate goodness & other junk I rammed down my gullet during 4 days prior. My colon was punishing me for being a greedy asshole. Fair play.

Anyway as I was carefully wiping the remnants from my backend I heard our front door open. Assuming it was Blake heading off to work I thought nothing more of it until the bathroom door opened right on up & I was greeted by the face of a random old stranger. A lost motel guest.

It was at this very moment that I stretched my pyjama top right down over my knees in order to hide my naked bottom half currently on display to this curious & clearly disorientated old geezer. I got a fright. Kinda like being caught masturbating but not really like it at all because I don't do that.

I yelled at him to get out (not the exact words I used). He slams the bathroom door shut & retreats out the door yelling "but the door was unlocked?!".

What the fuck man!! Just because my front door is unlocked does in no way mean hello, please come in to my house & watch me wipe my arse.

This happens a lot. Not the strangers coming into my bathroom part, but the people opening our apartment door part. They get confused. Many of them can't speak or read a word of English & there is a stairwell right beside our apartment that leads guests upstairs to other motel units. One can only assume that when having the stairwell access pointed out to them by the helpful motel receptionist, they get confused.

But now I'm confused, because this particular guest had already been staying with us for the night prior, in a room UPSTAIRS. Nowhere near our apartment. Obviously he knows where his room is? Or not it seems.

I was piss mad & I felt a little invaded. Blake won't even come into the bathroom when I'm mudding. It's a scary time. And I appreciate his fear. It's a mass running fuck attack on the senses. I wouldn't purposely share that part of myself with anyone.

Nothing says welcome to Nelson like being blasted by the stink of a locals freshly laid turd burger. Or the being blinded by the chubby white thigh skin of an angry 30 something year old woman. I hope he has a nice holiday & the terrifying experience is forever ingrained in his memory.

Lucky for him I am now a graceful wiper. And he wasn't met by me doing the downward dog yoga position on top of the toilet attempting to get my short carny arms to reach around past my copious ass cheeks in order to hit the required spot as in previous uber fat years. Bum wiping with an extra 50kg of fat arse is a god dam work out yo. Thankfully this is no longer an issue for me.

I am loving the holidays. I am back at work today for 2 days then I get another 5 days off. I'm leaving Blake at home to look after the motel & I'm heading down to my sisters Bach (holiday home) for New Years eve. I am going to get drunk, lay in the sun & RELAX. First new years off in a few years.

Looking ahead to the new year, these are the things I wish for the me & the universe.

I would like to learn to grow my own veges. Or keep a plant of any kind alive for more than a week.

I would like to keep motivated enough to go to the gym 3-4 times week. Currently I suck balls at that. Mike someone is on holiday. I already have scheduled PT sessions with him in the new year & I know for a fact he is going to work this bitch.

I would like to dedicate more time & make more of an effort to spend time with my family & friends. I also suck at this. I always let the busy take over. Nothing in life is more important than family & friends.

I would like to keep making you whores laugh with my random stories of Becky life fails/toilet adventures & general whatthefuckery. I like to think I have tainted you all somewhat with my filth.

I will endeavour to support my husband 100% with his new study venture as he begins his degree in Naturapathy aka Hippy Medicine Practice. However I will draw the line if he ceases to wash his crotchal region in order to keep his man seed 'pure'or any attempts to smack the bad out of me with supple pine tree branches. I'm not sure that Naturopaths even practice this but I'm just saying.

I will also try to keep my front door locked at all times as to deter old men from witnessing my sacred art of ass wiping. That's private time stuff y'all!!

 True dat Oscar!!

Happy New Years bitches! I hope you greet 2012 with an open heart & mind. And vagina if you happen to get lucky. Be safe wherever you are xx

Have you ever been busted in on while doing something private on the toilet?

Peace, love & please use protection

P.S I will draw the giveaway for the knuckleduster coffee mugs when I get back on the 3rd. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about I suggest you read this whole post here.
P.P.S I have it on good authority that accidental old perv man was very embarassed. So I forgive him. I love where I live so we'll move on from this.


  1. I'm sorry that I laughed at this.
    No I'm not.
    People catch me all the time in the private act of singing at the top of my lungs and upper body dancing in my truck.

  2. Crap balls batman!!! Happy New Years Bex and will catch you next year:)

  3. Scary! I might've hunted the old geezer down and done some damage in retribution. Was visiting grandma and grandpa once when I was 12. Grandpa walked in on me in their bathroom while I was naked, tending to shower biz. My didn't HE have a good laugh.

  4. I would die!!!! but then again I never get privacy. If my two little dogs aren't in the toilet with me then inevitably my daughter decides this is when she needs to tell me about something that happened during the day. I am like dude! seriously can I not take a crap in peace? hmmmm I guess I could lock the door....

  5. Happy New Year Becky! I think you might want to hang a cheery sign on your front door that reads "Not Your Fucking Apartment Bitches!" Maybe dress it up with a flower or a smiley face or something to take the edge off the use of "fucking" and "bitches". :D

  6. oh

    I would probably shit again if some random walked in on me. I already have issues and that would not make my life better in any way shape or form. You are now being submitted for saint-hood by me since you've had to put up with this and may have to explain to the hubby that he must wash the manscaping area despite his love of holistic thingys.

  7. Ah, tis important to spend time with the Fam and friends....nothing should steal that time away. I look forward to a new year full of Bexst*r musings!!! And I always lock my bathroom door no matter what Im's the only room in my house where I can have any peace!!

  8. Hippies and shitting in the same post. Well done that lass.

  9. HOLY SHIT!!

    But the door was unlocked!!

    Have a great New Years Bex. See ya on the flip side! :)

  10. Ha that is crazy! But i would seriously never ever ever ever ever leave my door unlocked. The front one or the bathroom one. I have a slight compulsion about locking doors anyway, this would send me right over the edge to crazytown.

  11. Are you fucking kidding me? Since the short people were born personal privacy went out the goddamned window. I haven't squeezed out a deuce with the door closed in seven years.

  12. You are the first person that I have ever run across that acknowledges that having too much ass creates a problem with hygiene.

    I'm so glad that someone put that out there!

    And locking your door might be a good habit to get into, how often do you actually wear your mustache to the bathroom?

  13. Oh my that was hilarious! You actually acted relatively calm considering a total stranger walked in on you in a completely disarming position. I'm loving your blog - I'm glad I stumbled upon it.


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