When I was a pre-teen, I was a girl guide. It was non negotiable as my mum was a girl guide leader.
We did a shit load of camping. And I hated it. Sharing a tent with 6 other bitches & a fuck tonne of blood sucking mosquito's whilst sleeping on a yoga mat was not a fun time for me. Nor did I become overwhelmed with glee when being forced to eat freshly cooked campfire food. Everything tasted like it had smoked a cigarette.
I will never forget the very first time I had to take a moonlight shit on a long drop toilet. For those that do not know what a long drop toilet is, it's a toilet that has a large hole dug under the toilet seat where all fecal & urine go. It doesn't get flushed away. Instead it sits & ferments. This fermented shit/piss cocktail omits the most rancid stench for miles which in turn attracts bugs, possums, rats & numerous other bush creatures keen for a taste of human excrement soup.
Most long drops are housed within a tin shack. In the height of summer, when the mighty southern hemisphere sun rapes every living thing, the long drop turns into a goddam sauna of death.
Taking in to account that I am afraid of the dark, & all the monsters that lurk within said darkness, I was quite prepared to take one in my pants instead of putting myself in grave danger of having my ass eaten off by a hungry shit eating rat than put my precious backend anywhere near the seat of a long drop toilet.
I loitered outside the camp long drop, deathly afraid, holding my torch like a ninja sword in order to deter all possums from trying to latch their razor claws into my scalp if they felt the need. The girl guide interrogation squad was called in & they spun me every good reason known to man about why the long drop was safe & that there was no way my ass was going to be eaten off by any ferocious animals.
They were right though. We don't have any ferocious man eating animals in NZ. In fact we have nothing even remotely dangerous in the NZ bush that could even harm a small new born baby let alone a 12 year old girl child. The only thing that could hurt me in that long drop toilet was my own mind. And Jason Vorhees scuba diving in the shit pond waiting to slash my anus to shreds with a dirty machete.
I blame Jason Vorhees for all my childhood dark fears. That fucker just would not die.
I have just returned from a few nights away at my sisters holiday home in Okiwi Bay. It's a 1 hour drive from my city & I love it down there.
We drank. We smoked. We listened to music & we talked/laughed the arse of New Years eve 2011.
We watched the entire first season of Teen Mom on MTV when it was raining & we ate everything bad.
We sat around the kitchen table in a kumbayah circle of trust eating Bread Dip. We talked about how fat our bums were while stuffing our gullets full of caramello cadbury chocolate. Irony is fucking delicious.
I bunked with my friend Amber & my 3 year old niece Kaitlyn & I slept the best I had slept in months.
I checked my iPhone incessantly for text messages & email notifications even though I knew I couldn't get any sort of cellphone range there at all, agreeing wholeheartedly that yes I am a sick modern world obsessed fuck.
I got into the Okiwi Bay footwear trend of socks & jandals/flip flops/slops & I laughed at the smack talk notes people were leaving on the fridge door.
Okiwi Bay Footwear.
Fridge Smack Talk.
I sat in the middle of a bay while the tide was out & watched fireworks.
Waiting for Fireworks display to start.
I didn't watch or read any depressing news of the world. I escaped from my reality.
And I loved every bloody moment of it.
Now I'm back in my real world with my sexy real world husband ready to beat the ass of 2012. We are excited bout the year ahead.
Except tomorrow I have to go back to work.
And just between you & me, I would rather be locked inside a long drop shit house in the middle of summer with a dirty machete wielding Jason Vorhees.
The winners for Decembers giveaway of the 'I hate your face, especially in the morning' knuckleduster coffee mugs are....................
Ladies please flick me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org with your postal addresses & I will get them out to you as soon as possible.
For those of you feeling a bit blue because you didn't win this time, don't be sad, because holy heathen shitflaps I have another two more knuckleduster mugs to give away for the first month of 2012. Join me on my merry crusade to become the toilet queen of the blog world, comment on my posts for the month & you too could be rocking a hot coffee filled face smasher at the breakfast table every morning.
Are you a camping freak? Or a camping phobe like me?
Peace, love & flushing toilets,
P.S Thank god for flushing toilets, cos it seems my bowels were slightly homesick while I was away having relaxation time. But that's a story for another time. Lets just say, me & the toilet down Okiwi Bay spent a lot of time together. Fuck my life.
P.P.S Can someone please have a fancy dress party soon so I can wear this dick & balls costume. Oh I must.