To my husband.

WRITTEN ON FRIDAY LAST WEEK.......
Dear Pussbags,

Tomorrow you turn 28 years old. On the inside I am clapping like a retarded seal at the prospect of you getting just that little bit closer to 30. It's a lonely time here on my own.

While I know sometimes I can be mean to you, I hope you understand that because you are the one person who's face I see every day, it's my natural instinct to pummel you with my daily inner shit. Mainly because you are there & you pretend to listen. And all the mean stuff is done with big swollen hearted love. I am the backwards man.

As you venture forth into the ass end of your 20's & the third year of our marriage, there are a couple of things I would like to bring to your attention.


Do not believe everything I tell you. For example, I was lying when I told you your head smelt like AIDS. I don't know what AIDS really smells like & I just really wanted you to wash your dam hair. I was annoyed when you rubbed your dirty head all over my pillow. Have you ever sniffed the inside of your cap? It smells like head & I don't like it.

When you caught me last week like a possum in headlights rubbing my bare jacksie all over your pillow, well lets just say pay back is a real bitch. Especially when done by a bitch.

I want to apologise for everytime I po-face your healthy lifestyle suggestions. But I want to reinforce my opinion on Wheatgrass. I will not drink that green poison. Ever. Not even if I'm shitting needles out my backend. You may claim it's life's elixir, but my man, I will not neck something that makes my poos look like kryptonite.

I also just really like chips. While I have cut back considerably, there will never be a week when you won't see me snuggled up on the couch with a bag of Bluebirds finest. I understand the gullet crunching makes you want to kick a hole in the wall, but I guess that's the risk I'm willing to take.

I really wish Green Day wouldn't change their drum beat 62 times in one 7 minute song. The first time I was impressed. Now it's just annoying. And I will never stop ranting about it every time I hear one of their schizo songs on the radio. Every time.

Your libido gives me the shits. Mainly because mine is pathetic in comparison, and well......I just always like to win at everything.

As you know I have recently discovered the mating behaviours of Antarctic polar bears. I would like to state, that regardless of your constant feelings of neglect, rejected nipple tweaks & attempts at getting all up in my goodies, you have it pretty sweet in that department.

My theory is that if I opened up the beave shop all the time, the excitement level would dwindle. And seeing as we are in this marriage thing for life, we may as well keep it exciting for as long as possible. It's like winning lotto once a fornight three times a week. Whatevs. Huzzah!

All this aside, you are very sexy. I especially like your bum.

Your hair on the other hand really needs to be dealt with. I have my theory's on things, & I believe somewhere along your lineage someone mated with someone of black African decent. Because you seem to have inherited native African hair?

A white man with a tight ringlet fro is a sight to behold. I am afraid of your big hair. Hence why I scarper every time you walk out of the bathroom (post shower) looking like a long lost white sibling of the Jackson 5.

I pray every night to no one in particular that when we eventually decide to procreate, our offspring does not have your hair. Because fuck that for a fun time. If this does happen, you will be on hair brushing duty.

Your constant need to hug me has not gone un-noticed. I make it a challenging. And you like it. Much like a lithe & wiry cheetah playing with it's prey before eating it's face off. I admire your stamina to take my non stop defensive judo chopping to your abdomen. You must really love me a lot.

I love you too baby.

To clarify, here is an updated list of my favourite things from best to bestest.
5. KFC
4. Chips
3. Kylie
2. My Family
1. You

YOU are my best. And I would like to thank you for choosing me. I'm far from womanly perfection & I can be a real pain in the ass. Especially when we drive down the main street & I'm hanging out the car window yelling at the lady wearing her handbag as a backpack. SO. WRONG.

However, as you know, I am a real good time.

Happy Birthday!!

From your wife xx

P.S Seriously though you do have really wide feet. Kinda like Hobbit feet but not hairy (thank Christ!!). If you roundhouse kicked someone in the head I am sure you would kick it right off their neck in one kick. From now on I am calling you Pussbo Baggins.
P.P.S Getting old together is going to be so fun don't you think?
P.P.P.S I also really love your hair. But dang dude sometimes it really reeks.