Sunday, February 5, 2012

Self Esteem Problems? Go see the Baboons at the zoo. And wear pink.

I am still here. I have not quit my love for the written word & all things toilet to chase my lifelong dream of rock stardom. I have been doing shit.

Shit which included being busted by strangers power pissing in an alleyway while holding a flashing strobe light above my head, accidentally drinking myself into a margarita coma during dinner at a lovely Mexican restaurant, riding a commodo dragon, crotch grabbing an angry Orc, a visit to Wellington Zoo, an engagement party & a 30th birthday party.

I got back from Wellington on Monday night after spending the weekend doing fun stuff with my best ho.

Have you ever seen a baboon get wood while staring hardout at you? While you are standing next to a whole load of small people & bretherens, blushing & whispering to the person next to you, 'is he looking at me'?
This is not a trick question FYI. This happened to me last weekend.

I was so excited about going to stay with Kye. There was much bung fizzing & I literally could not write last week because of said fizzy bunghole. Plus I was up to my flaps in work. Always busy. Always things to be done. I exhaust me sometimes.

I love this girl. Our friendship spans 2 decades.

On Saturday afternoon, post lazing around her house all morning letting the remains of Friday nights alcohol consumption wear off, we decided to venture outside & visit Wellington Zoo. Best friends husband was keen to see some captive animals & I was all like 'huzzah fuckers, lets do this' except a little less energetic than he.

Kylie had previously informed me about some large foreign Baboons living at the zoo that do dirty things to themselves. Like perform self fellatio. She also told me that the zoo sits atop a bitch mountain so some exercise would be required in order to see the fellatio monkeys. Whatever. Take me there now.

We paid the $20 entry fee ($20!!! You flaming ass rapers. Fuck you.) & began our dangerous trek up the zoo mountain. There were stops on the way to look at shit, to pee & rehydrate.

I had my legs exposed in a faded blue denim mini. In hopes that the sun would turn my bullshit sparkly twilight legs a light shade of tan. In hindsight this was not a good choice. It was hotter than hell & there was some slight chaffage on the inner thigh region. Nothing says inappropriate day wear more than raw legs & a sweaty clunge.

Finally, weather beaten & slightly parched from the rare Wellington summers day, we arrived at the Baboon enclosure.

On first glance they just seemed like normal Baboons. I informed my associates, regardless of the fact that it was highly unlikely to happen thanks to a thick protective glass window & electric fence surrounds, under no circumstance bare your teeth at them because they would rip your face off & wear it as a mask.

I learnt this in Africa when a shit tonne of Baboons decided to join us at a resort swimming pool. I kept my teeth firmly inside my head.

Back to the zoo....Big Daddy Baboon number 1, was sitting right in front of the window, on a rock, people watching. It was at this stage that I noticed his skinny pink monkey dick was also laid out on the rock in front of him people watching. Much pointing & laughter ensued. He obviously became self conscious & turned his back to the prying eyes of the public.

This however, did not stop him from reaching down & having a tug on it every 30 seconds.

Moving on to the next man Baboon, he too had his bell end hanging out. And it was leaving wet marks on the rock on which it lay. GAG!

It was also at this time that I noticed that he had an erection. I couldn't take much more. I felt ashamed. There were a few kids there oblivious to the copious monkey dick on display for us. Torn by my emotions, I walked away. Then I came back for another look just to be sure. Yep definitely monkey dick.

Photographic Evidence. My pleasure.

And every time I came back for just one more look, he got wood. I think it may have had something to do with the pink top I was wearing. According to the wall of facts by the Baboon enclosure, male baboons find pink attractive. Mainly pink female baboon asses but who cares. I still felt awesome. And dirty. Maybe my shirt reminded him of bacon? Hell I get lady wood over bacon.

After the zoo visit, we went to Peter Jackson's Weta Cave. If you don't know who Peter Jackson is then fuck you. He is the Jesus of NZ Film & responsible for the rest of the world thinking New Zealanders are all stocky midgets with giant hairy feet who stab orc monsters & throw magic rings into a gaping fiery sky vagina (Lord of The Rings).

I got to fondle Orc scrotum, & I tried to distract Golum with my bacon shirt while I stole his fish. WIN.

My man was packing big monster goolies.

My precious.

Earlier in the day, I booked us a table a Las Margaritas, a Mexican restaurant in the Hutt. I don't drink much anymore but when I get the opportunity to neck some Margarita's, I'm on that shit like an itchy scrot rash.

Over the course of an hour & a half, I knocked back 4. I was completely maggoted by 8pm & shit got weird.

Shit starts going downhill about now

And then shit got really weird.

We ended up hitting the clubs in Petone. There's only 2.

And while waiting for our ride home I pissed down a side street alleyway. It was dark there so I downloaded a flashlight app on to my iPhone so I could avoid pissing on my nice lady shoes. There was no one around so I thought I was safe as.

This was until I was half way through an alcohol fuelled power piss when 2 people decided to walk up the path where I was squatting, holding my iPhone above my head with the flashlight app on STROBE. I panicked. I attempted to whip my jeans up but I just couldn't stop the onslaught of wee. My big white ass hanging out there for all to see under the flashing disco light of my iPhone.

How embarrassing. So what did I do? I waved at them. I fucking waved.

Then I dropped my phone & pissed all over my nice lady shoes.

I hope y'all have missed me. Cos I missed you.

Peace, love & soggy pants,

P.S I will draw the knuckle duster coffee mug prize later this week. Right now I need sleep. And maybe a sneaky fondle of the husbands goodies. I've missed him too.
P.P.S Meet Loretta (cheers Hoody). My new guitar baby. She's a beauty.


  1. glad you're back and it was worth the wait. thought the monkey dick was funny but pissing in the alley was the best. so something I would do. hope your nice lady shoes are ok x Claire

  2. I really wish I could come to NZ and hang out with you. Baboon weenuses, chafing, genitalia fondling, margarita saturated pee, AND public exposure ALL IN ONE DAY? You astound me. I'm lucky to get in only two of those at a time....

  3. I did miss you! A lot. And I love baboons. They're even funnier when they have boners. Hahahahaha!

  4. Hahhaahahha. I suppose its obvious, but I didn't know not to bare your teeth, so thanks for the tip. Chimps/baboons/monkeys/whatever they are scare me after that one lady got her face ripped off from a friend's pet chimp. Horrible.

    The gollum pic - looks like you could be mounting him from behind. Just saying.

    And I am sorry but totally not surprised about the peeing incident. It seems you have trouble going to the bathroom in privacy :P

  5. HAHAHAHAHA Ohh, how I've missed you. Good times.

  6. When you have to go you have to go. I grew up in the country, so peeing outside (guys or girls) is just a rite of passage.

  7. Smell my cap??
    Big Loves my fave clunge xx
    P.S I wanna fucken fuck your fucken fanny off you twat...

  8. Hmmm sometimes peeing in a dark alley just has to be done! Thou I look a complete mess cause I take a shoe and half my pants off to do it just so I make sure I dont pee on my shoes:)

  9. Oh how I have missed you, bitch. Good stories. Here's where you obviously took a wrong turn, though . . . straws in the Margaritas. Oh girl, never drink the drinkies with a straw! You are just asking for trouble. And piss on your shoes, apparently.

    But at least you know if things with Blake take a wrong turn, you have a back up of being a baboon's bitch. So there's that, huh? Cheers, mate.

  10. I need to haul my pasty ass to the Portland Zoo to see if I can make the orangutans pop some wood. That would boost a bith's ego for the entire fucking week, yo.


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