Thursday, February 9, 2012

Dear Doctor B: The Relationship Files - Vegetarianism

Dear Dr B
When I have had a busy stressful day at work & go home to a husband who's mad at me because I apparently 'don't understand the awesomeness of a meat-free existance', I feel really shithouse about myself.

He cooked me dinner the other night. Mushroom, leek & lemon risotto. It was actually quite nice even though I had considered grilling me some bacon to crumble through it for a little bit more 'substance'. I lvoe bacon so much. When I die I want to be cremated wrapped in bacon so all my mourners can dance in the glorious aroma of crispy bacon delisciousness.

Half an hour before serving me his risotto SANS meat, he busted me hiding behind the fridge door like Golum from Lord of the Rings, necking a wad of precious shaved chicken. I was just really hungry.

Cue much arm flapping & disappointed facials.
He is not talking to me at the moment. I don't like that he discriminates me for my love of all things meat. Quite frankly he can take his judgey judgeyness & shove it up his ring.

I sit & listen to his constant lecturing about how he will never eat something that has come out of somethings vagina. While the lecturing makes me piss mad, I also feel really optimistic about the future of our children. Because I know he will never eat them.

I accept the lifestyle he has chosen for himself & the fact that he constantly smells like a man sized bulb of garlic, I do not believe he should make me feel bad about my life because I prefer to ram a 3kg fillet of prized Angus down my gullet rather than fill my stomach with nature.

I have explained to him on more than once occasion that because I have a period, I need loads of iron so I don't hemorrhage & die. The idea of sitting down to a table full of silverbeet in order to get the same amount of iron as a palm sized eye fillet is of the utmost bullshit & makes me depressed.

It wouldn't be so bad if vegetables didn't taste like farts. I ate a fart once. Not on purpose though. So I can confirm that there is indeed a similarity between the taste of veges & farts.

Please help.....

Mrs Lambchops

Dear Mrs Lampchops
Nothing pleases me more than a good marital battle of wills. My husband is also a extremely proactive vegetarian/vegan. And I am here to tell you that it is possible to co-exist.

When I was a young lass, I used to live near a stockyard. A stockyard is basically a whore runway for farm cattle. My sister & I used to throw large stones at the bulls heads to see if they would get mad & charge the wooden fence beyond which we were protected. We would sit atop our Raleigh 20 bikes, ready to peddle like fuck if one of the herd got a bit stroppy & decided to have a go. We thrived on the adrenalin. The bulls never charged us. Mainly because they are stupid.

My childhood BFF, Kim, lived on the other side of a paddock filled with rams. We would commando roll across the field in order to make it to her house after school. One time a mad sheep bunted up her up the ass & made her fly over the fence onto the gravel road. She got stones in her knee. I peed my pants from laughing so hard then buried them in her garden because I was scared that my mum would growl at me for doing wees in my knickers.

Sheep are stupid. While they may contribute massively to our economy due to the export of their hair, there are way too many in NZ. So I see it as my personal mission to singlehandedly cull their population by eating as many as I can.

Every time we drive past the local meat works, I don't feel sad seeing the lambs all lined up ready for a slaughtering. Call me callous, Or You can call me Betty, And Betty you can call me Al.

We are at the top of the food chain. It's just how shit works. Nothing can get us except zombies, AIDS, escaped zoo animals & those indigenous Pervian Mountain folk that still like to eat people. If things were the other way round & lambs were at the top of the food chain (regardless of the fact they are herbivores & survive purely on grass, whatevs), I'm pretty certain they wouldn't give a fuck. Lambs are cute but mainly stupid. It's genetic.

My point is, animals (except for maybe cats) can be really really goodlooking but are mostly stupid. Eat your meat with a sense of freewill knowing that this is what the universe intended for our species to survive.Your husband it seems, has his own set of life rules. Let it be.

But if you really want to fuck with him, without him actually knowing, next time you make a vege soup, slip in a box of chicken stock. He will never know the difference, as the plethora of veg will satiate his taste buds & temporarily blind them from any chicken tomdickery.

Feel quietly smug in knowing that there is still meat product in his system despite his constant rants of how much more awesome he is than everyone else because he doesn't eat meat. Dispose of the stock carton stealthily. Fire is always my preferred option of destruction. Nothing says 'you are a annoying smug fuck' more than a healthy bit of Carnivore revenge.

Failing this, take your husband to your local carnival & feed him to Grimace. It seems our McFamous simpleton is not only an evil clumsy Milkshake/Soda thief but also akin to a tasty human morsel (please see photo evidence below). Nom nom!!

Whoever said ignorance is bliss needs a big dirty pash.

Yours faithfully
Dr B

Please note: I have never sabotaged my husbands meals with animal based stock of any kind nor is this a personal attack on anyone that chooses to obstain from partaking in meat. The freedom of choice is a wonderful & poweful thing. Except if you live in a communist country then you are basically fucked.

The winners of Januarys Winner Wednesday two KnuckleDuster Coffee Mugs are.........

WagtheDad & Tennesseetatas.

Holla at a bitch, with your postal address & I will get that badassness out to you in the post asap.

This months Winner Wednesday prize is going to be a surprise. Because I can. Please note that it will be awesome. And won't a table full of silverbeet. Keep the comments coming. I may not always reply, but I always read them, have some shits & giggles, & sometimes touch myself.

Peace & juicy meaty love,


  1. This made me lol. I had to read it. Nobody should tell their spouse what to do. And hiding to eat chicken is a bit ridiculous. Tell him to shove his tofurkey up his ass if he wants to... you're making steak!

    1. Totally agree with you. This post was partly fiction & non fiction. I love how happy my husband is with his veg lifestyle. And he's really committed to it. If it makes him happy then I am happy. Although I did hide behind the fridge eating the chicken. Not because I was eating meat, but because dinner was nearly ready.

  2. Oh Becky- As I sit here in yesterday's cat socks, with Smelly Cat purring on my lap, I am filled with joy. Not because I smell worse than the stanky ass cat sitting on me, but because I feel like I can call you my friend. Cull those stupid sheep sista. Cull on!

  3. Becky... not only do I love your shit cuz it makes me laugh so hard I sometimes fart.... but I also tagged you. Visit my blog for details.

  4. A wise man once told me, "If animals were not to be eaten, then why are they made of meat."

    Smartest thing I ever heard.

  5. Children are the veal of the cannibal world. Toddler piccata with a nice Sauvignon Blanc? Bliss.

  6. Ah Bex... My little brother used to be called the vega-nazi in our family. Then he realized if he wanted us to fuck off pushing our shit on him, he should probably fuck off with his preaching about veggies and poop.

    10 years later and fully vegan (no dairy to make the veggies taste good) he buys my dad steak for his birthday meal.. it gets better.

  7. My brother tried veganism last year. It didn't take. He is back to the bacon. I'm honestly not sure how he went an entire year without that sweet sweet meat candy.

    Veggie pushers are the worst. No sir, I do not want to buy your crack cocaine. Step off!!

  8. As a Texan, I'm a meat-lover. I often think that I would be a good vegetarian if it wasn't for steaks, burgers and tacos. You meat. Of course you need to replace the iron you've lost. Duh! Men! Thank God he won't eat the kids though. That truly is a relief. Phew!

  9. I eat meat, beat meat, and if I have to kill for it I will.....fuck them veggie lovers....LONG LIVE THE MEAT!!!!

    Oh and I did the chicken broth in the "veggie" soup thing to a bitch I used to work with....I smiled the whole time!


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