Tonight is the 3rd & final 20/20 match between NZ & South Africa. For reasons unknown to me, & god knows I've been debating with my husband over the phone all afternoon, he is insistent on watching it.
According to him, 20/20 cricket is better than normal cricket. My argument to him is that it's still cricket. It's like rolling a poo in glitter. While it may undeniably look quite attractive, maybe even Xmas tree ornament worthy, underneath the glitter it's still just a big shit. And it's BORING!!!!!!!!!!!
I won't even attempt to go into the logistics of cricket because quite frankly I've never stayed awake long enough to listen when someone has tried to explain it to me.
During my third phone call to him this afternoon to plead my anti cricket stance, he said, and I quote 'why don't you blog or something?'. Piss off.
So here I am, in our bedroom all by myself at 8pm on a Wednesday evening.
Here is my list of 20 things I would rather do than watch cricket.
Paint myself in honey & run head first into a giant wasp nest.
Jam a whole bag of tack covered marbles up my jacksie.
Have a bare knuckled fist fight with an alpha male baboon. It will win hands down & eat my face off regardless of the fact I can round house kick like a machete. But no eyes will mean I won't ever have to watch cricket ever again. WIN!
Give my husband a blowjob every day for the rest of his life. (Blake you can't choose this now. It's too late. I can hear the cricket from the bedroom).
Eat a plate of deep fried cow anus. It probably tastes just like steak anyway.
Make out with the old man willy dribble piss mop in the work toilet.
Ring every single person in the phonebook & sing them my all time non favourite song, You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon. Or The Lion Sleeps Tonight. Listeners choice.
Watch mens gymnastics. Also known as 'man jazz on a box', 'man jazz on a fancy bar thing' or 'how do you like my Lycra coated scrotum?'.
Cut off all my hair & sew it onto my pubic mound with a dirty needle.
Eat a hobo fart.
Accidentally on purpose mace a Nana. Or a load of Nana's. I'm not fussy.
Teach some street kids how to properly set a council rubbish bin on fire. Spread the wisdom. Huzzah!
Build a barbed wire fort all around my side of the bed instead of the pillow fort I currently build every night before I go to sleep. He doesn't need to feel the womanly warmth of his wife's body as he drifts off to sleep. He has cricket now.
Lick a car battery.
Look after someones children. I am so goddamn serious right now. However, this would never happen. Why you ask? Please read every post I have ever written. That is why. I can't be trusted. I'm a rogue.
Break into the 4x4 parked just outside my bedroom window, take off the hand break & watch if roll into the ocean while I clap like a retarded seal.
Sellotape knives & forks to my fingers (like Edward Scissorhands but not. I'd be Becky ForknKnife Hands) then stick my hands in the toaster.
Lock myself in the cupboard under the stairs with nothing but Mariah Careys Christmas hits blaring on a small CD player, a piece of photo copy paper & a packet of popping candy. And then swallow the key. I am not lying, I would pee on the popping candy to activate the pop, jam it in my ear holes then I would paper cut my own leg of & use it to bash the door down. I always got a plan yo.
Punch myself in the face really hard then jump into a tank of hungry tiger sharks.
Learn what Lent is? No, I really don't know?
You will be surprised & frightened by how quickly I came up with that list. It both excites & concerns me.
Any sport you just can't get into no matter how hard you try? What would rather do than watch it?
I leave you with an ecard that made me smile some today......anyone who can not familiarise with this either has no soul or no anus.
Holla baller! Hearing that!
Peace, love & down with cricket,
P.S Like everything else I bad mouth, if you find that all the men standing round rubbing red balls up & down there white pantaloons gives you a royal man fanny spasm, good for you old chap. I only judge my husband because I can. And he's really sexy.