Thursday, March 1, 2012

This is me, naked.

"Man is a universe within himself" - Bob Marley

We all have our stories. The stories that mould & shape us.

I've always believed that a past without mistakes is a life unlived.

Everything I have done to date, the awesome stuff, the selfless kind stuff, the evil & bullshit awful stuff, has made me who I am right this very second. I have regrets. But I can't change anything & those regrets can not prevent me from living the shit out of this life the best way I know how.

I am about to share something with you that could well end your love affair with me. And you know what, I completely understand. You owe me nothing. I am not sharing this with you because I am searching for an outpouring of unconditional love & support. Nor am I here for followers or mass hits on my blog. All I ask is that you read on with an open mind & an open heart.

I am also sharing this because it's my way of recognising & accepting that nothing ever really goes away. 

In 2004, I managed a music store. I loved the fuck outta that job. However, while I worked 80 hours plus a week, lived in sin with a pot head manic depressive boyfriend, a step father slowly being eaten away by pancreatic cancer & everything grey & crumbling around me, I found solace in gambling (slot machines/pokies).

Most people ask me how is it possible that someone can be addicted to a machine that is pre-set to eat all your money & ruin your life, I don't have any answers for you but I know it's goddamn possible.

The chemical reaction in your brain, that release of pure ecstasy is similar to that of a crack addict taking a hit. It's bliss. It's an escape from an otherwise shit reality. My world & everything around me had lost it's sparkle & spending hours upon hours sitting in front of a pokie machine was my form of escapism.

I used to be able to waste $100 in one cigarette. It was just paper to me & had no value.

For a long time, I was in control. Atleast I told myself I was. But then it became the first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning. The need to gamble consumed me. I frothed at the mouth at the thought of it. I would leave work at midday & not return until 4pm. Sometimes not at all. I spent all my money. I gambled my rent. I gambled my phone bill money. I gambled our grocery money. I sold my beautiful white Takamine guitar which was a gift from my parents just for $400 fucking dollars to jam in those stupid machines.

The people in my life that loved me could see what was happening. But they couldn't stop me, god knows they tried. I would just lie. And find some dark dingy casino room to hide in & gamble away my problems. My self destruct button had been repeatedly smashed over a 10 year period. This was my epic dying swan dance.

I started to steal from my employer to finance my habit. I was in a position of responsibility. It wasn't hard.
Over a period of 9 months I stole a large sum of money.

I couldn't stop. Stuck in a vicious cycle of stealing, gambling it all away then promising myself I would pay it back on pay day. So I turned myself into the cops. I was arrested. I pleaded guilty. I was convicted & sentenced. I didn't go to jail. I was given 150 hours community service & 1 years probation.

I went & got help. Not just for the gambling. But for all the sad hurt that I had buried down deep inside for so long for all the things I had lost. My dad. My family home life. A pregnancy. A relationship. My shattered self esteem due to years of mental & emotional abuse. My childhood. And most importantly, ME.

I fell from grace with a mighty thud. But instead of letting it beat me, I got my ass back up & I've spent the last nearly 8 years making everything I stand for count for something.

I found solace in my music. I have earned back trust & respect from my friends & family.

I can not express the huge amount of love I feel for all those people who stood by me through that time. Without them, I would never have got back on my feet.

I haven't gambled since the 24th of October 2004. The day I was arrested.

I am not going to sit here & tell you all the reasons why you should like me. It's taken me a long time to like me again. I have a good husband & family/friends that love the shit outta me. I have a good job that I'm bloody good at with bosses that respect me. I am good with money. I am responsible. I have inner strength beyond my years & pair of shoulders on me that can carry almost anything. Almost.

Yesterday, after a few phonecalls, I was informed that I have to apply to for a special visa in order for me transit through the US & stop over in LA for a night on the way to/from Cancun. Because of that shit thing I did 8 years ago. It's unlikely, but I may not be able to go away to Mexico.

On the Visa Waiver form, for which people on a New Zealand passport are eligible for, there is a question asking if I have ever been committed of a moral turpitude, drug trafficking, terrorism, kidnapping & a plethora of other fucking awful crimes. Much to my disgust I had to tick yes. Apparently 'moral turptitude' means any crime for which one has been convicted.

I sat in my office & I sobbed. Not at the prospect of not be able to go to Cancun. Or the fact I have to fly to the US Embassy in Auckland & spend a heap of money for a special interview in hopes of being granted a visa. But because it's taken me back to that time in my life where I was the worst version of myself.

When we cut ourselves deeply, the scar is for life.

This is my scar. The scar I gave myself that I wear as a reminder of the person I once was. It has healed & the skin is strong but sometimes it still hurts like a bitch.

I will be ok.

While there are people out there dealing with some major suck stuff like cancer, poverty & war, I am allowing myself a small selfish moment to reflect on how far I have come. A moment to feel sad for the old Becky & then be proud for all that I have achieved in the last 8 years.

I like the me I am now. She is a good bastard.

Thanks for stopping by & taking the time to read this. And if you are disappointed because you were hoping to see a picture of me with no clothes on, trust me I did you a favour.

Fun Becky will be back sometime over the next few days & she will announce the winner of Februarys bitchin' prize.

Peace & Love


  1. March 12th, 2008. That's the night I got completely shitwrecked on vodka and plowed my car into a tree...with my children in the backseat. That is also the night I was arrested for a DUI, spent the night in jail, and the night I took the last fucking drink of my life. We all have our shit, Bex. Owning up to it just makes me love you even more. ((HUGS))

    1. Reading your confession only inspired me to deal with my own. Thank for passing on your strength & bravery. At the end of it all we found each other. And so glad we did x

  2. I think that you are very brave. Brave to have turned yourself in, brave to have faced the problem and brave for continuing to find your way out of it. My hubby reminds me every day of our mantra together....adapt and overcome. I am sure that you will find a way to adapt and overcome this obstacle as well.

  3. everyone has demons....God knows I do. As long as you know and care what you were/are doing is wrong and you do all that is in your power to change it you shouldn't feel bad. It's easy for someone who hasn't been through a trying time....a truly trying time, to sit and judge but those of us that have been there completely understand and celebrate your emergence from despair and negativity.

    And it sucks but the memories of the fucked up shit i did keep me moving in the right as much as I hate them I have to appreciate them because there are things about myself that i may not have otherwise known....Papatigga still gots mad love for some Bexst*r

  4. @Jana...adapt and overcome....fuckin right...good shit

  5. Very brave to put it all out there. We have all fallen and people are in various stages of picking themselves up (if they bothered to). Celebrate your victories.

  6. Good on ya Bex for getting yourself out of that rutt, it takes a lot to admit to yourself that you have a problem like that and a lot to get yourself out of it, its something you can look back on and say I got myself out of that I can do anything!

  7. < you hard....and Cancun will be a blast, don't you worry...get that beav shaved and ready to go in your bathing suit!!!

  8. I still love ya. No matter what you did 8 years ago. You're an amazing person.

    And, as an American citizen, I think you should allowed into my country on your delay to Mexico. So...put that in your Passport and stamp it.


  9. Are you fucking kidding me? You think that shit will make people dislike you?

    Pffffttttt. Screw 'em and the queefs that rode 'em in.

    You're aces in my book.

  10. add another thumbs up to the list. We all have our shit! Good on you for overcoming all of it. Live life for today we learn and grow and take a step forward. Put my America stamp there with Chubby's. You rock!

  11. We've all got some ugly in our past, stuff we're not proud of - but very few have the balls to throw it out there for people to judge. You've got some big ones, lady - big hairy ones! :)
    You make me aspire to be more like you.

  12. You're so brave to put this all out there. It doesn't make me like you any less: it makes me love you more!

  13. Well, how disappointing, I'm so disgusted I may never read this blog again.
    Yeah, Right.
    If anything Bex, that post made me love you a bit harder than yesterday, and I throw my applause for your bravery in going public about it all in alongside everyone else's. Like all of us, I have my skeletons in the closet, but I'm not sure if push came to shove whether I'd have the balls to share mine with everyone else - the fact that you did shows the strength of character that was behind your decision to put a stop to your addiction, a step VERY few addicts ever make on their own. Whilst I'm sure remembering that time in your life has stirred up some feelings and memories you'd rather keep buried, you should instead focus on the fact that you can now look back with pride at the way you resolved the situation and how far you've come since then.
    Just promise me one thing - don't ever again worry about whether the mistakes of your past will stop people from liking who you are now. You've dealt with those demons and moved on, and if someone thinks you still deserve to be haunted by past mistakes they're probably not the kind of friend you need around anyway. So you made a mistake once - show me one human being who hasn't. You started with a Bob Marley quote (a man wise beyond both his music and his years) so let me end with one: “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
    Hugs to you, friend, - you're definately one of those he was talking about ;)

  14. I will cross everything I got that the passport issue is just a tenny tiny blip on your radar of fun times ahead!!!!!

  15. That is awesome and very brave of you to write what you did today.

    I work in the casino and deal with people who have gambling problems and are at various levels of addiction and depression. It is sad to see, especially since it is a way of life for so many people. It perhaps might have been a problem of mine at one point.

    But most of them will never admit it or fix it.

    Kudos to you for taking control and changing your life for the better.

    Sure, you might have permanent scars. But better that then permanent bleeding wounds.

  16. Are you kidding me? You finally wanted to stop, so you WILLINGLY turned yourself into the cops??? That is a ballsy move, mamma! The US shouldn't just let you in to the country, they should make a fucking PSA based on your life!! I am so glad you shared this, and there is no way I would ever think less of you just because you faced your demons & kicked their asses. I think you are even more badass now than I did before. And I didn't even think that was possible. Much love baby!! MWAH!

  17. I really hope you get it ... because the simple fact that you realized your shit and got yourself together.. you fixed yourself which is more than a lot of us can say. I'm SO effing proud of you for that and it makes me love you that much more.

    I'm putting my energy in your corner and I'm hoping like hell the combination of the positive vibes of all the fucking rad ass bitches that love you like hell.. like i know we all do.. helps the karmic universe give you the vacation you deserve!

    xoxo with love!

  18. Maybe it's not proper form for me to tell you this, but if it's possible, I like you more. I told a dear friend the other day that people with scars and history have texture. Texture is all the rage. <3 ya girl and so happy you found your way back to the top! Since you're WAY younger than me I feel perfectly okay saying, "I am so proud of you bitch!" Thank you for sharing your texture!

  19. You're amazing, and you're brave, and you're completely right - everything that's come before makes us into the people we are now. Good, bad, whatever our baggage - without it, we wouldn't be the people we are. And you're kickass. And, in part, coming through that helped make you that way. We all have our shit, you know? You handled it better than most people would even dream of handling it. And if anyone dislikes you for your past - you don't need them in your present. Simple as that. We're not our pasts. We're our present.

  20. Love you Bex- the fact that you just relived a time in your life that you weren't proud of, and shared it with us, just makes me love you more.

  21. You did the right thing and had the courage to face your problems head on, which is one of the toughest things you can ever do. We all have a past and have done stuff that we're not proud of, but the important thing is we've learned from our experiences and grown from them. The tough times make you stronger! There's a distinct difference between being a good person who's done bad things and a bad person who only does "good" things to cover their ass. You're the former and anyone with half a brain can see that. Thank you for sharing this with us :) xxxx

  22. I also like the you you are now. And yes, you will be OK. Sending a hug (and sloppy, wet, prickly beard kisses that make you immediately wipe your mouth with your sleeve and go "ick"!).

  23. Bexstar, You got my attention on this post. Anything with "naked" in it seems to. Hey, go to my blog site. I have a little surprise for you.

  24. Big tucking hugs from Canada. You dealt with your shit and are fabulous. Keep posting - we're here for the good and the bad cause life isn't a sitcom with a laugh track

  25. Such a brave post! Thank you for sharing, this kind of honesty is unique (I'm not that open with my shit).

    A weird were arrested on my birthday. Hm.

  26. I was all busy and wrapped up in my me-ness yesterday and I saw this post and I was like. . . I'll read it later. So then today I saw you posted again and I remember. . . "I didn't read yesterday's. . . no biggie, I'll just read today!" So then I started reading today's and was thinking. . . christ! What the hell did I miss yesterday.

    And so here I am.

    You're a bigger man than I (speaking metaphorically here. . . I strongly suspect you may not even be a man at all). You layed it all out there and judgement be damned you owned it.

    So many other comments say the same, but we all have our problems. Sounds like you're probably one of the few "healthy" ones in the bunch. (No offense other people, but you really need to get your shit together like ol' Bexstar has).

    Anyway. . . I like you as much as I ever have. Whatever that's worth. . . and I'm sorry your chickens came home to roost and may have effed up your Cancun trip. Huge bummer.

  27. I have so much respect for you right now. Do you have any idea of the kind of courage you showed by turning yourself in? The strength that it took to do that? That you, on your own, took your moral compass in hand?
    I think that every human being has a hunger of some kind, and it can become an addiction in the blink of an eye, and some people just don't have what it takes to come back from that...but you, my friend, DO.
    I am so proud to know you.

  28. Love you, Bex. <3 You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

  29. I think you are strong and brave I give you props for owning up. Any friend of Jen's...... We all have our demons.

  30. You are incredibly inspiring, and your straight-out honesty (even while neck-deep in addition and embezzlement!) is astounding. Thank you for sharing this.

  31. Wow, I came here from Jen's blog and so happy she linked to this post! You're awesome and wonderful...! Jen says you didn't get the visa which is shitty - do you have to fly through the States?

  32. You're wonderful and silly for thinking this would impact your reader's impression of you. If anything this has only added depth, perspective and a feeling of familiarity in your 'friendship' with the blogosphere.
    You're incredibly strong and you should be forever proud of the steps you have made and the hurdles you have knocked the shit out of.

    You're badass. Don't ever forget it!

  33. Linked here from Jen's blog and I have to say, you are truly amazing! Here in Montreal (Canada) there are SO many people addicted to those poker machines and sadly most of them are on social welfare. The worst part is here in WONDERFUL (hear the sarcasm there) Quebec the poker machines are owned by Lotto Quebec which is owned by the government. So, they are only too happy to take back the money they are giving these people. This is not to say that wealthier and middle classed people don't have this problem as well.

    All this to say how awesome and rare it is for someone to have the strength of character to own up to having a problem and what they have done. It is uplifting and inspiring to hear how you have turned your life around.

    Thank you for sharing your darkest moments with us.

    Oh and you have a new follower for your blog!


  34. I linked in from Misty's and I'm glad I did. Reading this made me think to the dark times I've had to come to grips about and then release. I had to recognize my own faults before I could move on. It took a lot out of me, but I still probably couldn't put it out there for anyone to see.

    Don't let this setback take you back too far.

    Let it be a reminder of not where you were, but how far you've come.

  35. Although, I don't know you, I am proud of you. Writing this took courage. Addiction comes in many forms, and I have experienced it myself. You will receive nothing but respect from me.

  36. Stunningly brave post. And now I'm adding you to my Blogroll ... so no loss of a fan here, you gained a new one.

  37. You just gained a new reader in me, too. Found you through Jen, already love both of you.

    1. Glad to have you stop by. Jen is the bomb!!

  38. I followed from a link on another blog 'jen esaid qoui'. That was an honest thing to write, i work next to a Casino and i see people all the time with addictions to that place. It must be hard to face it head on and deal with it.Did you at least get to Mexico?.

    1. Hi there. Yes I have managed to be able to fly through Buenos Aries. Thanks for stopping by my blog :)


I love reading your comments. Comments are sexy.