Blake doesn't get jealous cos he loves summer too. We often have threesomes with summer. Vag spasms galore yo! Summer bangs me so hard that I have to sleep with the fan on every night sans blanket. And I don't even care that he always gives me a burny skin rash. He can't help that. I am careful & always use protection yet I'm still allergic to his love rays. He is so worth the itchy peely pain.
Summer makes me feel young again. We spend endless hours at the beach getting sand in our crotches, we attend countless BBQ's, & we drink a shit tonne of whatever ends up in our glass. He is the life of the party, everyone smiles like a goon on Ecstasy when around him & gags for a piece of his hot lovin action.
Summer is a real good time. And every year I love him just a little bit more.
We agreed that we would meet again December 1st 2011, & I couldn't have been more excited. I was frothing at the gon burger at the prospect of seeing him again. I sat & I waited with eager lust for this sexy season to grace me with it's presence.
As each day passed, I soon came to realise the inevitable, summer wasn't coming. He stood me up & I'm really pissed off about it. My fan sat in the corner of my room for 3 months, sad & unused.
I have my theories of what happened to him. Please read on.
- He ate too much while on holiday in the northern hemisphere. He got so morbidly obese & sad at the prospect that I might become a judgey bitch & not love him anymore. Overcome with shame, his heart jacked in & he died.
- While hunting foxes in the English forest, his horse tripped over a log. Summer got thrown off & got crushed like a bag of corn chips by his own horse. It crushed him & he died. Never trust a goddamn horse. It's death on legs.
- He went shark cage diving off the coast of Cape Town. As the 7 metre great white was approaching he got so excited & forgot to breathe from the oxygen piece in his pie hole. He swallowed water & drowned.
- He got caught by Balinese customs officers with marijuana in his surfboard bag & is now serving a life sentence in a Balinese men's prison.
- One of his fellow seaman went overboard. In a pure act of heroism he jumped overboard to save his friend. He got sucked under the boat by the propeller & minced like yesterdays chili con carne.
- Some sicko got so jealous at his impending departure to my side of the world, so in an act of desperate love they poisoned him. He died.
- Because he's such an epic man whore, he contracted the AIDS virus & died.
- He has holed himself up in a basement somewhere, succumbed to the universal allure of World of Warcraft.
- He was kidnapped by Somali pirates. They are now using him as a wing man to score mammoth amounts of poon tang with the local Somali ho's. He's good like that. He makes everyone horny.
- He just doesn't like my voluptuous piece of Becky ass no more. Even though I am clearly more good looking than last year. So he decided not to come.
- He died & has been reincarnated as racoon. A racoon that's having too much fun with kittens. Creepy AND weird.
Now it's Autumn. The only words I can think of off the top of my head that rhyme with Autumn is Post Mortem. Because I feel dead inside at the very thought of you Summer.
The leaves on the once green trees have began turning orange. And falling dead to the ground. Orange is the ugly older sister of Red. Nothing good can come from orange. Except for orange juice & Oompa Loompas.
And then comes winter. It rhymes with splinter. And no one likes splinters. They hurt like buggery & are a bitch to get out. And if they get infected shit gets real nasty.
I welcome winter with the same enthusiasm as shitting in my own hands & clapping like a spastic.
Winter. Le sigh. A thorn in my side. And let me tell you I aint' no fan of Mannie Lennox. See what I did there? Man-nie. She may be married to her male counterpart but I ain't no fool cuz. She has a man voice.
While I drown in disappointment at the impending doom of winter, my warning to you folk on the other side of the world........don't expect big things from summer this year. He has let us down. And if he tries to text or phone for a late night booty call or to fill my head with more lies, I will most definitely not
I will wait, with baited breath, to see if summer can redeem himself in December. Til then, he is on my list of things I don't like very much.
In fact he is at the top of this list in my little black book. It's not your usual black book........
Nothing is more frightening than a Becky scorned. I know some Becky's. We are all pretty unhinged in a good but scarey way.
In happier news, my winner of February's Winner Wednesday prize is Jayne at Ach Du Lieber. Can I get a WOOP WOOP up in here!!
Jayne pulls random thoughts out of her ass (that's what she said) & puts them out there for the world to read. I like this woman. And right now she is suffering from writers block. Jayne I hope this awesome prize taints your day with some happy happy joy joy & unleashes the writing fury within.
Please flick me an email at email@example.com with your address & I'll get the pirate booty in the mail to ya.
Oh yeah I spose I better tell you what you have won. Today you have won, one 'People I would like to punch in the face' Little Black Book. See photo above. ALSO a pair of these.....bad ass bang bang earrings!!
|Check out more kickass NZ made jewellery at www.cassiejadedesign.com|
I have a pair of these which I am wearing right now. I really hope you have pierced ears. If not, I just unknowingly gave you a friends next birthday present. My pleasure.
I have decided from now on I am going to keep the monthly winner Wednesday prize a surprise. Everyone likes surprises. Especially when Summers done a no show & you're feeling a bit poos.
Have you seen summer? Is he lurking in your neighbourhood? I am offering a reward of nothing but my love if you bring him home to me.
Peace, love & wanky seasons,