Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Summer stood me up.

Summer is my navy boy. He visits town once a year for 3 months & when he gets here, it's on bitches. He smells nice, makes everyone stupid happy (especially me), he's hot as hell & he makes me sweat like a $2 hooker at an big black penis party.

Blake doesn't get jealous cos he loves summer too. We often have threesomes with summer. Vag spasms galore yo! Summer bangs me so hard that I have to sleep with the fan on every night sans blanket. And I don't even care that he always gives me a burny skin rash. He can't help that. I am careful & always use protection yet I'm still allergic to his love rays. He is so worth the itchy peely pain.

Summer makes me feel young again. We spend endless hours at the beach getting sand in our crotches, we attend countless BBQ's, & we drink a shit tonne of whatever ends up in our glass. He is the life of the party, everyone smiles like a goon on Ecstasy when around him & gags for a piece of his hot lovin action.

Summer is a real good time. And every year I love him just a little bit more.

We agreed that we would meet again December 1st 2011, & I couldn't have been more excited. I was frothing at the gon burger at the prospect of seeing him again. I sat & I waited with eager lust for this sexy season to grace me with it's presence.

As each day passed, I soon came to realise the inevitable, summer wasn't coming. He stood me up & I'm really pissed off about it. My fan sat in the corner of my room for 3 months, sad & unused.


I have my theories of what happened to him. Please read on.
  • He ate too much while on holiday in the northern hemisphere. He got so morbidly obese & sad at the prospect that I might become a judgey bitch & not love him anymore. Overcome with shame, his heart jacked in & he died.
  • While hunting foxes in the English forest, his horse tripped over a log. Summer got thrown off & got crushed like a bag of corn chips by his own horse. It crushed him & he died. Never trust a goddamn horse. It's death on legs.
  • He went shark cage diving off the coast of Cape Town. As the 7 metre great white was approaching he got so excited & forgot to breathe from the oxygen piece in his pie hole. He swallowed water & drowned.
  • He got caught by Balinese customs officers with marijuana in his surfboard bag & is now serving a life sentence in a Balinese men's prison.
  • One of his fellow seaman went overboard. In a pure act of heroism he jumped overboard to save his friend. He got sucked under the boat by the propeller & minced like yesterdays chili con carne.
  • Some sicko got so jealous at his impending departure to my side of the world, so in an act of desperate love they poisoned him. He died.
  • Because he's such an epic man whore, he contracted the AIDS virus & died.
  • He has holed himself up in a basement somewhere, succumbed to the universal allure of World of Warcraft.
  • He was kidnapped by Somali pirates. They are now using him as a wing man to score mammoth amounts of poon tang with the local Somali ho's. He's good like that. He makes everyone horny.
  • He just doesn't like my voluptuous piece of Becky ass no more. Even though I am clearly more good looking than last year. So he decided not to come.
  • He died & has been reincarnated as racoon. A racoon that's having too much fun with kittens. Creepy AND weird.

Now it's Autumn. The only words I can think of off the top of my head that rhyme with Autumn is Post Mortem. Because I feel dead inside at the very thought of you Summer.

The leaves on the once green trees have began turning orange. And falling dead to the ground. Orange is the ugly older sister of Red. Nothing good can come from orange. Except for orange juice & Oompa Loompas.

And then comes winter. It rhymes with splinter. And no one likes splinters. They hurt like buggery & are a bitch to get out. And if they get infected shit gets real nasty.

I welcome winter with the same enthusiasm as shitting in my own hands & clapping like a spastic.

Winter. Le sigh. A thorn in my side. And let me tell you I aint' no fan of Mannie Lennox. See what I did there? Man-nie. She may be married to her male counterpart but I ain't no fool cuz. She has a man voice.

While I drown in disappointment at the impending doom of winter, my warning to you folk on the other side of the world........don't expect big things from summer this year. He has let us down. And if he tries to text or phone for a late night booty call or to fill my head with more lies, I will most definitely not probably will give in to his protests of undying love for yours truly. Not this time bucko. He has diddled with my heart one last time.

I will wait, with baited breath, to see if summer can redeem himself in December. Til then, he is on my list of things I don't like very much.

In fact he is at the top of this list in my little black book. It's not your usual black book........



Nothing is more frightening than a Becky scorned. I know some Becky's. We are all pretty unhinged in a good but scarey way.

In happier news, my winner of February's Winner Wednesday prize is Jayne at Ach Du Lieber. Can I get a WOOP WOOP up in here!!

Jayne pulls random thoughts out of her ass (that's what she said) & puts them out there for the world to read. I like this woman. And right now she is suffering from writers block. Jayne I hope this awesome prize taints your day with some happy happy joy joy & unleashes the writing fury within.

Please flick me an email at bexstard@yahoo.co.nz with your address & I'll get the pirate booty in the mail to ya.

Oh yeah I spose I better tell you what you have won. Today you have won, one 'People I would like to punch in the face' Little Black Book. See photo above. ALSO a pair of these.....bad ass bang bang earrings!!

Check out more kickass NZ made jewellery at www.cassiejadedesign.com

I have a pair of these which I am wearing right now. I really hope you have pierced ears. If not, I just unknowingly gave you a friends next birthday present. My pleasure.

I have decided from now on I am going to keep the monthly winner Wednesday prize a surprise. Everyone likes surprises. Especially when Summers done a no show & you're feeling a bit poos.

Have you seen summer? Is he lurking in your neighbourhood? I am offering a reward of nothing but my love if you bring him home to me.

Peace, love & wanky seasons,

30 comments:

  1. Summer didn't binge on jack shit up here last June. That punk ass bastard didn't show up until late July and then skulked off in the middle of fucking August. I want to punch him in the neck so. Damned. Hard.

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    1. I second this, and would like to add that in Canada, he didn't even bother to show his whore face until mid July. We had like 2 weeks of summer!

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    2. Please make it a double banger Jen. One from me as well. And Lara, I'm fully feeling your hate rage.

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  2. Summer is still at my house. Sorry, ho. He just can't get enough of me.

    But for cereal, TAKE HIM TAKE HIM NOW.

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    1. Girl I would if I could. But he don't want a bar of me.

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  3. Bex- I have a cure for you. COME TO COLORADO IN THREE MONTHS>>>> summer will be here then. You and I can drink spiked lemonade and smack mosquitoes off of each other. It will be magical.

    Congrats Jayne! You are awesome and I am super jealous of your prize, but you are prize worthy so I'll be okay.

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    1. Thanks, Johi! The prize is amazing and so are all of you! Here's to many, many blog posts re: the bang bang bling.

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    2. My Johi, don't be jealous of the prize, I have a a little summin' summin' (belated birthday pres) on it's way to your fine ass on Colorado very very soon x

      P.S Colorado is on our list of places to visit for sure.

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  4. Summer stood Scotland up as well last year, slack bastard! However, he's fucking with our mind right now and has given us a fairly mild winter :S this is what he does best - He gives you a lil taster and then leaves you wanting more, its so frustrating!
    Carolyn xx

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    1. Lady I have spent a winter in Scotland & I have never been so cold in my entire life. I was baffled observing whore-like bitches walk up the main street on a Saturday night in nothing but a 30cm x 30cm piece of cloth trying to pass off as a dress. While I was basically encased from head to toe in wool, thermals & fifty pairs of socks. What the fuck is that about?

      AND I watched scottish rugby players play in the snow. It was to date the most impressive display of gargatuan man ball sporting I have ever seen! I bow down to those hardcore boys. P.S I promised my husband I would ask you if you can please steal him a piglet. He wants one as a pet.

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  5. Summer is hanging out close to the east coast of the us, because our "winter" this year has been INCREDIBLY mild. Sorry lady!

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    1. I hope he gets eaten by a goddam monster bear. And please don't apologise on his behalf. I still really like you.

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  6. If there's any truth to your suggestion that Summer has been in England at all, I'm afraid I have bad news. You see, English soil is like Kryptonite to Summer, and he is undoubtedly by now stone dead somewhere, or at the very best lying all drained and shrivelled in a hedgerow somewhere just outside Milton Keynes. Which is fine with us Brits, since we never got along with him that well anyway - lousy douche never shows up on time, always has somewhere else to be that's better than here, and therefore no sooner does he arrive and get us excited than he's buggered off again, leaving us all undressed with no place to go. We're moving in with Winter anyway - he's so much more reliable, and always here when we need him, not to mention the fact that he never goes more than a few days without getting us wet.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Best comment ever! I have spent time in your country & could not agree more. You guys have definitely been dealt a shit hand in the summer department. I was going to suggest you could always move here? But then I remembered that Summer is a douche & we aren't talking right now.

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  7. Summer acted like he was going to come back here early this year, but he pulled back and we are having to wait longer.

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    1. He's such a dam poon tease! I hope he pleasures you this coming season in ways you can't imagine. Someones gotta get something out of him.

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  8. I've heard summer will be visiting me at the end of the week. Sorry ho. He's my man now!! Maybe you'll meet up with him for a quick fling in LA when you are here in April. It's pretty much always summer in LA.

    Congrats to Jayne!! She is awesome and those are awesome prizes.

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    1. Thanks, Misty. I'm gonna post pics of me and the earrings everyday for a week. Fuck writers block. I've got badass Bex jewelry!

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    2. Misty please kick Summer in the scrotum on my behalf with your beautiful lady shod fuck kick foot & tell him I am so not talking to him right now.

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  9. SO FUCKING JEALOUS ABOUT THOSE EARRINGS I CAN'T STAND IT.

    oh and it's winter here :P But it's been 80* for the last 4 days. WTF?

    Speaking of cuntbags, Google Fucking Chrome is a Google Fucking NAZI and will not let me post comments on your blog. Eleventy billionth time is the charm? Please, you fucking twat?

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    1. Don't worry, Taz...I'm sure I'll only post 15 or 16 pics of me wearing the earrings.

      I think this is just the writer's laxative I needed.

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    2. Taz there are so many blogs that won't let me comment. Contraire to their thoughts that just maybe I am an ignorant asshole, not so. Swearing is good for the soul. It's better & less expensive than punching holes in the wall.

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  10. OK I totally was swearing at Google. Just sayin.

    Big smooches.

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  11. I am a freak. I don't like Summer. I'm hot (hah) for Winter.

    I said it first...freak

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    1. The only living thing I know of that actually likes winter is bears. Because they get to sleep for a long time. I will now add Kaz to my pie graph of winter likers.

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    2. Yay! Pie graphs are my very favourite kind of graph.
      I like pie just as much as I like Winter
      Makes me less of a freak I'd say

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  12. Are you sure you're not in the medical field? Cause this is just what the doctor ordered!! (See? See how bad this writer's block really is? Sad. I know)

    I absolutely couldn't be more stoked about the earrings!!! You rock, Bex. Oh, and sorry about Summer. Seasons can be assholes.

    I will email you straight away! Thanks! You're the Bex!

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    1. I'm not an actual qualified doctor per say, but my advice has been known to be pretty dam awesome. My pleasure lady! It excites me no end giving kickass presents to kickass bitches x

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  13. Summer? That tramp can kiss my rusty sheriffs badge!
    I have had more fun from some world reknowned cock teases.
    I got all excited one sunday in mid feb, almost blew my load coz i came home with a mild dose of exposure to her lovin rays, thought "holy sunstroke batman" the bitch is back! but no, it wasnt to be. She up'ed and left poste haste to parts unknown.
    Fuck her. Bring on Mr Winter. At least I can trust him to freeze my jangly danglies.
    Again, Bex you crack me up! Could you possibly see your way to bogging daily?? Night shift is such boring shite...................

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  14. I fucking love you. Fuck Summer. He doesn't deserve you. I'm not really a lesbian but I CAN warm you up with my heating pad. MY heating pad is old and experienced and unlike the NEW heating pads, doesn't turn off after 20 minutes. Summer is too shallow to appreciate your wit and I am a mega whore for your metaphor. And your similes make me siiiilllllllllly. Mother nature is OBVIOUSLY so jealous of you that she is holding Summer hostage and trying to dry you up with those crusty orange leaves. Rage against that machine, sister.
    Dear STEP-MOTHER Nature: jealousy is a disease.....GET WELL SOON.
    AND FUCK YOUR FAN TOO. You don't need one measly oscillating fan when you have an entire cyber nation of fans oscillating around your orb of awesomeness!

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