I like Valentines Day about as much as a painful ass crack waxing. I would rather eat a rubbish bag filled with rusty scrap metal than be forced to endure all it's epic commercial dickflappery.
I have never sent anyone anything on Valentines Day. I have however, received a few.
When I was 11, my boy crush at the time, Drew, bought me a single red rose & a small white teddy bear holding a pillow that said 'I wuv you'. While on the inside I was overjoyed at this confirmation of his love for me (he was the hottest boy in my school. That was the day my head grew to the massive size it is now), ALL the girls were jealous & decided to hate me. Hoes before bros. Completely ruined my street cred with the bitches.
The next day my mum & I went away for a weekend down the Westcoast. White love teddy sat on the dashboard of our car whilst roadtrippin. Unfortunately I put him on the toilet cistern of the motel room while I peed, & there was an earthquake & love teddy fell in my piss water.
I took this as a sign from the love gods that our love was not destined for greatness. This sporty active boy, whom I loved so fiercely, died from throat cancer in his early twenty's & he didn't even smoke.While we lost touch when I moved cities, I'd never forgotten him. Sad.
Toby, the gawky boy with the club feet who lived round the corner from me, he dropped a heap of stickers & a bag of cherries in my mailbox one Valentines Day. I loved Cherries. And I loved collecting stickers. I had a sticker book that was filled with all sorts of awesome. I was his friend because he gave me free shit. And he had a really nice house. There I said it.
In my early twenties, a boy that I didn't really like at all sent me the biggest bunch of roses to my university class. Everyone was envious & depressed because I got flowers & no one else did. And I didn't even like him. Mainly because he was mental & his love for me was so intense, I'm positive he was one step away from slipping me a roofy, peeling my skin off & wearing it as a coat.
I've had many lonely Valentines Days too. It's the one day of the year when you question your self worth & wonder if you will ever find that one person to love forever. Depressing, self esteem raping, stupid wanky Valentines Day.
I rebel against the gooey vag spasm that is Valentines day & have never sent anyone flowers/chocolates/other valentine bullshit gifts. I stand strong in my beliefs that you shouldn't need one day of the year to tell the people you love, that you indeed love them. I love my people every goddamn day. Shove that up your cornhole Hallmark! You ain't gettin none of my money.
While you sit at your office desk today as the flower man comes through the door with the big bunch of roses & you find your heart skipping a beat, for a nano second wondering if your mysterious John Cussack has come through with the goods, only to be dealt the heart smashing disappointment when those same flowers are handed to the office troll who you just can't understand how anyone could love......it's a giant commercial head fuck.
Feel content knowing that those roses will die. And the guy expressing his love for the office skank is only trying to get it in. Quite frankly it shouldn't be that much hard work. He will soon realise when his cock & balls are covered in small burny blisters that it was a big waste of money.
To all my friends out there that are rockin valentines day solo, today I will be your John Cussack. I love you this much.........
If you find yourself around someone today that is feeling a little down cos they ain't got no sweetheart, give them a little bum grab, or front bum grab if you secretly find them really really goodlooking & would like to bang fanny's with them. Trust me, it will make their day.
Valentines Day hater or lover?
Peace & love,
P.S In saying all of this, I just posted an E-card on Facebook wishing my husband happy valentines day. I hadn't had breakfast yet & was overcome by what can only be described as a moment of pure insanity. Don't worry I will punch myself in the face for it later.