Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentines Days is bullshit. Surely this doesn't surprise you.

I like Valentines Day about as much as a painful ass crack waxing. I would rather eat a rubbish bag filled with rusty scrap metal than be forced to endure all it's epic commercial dickflappery.

I have never sent anyone anything on Valentines Day. I have however, received a few.

When I was 11, my boy crush at the time, Drew, bought me a single red rose & a small white teddy bear holding a pillow that said 'I wuv you'. While on the inside I was overjoyed at this confirmation of his love for me (he was the hottest boy in my school. That was the day my head grew to the massive size it is now), ALL the girls were jealous & decided to hate me. Hoes before bros. Completely ruined my street cred with the bitches.

The next day my mum & I went away for a weekend down the Westcoast. White love teddy sat on the dashboard of our car whilst roadtrippin. Unfortunately I put him on the toilet cistern of the motel room while I peed, & there was an earthquake & love teddy fell in my piss water.

I took this as a sign from the love gods that our love was not destined for greatness. This sporty active boy, whom I loved so fiercely, died from throat cancer in his early twenty's & he didn't even smoke.While we lost touch when I moved cities, I'd never forgotten him. Sad.

Toby, the gawky boy with the club feet who lived round the corner from me, he dropped a heap of stickers & a bag of cherries in my mailbox one Valentines Day. I loved Cherries. And I loved collecting stickers. I had a sticker book that was filled with all sorts of awesome. I was his friend because he gave me free shit. And he had a really nice house. There I said it.

In my early twenties, a boy that I didn't really like at all sent me the biggest bunch of roses to my university class. Everyone was envious & depressed because I got flowers & no one else did. And I didn't even like him.  Mainly because he was mental & his love for me was so intense, I'm positive he was one step away from slipping me a roofy, peeling my skin off & wearing it as a coat.

I've had many lonely Valentines Days too. It's the one day of the year when you question your self worth & wonder if you will ever find that one person to love forever. Depressing, self esteem raping, stupid wanky Valentines Day.

I rebel against the gooey vag spasm that is Valentines day & have never sent anyone flowers/chocolates/other valentine bullshit gifts. I stand strong in my beliefs that you shouldn't need one day of the year to tell the people you love, that you indeed love them. I love my people every goddamn day. Shove that up your cornhole Hallmark! You ain't gettin none of my money.

While you sit at your office desk today as the flower man comes through the door with the big bunch of roses & you find your heart skipping a beat, for a nano second wondering if your mysterious John Cussack has come through with the goods, only to be dealt the heart smashing disappointment when those same flowers are handed to the office troll who you just can't understand how anyone could love......it's a giant commercial head fuck.

Feel content knowing that those roses will die. And the guy expressing his love for the office skank is only trying to get it in. Quite frankly it shouldn't be that much hard work. He will soon realise when his cock & balls are covered in small burny blisters that it was a big waste of money.

To all my friends out there that are rockin valentines day solo, today I will be your John Cussack. I love you this much.........

If you find yourself around someone today that is feeling a little down cos they ain't got no sweetheart, give them a little bum grab, or front bum grab if you secretly find them really really goodlooking & would like to bang fanny's with them. Trust me, it will make their day.

Valentines Day hater or lover? 

Peace & love,

P.S In saying all of this, I just posted an E-card on Facebook wishing my husband happy valentines day. I hadn't had breakfast yet & was overcome by what can only be described as a moment of pure insanity. Don't worry I will punch myself in the face for it later.


  1. I was anti V-Day until I received a card from Misty showing two withered old ladies fondling each other's pendulous teatsacks and a pin from Johi calling me a slut. Suffice to say, those bitches put me back in the holiday spirit, yo.

    1. Nothing like a saggy tit grope & a slut pin to bring back the love. God you women are awesome!

    2. That's how us bitches do the VD, yo! :)

    3. VD!
      (I yelled that, in case you missed it.)

  2. Aaaaaaa-a-amen!

    I HATE being told that if I don't participate in this arbitrary Hallfuck Markfest that I'm forever to be branded as a horrible girlfriend. Pppffffttt.

    1. I cup my husbands scrotum sometimes just to let him know I still care about his feelings. Surely that's enough?

  3. I don't like valentines day but every year my partner continues to surprise me with gifts.. I like the gifts, so now I say nothing.

    1. fair play girl! You got a keeper there. My husband just leaves his underwear laying on the floor & unflushed floaters in the toilet just to remind me he's keeping it real.

  4. I fucking HATE VD. Actually, good way to put it -VD

    I hope all the smug couples get a VD of their very own. Or at least food poisoning from their romantic meals

    Oh! Do I sound bitter?

    1. Not at all! I promise to keep my love on the inside.

  5. I like Valentines Day.
    However, I do not like that people buy each other roses that are three times as expensive as on every other day of the year. Just remember why you love each other, have some 'couple' time.
    Life can get so busy and in the way of everything else that sometimes you just need to be reminded to tell your better half what you like about them.
    Sure you should do that as often as possible (well not too often, or it gets creapy) but do tell them.
    Especially today :)
    Happy Valentines Day!

    PS: I am still looking for my Valentine ;)

  6. I have asked at both Florists in town today to keep an eye out for a random guy coming in to order me flowers, and to help remind him of my address just in case he cant remember but so far still nothing!

  7. I'm meh about it. I think it's silly & dumb, but then also sort of fun to celebrate with my kids.

    I love YOU, though, and all my blogging bitches. So there's that! :)

  8. Wow! My only Valentine's day present was a bouquet of roses 7 years ago.... Now, I feel depressed!

  9. I'm a complete hater. I hate roses, can't stand chocolate, don't like sappy cards. VD is not meant for me. Neither is Valentine's Day.

  10. My wife says she's had an ass crack wax and "it was horrible."

    That being said, I think I spent about $2,000 on Valentine's Day before reaching my 18th birthday, when I realized that spending shitloads of money wasn't going to get my laid, let alone treated like something better than a fucking stray, so I stopped doing that shit. Sometimes I put together a card. Sometimes I pay for dinner. But I generally do that year round, too. And thank GOD I live in a place where people hate that kind of shit. Thank GOD my wife is one of these people who looks at Valentine's Day and sees hallmark instead of love.

    At least that's what she tells me I should be thankful for. And I am. I truly am.

    On the other hand, as I tell her, I wouldn't have married her if I'd been expected to send two dozen red roses once a year. Because you get started on that shit, and then you have to eventually get into diamonds and pool boys and then the marriage goes downhill and all of your money is wrapped up in rocks.

    And it's good to keep your money liquid. In case you ever have to leave the country.

    In other news, a friend of mine from Chicago, his family has a big celebration on Valentine's Day. Every year.

    The Valentine's Day massacre, which for those of you in the know, was the day about seventy years ago when a few of Al Capone's gunmen gunned down a rival gang's gunmen and half the city thought they were thugs and the rest thought "fuck the Irish," and so now his family dresses up in Fedoras and double-breasted suits and gets sloshed on microbrew and bourbon.

    That is all.

  11. This is my favorite post of all time!


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