Friday, January 6, 2012

Barbie got herself knocked up? By a ken with no dick.

Not much shocks me. Except for this one time when I was waiting in the car park out the back of a bar after a gig. It was 3am & I was waiting for my ride home.

Anyway the car park was filling up with late night revellers as the bars were closing & drunk fucks were spilling out into the streets like spawning time at a salmon farm.

About 5 metres away from me I noticed a young dude & his 'pull' making out on a bench seat, while the 'pulls' hot blond half naked clingon was hanging on to the back of the seat in order to stop herself from face fucking the concrete due to extreme intoxication.

Next thing, & to my horror, peroxide blond slapper ho whips her anus floss panties down, gets into a squat position & proceeds to take a drunken dump. In public. In the middle of town. While her mate continued to suck face with the random guy from the bar, oblivious to the mud currently being laid not 30cm away from her.

Now I may talk about crapping a lot, & by now y'all basically know the inner workings of my shit pipes, but know this, I would NEVER take one in front of people. Not unless you count the old guy who busted into my bathroom mid ass wipe last week. That was an unplanned attack. And totally his fault.

Drunk spaceheads staggered past en masse without so much as glancing in her direction. While sober me was forced to watch her small white moonlit backside excreting onto a grassy patch out back of the bar.

I was dying. From disgust & shock. And I wanted to march on over & kick her up the bare naked slats for being a dirty whore & committing a heinous public shit crime. But taking into consideration what was coming out of her backend, I decided against the vigilante slat kicking.

I had nice shoes on. I didn't want some bitches fecal on them.

When I finally got picked up I regaled everything to Blake in detail. It was at this time we both decided that it would be good if I, A: could take my eyes right out of my skull & soak them in Janola & B: had Will Smiths memory eraser thingy from that movie I can't remember & completely delete that turd laying from my brains hard drive.

Moving right along, watching a girl take a poo in the middle of town wasn't what I intended on posting about today. Don't be a hater. I got carried away.

My in laws just got back from an extended holiday in South Africa. Hubs & I went around to visit them last night & give the kids their christmasbirthday presents. We got Miss 5 a kickass Princess Barbie Pony. Cos goddam Princess Barbie Horse was the BALLS. And she loves the ass off Barbie anything.

After the unveiling of the awesome Princess Barbie Horse, Miss 5 decided to introduce me to her knew toy, Pregnant Barbie.

2 questions.

How did I not know such thing existed?

And secondly. WHAT THE FUCK.

Pregnant Barbie has a rotating abdominal wall. She can be pregnant. Or not pregnant. With a quick slight of hand, it's like a friggin magic trick.

Lift her maternity tunic, pop the top off her belly like the lid of a Tic Tac packet, & HELLO horror movie Barbie baby is laying within her carcass in a position that can only be described as 'fight ready'. Fists & both feet at the ready to bust out some judo chops/fuck kicks to some innocent bystander.

After this I was introduced to the baby daddy Barbie. I had to double check & as expected, Ken had no dick. Just a mound. Now correct me if I am mistaken, but I was sure that mound on mound grinding could not result in a pregnancy?

Immaculate Conception Baby. Just like Jesus.

FYI - Mainly for bitches that like to start a bit of drama, this post is on no way a stab at/reflection of my sister in laws parenting skills. She is an amazing mum. Don't even go there.

Whats the most retarded childs toy you have ever seen? 

Peace, love & no public shitting,


P.S In hindsight I wish I had of kicked her up the jacksie. Then I could have got some new shoes. And Blake couldn't growl at me. Amen.


  1. Hhahahha. Why do so many poo related things happen to you1?!?!?!?

  2. @Gia Have you read The Secret. The law of attraction. Like attracts like? It's my destiny. Nuff said haha

  3. I've got to get one of those dolls. Do you reckon there's a fetish site for that?

  4. @Barfly I would bet a punch to the face of everyone I know (this includes my mum), that there is. Keep me informed.

  5. Oh the fucking humanity!! That shit is all kinds of wrong. And the baby is definitely coming out fight ready. That is a brawling Barbie baby. That shit is ridiculous on so many levels. Now little girls are gonna think girls can get preggers by a no genitalia'd man and they can just lift their belly off to remove the baby. What are we teaching the youth of the world?

  6. Bexstar,
    Check out my post today. You should enter the contest.

  7. Your posts delight me while at the same time disturb me! In a good-weird-makes-me-want-to-check-my-sanity sort of way.

    I now cannot stop thinking about an absolutely horrible mess of a movie, Pink Flamingos, that I was forced to watch with my ex-husband years ago. I'm also now deeply disturbed by Knocked-Up-Whore Barbie, and want the memory eraser from Men In Black as well.

    There is another equally disturbing child's toy out there somewhere - a babydoll little girls can "nurse".

    Holy fuckbuckets. I think I need a drink.

  8. ho-lee-shit.... I am adding this to the many, many reasons I do not want children and am even more sure I would not want a woman child. fuck dude, I need to gouge my eyes out with a pen now.

  9. seriously, Pooing in public. I mean seriously sweet cheeks go behind a bush or something. I would have called the po po on that mess.

    I have the pregnant barbie, still in the original box thought it would disappear in five minutes for it's inappropriateness and make me rich some day......well a girl can dream.

  10. Have you seen the youtube of the ol' guy kicking a squatting peeing girl in the ass in public? It's not really the same thing, since I think she was doing it for money. . . but it's the mental image I got when you described kicking her. . . it's SFW. . . lots of pixellation.

  11. I used to have a "Growing Up Skipper". You cranked her arm around like a spastic traffic cop and she got taller and sprouted titties. For an extra two-fiddy you could get Humbert Humbert Ken to fondle her hairless mound while her mother slept. ((shudder))

  12. It's amazing the number of shit stories you have. Do you think you're burning off some bad karma from a previous life? haha

    That is the nastiest thing I've ever heard. I've seen a girl pop a squat to take a pee before...but never a crap. That is REVOLTING.


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