Not much shocks me. Except for this one time when I was waiting in the car park out the back of a bar after a gig. It was 3am & I was waiting for my ride home.
Anyway the car park was filling up with late night revellers as the bars were closing & drunk fucks were spilling out into the streets like spawning time at a salmon farm.
About 5 metres away from me I noticed a young dude & his 'pull' making out on a bench seat, while the 'pulls' hot blond half naked clingon was hanging on to the back of the seat in order to stop herself from face fucking the concrete due to extreme intoxication.
Next thing, & to my horror, peroxide blond slapper ho whips her anus floss panties down, gets into a squat position & proceeds to take a drunken dump. In public. In the middle of town. While her mate continued to suck face with the random guy from the bar, oblivious to the mud currently being laid not 30cm away from her.
Now I may talk about crapping a lot, & by now y'all basically know the inner workings of my shit pipes, but know this, I would NEVER take one in front of people. Not unless you count the old guy who busted into my bathroom mid ass wipe last week. That was an unplanned attack. And totally his fault.
Drunk spaceheads staggered past en masse without so much as glancing in her direction. While sober me was forced to watch her small white moonlit backside excreting onto a grassy patch out back of the bar.
I was dying. From disgust & shock. And I wanted to march on over & kick her up the bare naked slats for being a dirty whore & committing a heinous public shit crime. But taking into consideration what was coming out of her backend, I decided against the vigilante slat kicking.
I had nice shoes on. I didn't want some bitches fecal on them.
When I finally got picked up I regaled everything to Blake in detail. It was at this time we both decided that it would be good if I, A: could take my eyes right out of my skull & soak them in Janola & B: had Will Smiths memory eraser thingy from that movie I can't remember & completely delete that turd laying from my brains hard drive.
Moving right along, watching a girl take a poo in the middle of town wasn't what I intended on posting about today. Don't be a hater. I got carried away.
My in laws just got back from an extended holiday in South Africa. Hubs & I went around to visit them last night & give the kids their christmasbirthday presents. We got Miss 5 a kickass Princess Barbie Pony. Cos goddam Princess Barbie Horse was the BALLS. And she loves the ass off Barbie anything.
After the unveiling of the awesome Princess Barbie Horse, Miss 5 decided to introduce me to her knew toy, Pregnant Barbie.
How did I not know such thing existed?
And secondly. WHAT THE FUCK.
Pregnant Barbie has a rotating abdominal wall. She can be pregnant. Or not pregnant. With a quick slight of hand, it's like a friggin magic trick.
Lift her maternity tunic, pop the top off her belly like the lid of a Tic Tac packet, & HELLO horror movie Barbie baby is laying within her carcass in a position that can only be described as 'fight ready'. Fists & both feet at the ready to bust out some judo chops/fuck kicks to some innocent bystander.
After this I was introduced to the baby daddy Barbie. I had to double check & as expected, Ken had no dick. Just a mound. Now correct me if I am mistaken, but I was sure that mound on mound grinding could not result in a pregnancy?
Immaculate Conception Baby. Just like Jesus.
FYI - Mainly for bitches that like to start a bit of drama, this post is on no way a stab at/reflection of my sister in laws parenting skills. She is an amazing mum. Don't even go there.
Whats the most retarded childs toy you have ever seen?
Peace, love & no public shitting,
P.S In hindsight I wish I had of kicked her up the jacksie. Then I could have got some new shoes. And Blake couldn't growl at me. Amen.