Saturday, January 14, 2012

Hatin' on: Huggers

If you try & hug me, & I don't know you well or you're not a member of my family, my body will go all stranger danger on your ass & more than likely attempt to stab you through your heart with a rusty bicycle spoke.

Some people are just natural huggers. I am not one of these people.

I have a 1 metre wide circumference 'safe zone' surrounding my body. If you trespass the boundary lines into my circle of trust, my inner alarm starts screaming & my imagination shocks you repeatedly with 1000V electrical death currents. And then you spontaneously combust into flames of shame.

I have a small & elite list of bitches who have permission to come into my personal trust space.

This does not include;
  • Reptiles, birds (especially seagulls), cats & small biting insects.
  • Texas Chainsaw massacre type psycho killers. 
  • Smelly people. 
  • Yappy prick dogs
  • Hobos
  • Anyone with dog shit on the bottom of their shoe
  • People who constantly spit up throat bogies
  • Drummers (because I will try & have sex with them)
  • Ballroom dancers 
  • Drunk people
  • People with hand herpes, head lice or pink eye
  • Anyone who wants to touch me with their feet

Sometimes my own husband hugs me & I stand with rigor mortis-like rigidity with my arms by my sides willing my body to love him back. He hugs me all the goddam time. While there is an insurmountable heap of love inside me for this man, I don't feel the need to engage him in a 24/7 hugfest whenever he saunters past. He knows how I feel about it but continues to hug the snot out of me at every opportunity because, he claims, he can.


I am happy & confident & I certainly don't have affection issues, but I don't hug no bitches willy nilly just because it's a nice thing to do (unless you give me presents). One can only assume that because I resemble a human shaped bean bag, I welcome hugs whenever, wherever.

I have this thing I do. It happens on it's own & I have no control over it. It's called 'exuding warmth'. I am friendly, approachable & when I smile, my eyes smile too. Everything about me screams 'Hug me & I'll muthafucking love it'. No so.

My friends husband hugs me every time we see them. Which is not often hence the joy & elation he must feel at seeing me again. But there is strictly no chest on chest contact. He keeps small distance between our chests then leans in, wraps his arms around my upper arms, & back pats me. BACK PATS ME.

While I pretend that I'm all up in this hugfuckery back patting business, the secret is, on the inside, I'm grinding my teeth down to a cocaine consistency. Don't pat my back bitch. I won't burp for you.

Being a musician (currently on sabbatical), drunk people want to hug me, touch me, throw $20 notes at me like I'm a naked exotic pole dancer & generally get up in my business.

One time in particular post gig at a pub in Nelsons version of the ghetto, a large drunk man approached me in a manner that can only be compared to that of an large angry bull at a Spanish conquistador bull fight. While I was wrestling to dismantle a microphone stand, he unknowingly approached me from behind, wrapped his arms around me, & hugged me with such ferocity as he attempted to rearrange my entire rib cage.

I collapsed to the floor in a heap gripping my abdomen like it had just been gangbashed with a mallet. A deep guttural growl escaped from my throat as I sprung forth like a rabid spider monkey to tear his face right off his skull with my calloused guitar fingers. He had scarpered by that stage. Lucky for him.

If there was any hug left in me at all, it was scared out of me that night by that ratarsed human crusher.


When I was younger, I used to sing for special needs people at their Christmas functions. And while they thoroughly enjoyed my renditions of Jingle Bells, The Little Drummer Boy & Silent Night, they spent majority of my one hour set eyeing me up for a sloppy goon hug or attempting to stroke my beautiful hair like the tail of a prized stallion.

These happy bastards would hug anyone like it's a competition. I will not hug a fully grown man that wears a bib & chews on his forearm all day. The smell of dried saliva makes me gag. Nor will I hug the other guy who spends his days masturbating into his housemates socks & running around the front yard with his pants on the ground.

As you can imagine, every year when I was forced to do this by my mum (she worked in the community homes taking care of the special people), I would welcome this fun time with the same amount of enthusiasm as one would have if they were getting their anus tattooed.

The law says you can't stab/judo chop/knee cap or running fuck kick any person who is not capable of writing their own name. This includes baby's. I just had to suck it up & hug them back like I meant it. Truth is, I kinda dug rockin' out to those goofy buggers. As long as they stayed the hell out of my circle of trust.

If you ever find yourself having to greet me, & I'm wearing a shit eating grin/smiley eyes, & you can't see any potential hazardous weapons either in my hand or within my reach, it's fair to say that you've unknowingly been granted Becky hug access. Get amongst it.

But for the love of fuck (& your own health & well being) DO NOT back pat me.

You likey the hug?

Peace, love & ra ra pa pa pum,







P.S I'm back on the League of Funny Bitches Allstars list hookers! Along with 14 other tres awesome & well deserved fellow shit cracking bloggers. Heartfelt thank yous to everyone that voted for this small town kiwi lass. I appreciate the love x

P.P.S I should also probably tell you now that if we ever meet in real life I will more than likely hug the snot out of you. I really like you guys. Especially if you were wearing a paper moustache.

24 comments:

  1. I hate hugging. I can't even stand it when my offspring try to hug on me. You know those Mom's you see hugging their child in the park, or on the bench at the mall? Never. Get the fuck away from me. I endure it for 3 seconds tops, and that's only from my kids. Anymore than that and I begin to fill with a rage usually only reserved for people who stop at yellow lights.

    Ugh... Getting creeped out right now just thinking about it and I'm the only one here.

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    1. Bitch, you is funny. I will only hug kids with no turd burgers stinking up a frenzy in their undergarments, no cradle cap (because that scares the shit out of me) & definitely no green snot trail hanging from either nostril. Ick. Oh & they must have clean faces & hands.

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  2. Mrs Social AssassinJanuary 14, 2012 at 10:46 AM

    You know i'm going to hug you one day, don't you?! (But I promise no back patting!) I love hugging! (But only people I like - I don't do special people either....)And I love reptiles too, especially mine and Mr SA's 2 bearded dragons - what did reptiles do to get on the dislike list?!

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    1. I have a bitchin mightyhug of all hugs reserved for yours truely & your wife. And reptiles....well I just don't like snakes. Especially ones that wrap themselves around you like a slinky & strangle the life out of you.

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    2. Meant to say you & your husband. Haven't had breakfast yet. Brain not firing x

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  3. I don't like hugging, but I've made my peace with it because my wife's family and family friends hug AND kiss. . . and i HATE kissing all those fuckers. So I hugged and then turned my face away to avoid the sloppy lip plant and eventually everyone got it.

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    1. I'm so awkward at that cheek kissing shit. I have accidentally lip smooshed so many people I really don't like. Now I head for the opposing cheek & pray to Jesus for no face smashing or awkward head bopping dance off with my hugging counterpart. I'd kiss your cheek. Hot Jim. Reow.

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  4. One of my short people is a hugger to the point of being Copernicus-monkey-strangle-evil. I love the shit out of him so I take one for the team when necessary but to be honest, I am wicked glad his twin brother has autism, because for him? Hugging? Oh HELL to the no! He'll high-5 you and fist-bump you 'til his knucks' bleed but if you get up in his grill he will go all Rainman and totally lose his shit. A child after my own heart.

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    1. I went through a period of high fiving everyone in order to deter them from gettin in my bizness with the hugs. Until one day when initiating a high 5 with a girl called Megan who worked with my husband. She acted like I had just exposed my vulva to her & told me matteroffactly 'I don't high 5'. I was left hanging. And ashamed. I haven't high fived anyone since. She shamed the high 5 out of me. Up until that moment I really though I was cool. Fuck her.

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  5. I'm a hugger, unless you are seriously dirty, sweaty, ugly or smelly.... or unless I am PMSing, then you risk losing a limb if you touch me at all. Especially if you touch my feet with your feet. I will lose my shit faster than a geriatric bastard with the stomach flu.

    The smell of dried saliva line really had me going. I laughed so hard I drooled a little, and instead of wiping it off I am going to just let it air dry and wait for my husband to get home. (He won't notice, he is always too busy looking at my ass.)

    Congrats on making the All-Star list. You know I voted for you.

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    1. I voted for you too girl. My love for you knows no bounds Johi. Congrats darlin'. You totally deserve to be there.

      True story about the saliva though. Yuck! Did you know to do a stink breath test, you lick the inside of your wrist & let the saliva dry. If it smells like you've been eating poo or a dead hampster, you need some breath mints. I know stuff.

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  6. Why do people hug. Like you, I hate hugging. Even family. However,if she's hot and if I can obtain a quick nip-to-nip contact or a fuzzy bump, I'm all in.

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    1. I'm all for nip to nip contact yo! But what is this fuzzy bump your speak of sir? Please I would like detailed instructions on how one bumps fuzz.

      I am short. So I tend to face plant people's chest. Motorboating flat chested folk is pretty impossible & makes my cheeks hurt.

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  7. OH MY GOODNESS I AM THE SAME WAY!!! Don't hug me. Seriously. Unless you're my mom or Boyfriend. I like hugging Boyfriend a lot.

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    1. Do Ducky & Lion like to hug too? I'd like to hear their thoughts on that. I'm pretty sure lion would be all up in that shit. Unless hes eating. But Ducky not so. He has too much tood.

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  8. Im really happy to know that now my son can write his name I can punish him in all sorts of new fun ways! Thanks for letting me in on the law I never knew it existed so super excited about that!

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    1. Yeah Em I actually made that law up all by myself. I wouldn't think twice about a swift fuck kick while no-ones watching to an annoying grown up, but definitely not a gootch dropping. They have sharp teeth & cry easily.

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  9. Sending you a hug anyway (because you're badass)

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    1. I would hoe-hug you like a boss. Cos you know your my twitter pimp right? You get exclusive rights.

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  10. Honestly, I've only been away for a couple of weeks and you've forgotten what sex I am!! I had planned to initiate a discreet hug on meeting you - less an invasion of your personal space, more a stealth operation behind hugging lines. But since you just called me a girl, I'm going for one of those unique girl-girl hugs where the intensity and time make it look as though you're attempting to become conjoined twins. That said you say you're quite short - how short? Because I'm six foot eight, and I don't want a hug looking like I'm trying to do something unspeakable to you! Or put your eye out with my nipple.....

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    1. I would welcome many hugs from you & Em any dam time. Except I am 5'3 so I would indeed be having a face off with your nips. However, I'm always down for a good chest hug. Or we could slow dance? Like at the prom. I've always wanted to slow dance with a very tall mans chest.

      P.S Sorry for the gender confusion. I was mad/sad you've been MIA. Bitch.

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  11. Once upon a time I met a guy at a wine show who wanted to go for coffee. I figured I'd go and break my golden rule of 'Sober Me doesn't associate with Drunk Me's new friends'. Mistake. I told him it would have to be a short date since I had a big project to work on that night and he told me, and I quote, "Oh that's ok, you can just repay me in hugs". He wanted me to REPAY HIM IN HUGS! That led to a super awkward conversation regarding my strict No Touchie Policy and an eventual brush off and a "Thanks for playing, Super-Creep". I'm back to strictly following my golden rule. So I'm right there with ya on the hugs sista....

    oh, and I may have directly told him that if he tried to hug me, I might involuntarily ninja kick him in the face...

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    1. I am a huge fan of a well timed ninja kick in order to deter any oncoming unwanted hugfuckers.

      Man that guy sounds like a massive douche. I'm glad you rejected him. Any potential humpee that requests a hug needs an auto smash. That ain't manly yo!!

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  12. I have been trying to comment on this post for days. DAYS!! Anyway . . .

    I am not a hugger. AT ALL. My friends and I have an ongoing joke about if they want to hug me, they have to warn me they are "coming in for a hug," lest they get shanked. Of course, this means I would go and marry the most demonstrative Irish Catholic son of a bitch in the world, who is just like your hubs with all the hugging. I react as you do. He also has a huge family and it is mandatory to hug and kiss every single one of them at all family events upon arriving and then lather rinse repeat before we leave. I hardly have any time to get my drink on with all the damn hugging and kissing. Blech!

    Then again, were we ever to meet, I would hug the shit out of you so hard (and a few other blogging bitches, especially you All-Stars!), so you have been forewarned!

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