My great love story & why my hooker is leaving me unsupervised for 2 whole weeks.

Right so some major shit has happened in the last few days. Apart from me having 4 solid poos in one day (y'all would think I'd have nothing left after last Thursdays explosions. Seems not), Blake's Nana in South Africa died. Both situations equally sad & confusing.

On Sunday we also had my family Xmas. Yeah I know a whole month early but next week my Ma & step Pa are buggering off to Wales/Scotland for 2 months & my sister & her family are heading away to their holiday home so we be on our own for Xmas this year. And this Saturday my step-bro is getting hitched so him & his nearly wife are here from Perth for their wedding. So we had Xmas on Sunday. Early.

I feel like I just wrote a round about circle poem. Doth such poem exist? Well it fucking does now.

Anyway I got some pretty rad loot. As usual. My mum is an epic gift buyer. We had a BBQ. I love my NZ Christmas. I spent one Xmas in Scotland in -13 degree snowing bullshit weather & I nearly died. However I had the BEST time & I drunk a fuck tonne of alcohol. Which is possibly what stopped me from dying of the bitch fuck cold.

Last year when Blake & I went on our honeymoon to South Africa, I got the chance to meet his dear sweet Nana. We stayed with her in Durban for a few days in her little flat. During that time her & I talked a lot about life stuff, & I loved hearing her stories about growing up on the family farm, teaching Geography & her deep unconditional love for her family. We bonded & I feel grateful that I got that special time with her.

You can't beat an African sunset.

 I took this photo of a chipper on his treadly when we were daring the

pot holed to buggery back roads between Johannesburg & Dundee. Simple life.

I got upset when we had to say goodbye to her. I don't have any living Grandparents anymore & I get attached to old people quickly. I was deeply sad for my husband because I know what its like to say goodbye to your Grandparents not knowing if you will ever see them again. She stood on her porch & waved us farewell until we had disappeared out of sight.

My mother in law Bridget, or Bibs as I fondly call her, is one of the most gorgeous people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Not many people can say that about their mother in-laws without it being a bare assed lie. But I love the shit out of this woman. Her & I are tres close. We have been ever since Blake & I became friends all those years ago. She travels to SA once a year to see her family & spend time with her mum. And she only arrived back in to NZ on Monday last week after spending a month in Durban with her mum.

Blake & I had dinner with her on Saturday night & listened to her speak with tears in her eyes of her heavy heart at leaving her mum behind again. The next morning she gets a phone call from her beloved homeland with the sad news that Granny had passed away. 85 years on the earth & what an amazing life she had.

As you would expect, my Bibs is devastated. Her father passed away 3 years ago around the same time. Now she has to go home & bury her mother.

I can't comprehend what it feels like to lose a parent. I have lost a step parent, & I still grieve for him now. Sadly the circle of life doesn't allow for one person to live forever. I wish we could, but our time on earth is borrowed. Blake's Granny had a good innings. It still doesn't make it any less sad.

So on Friday, my hubs, his siblings & Bibs are flying out to South Africa for 2 weeks to bury their Gran. They have to pack up all her belongings, attend her funeral & scatter her ashes. It's not a holiday. But the one ray of sunshine in all this is that they will get to be together. The whole family. The first time in a very long time.

I am staying home on my own for 2 weeks. And I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself.

You know how people say they married their best friend? People who stay stuff like that are normally the kind of people I mentally punch in the face. Shit like that is so smarm it makes me yak in my mouth. Ironically, I find myself saying this very same thing. All. The. Time. Mainly because I did in fact, marry my best friend.

Like curious dogs when they first meet, Blake & I spent 3 years sniffing each others anuses. We travelled together, spent all our free time together, & never once did I ever look at him as anything more than a just a friend. For reals.

He was my best mate.

He was the one who would make sure I'd get home at the end of the night on the razz when I couldn't walk because I was too ratarsed & lost my shoes.

He was the one who would pick me up at 6am in the morning because I fell down some stairs & broke my foot. Sober. Then he lent me his PSP, bought me a Sims game (the only game I know how to play) & chocolates while I was holed up with a busted foot for a few weeks.

He was the one that would send me $100 when I was a broke ass uni student living in Auckland because I couldn't afford to buy any food.

He was the one that would laugh loudly & snort beer out his nose when I text him & told him I'd blocked a toilet at Heathrow Airport on my way back from Scotland.

He was the one who would quietly weep every time he had to drop me back at the airport after I'd been home for holidays.

He loved me & I never knew.

Until one night when I was home from Uni for summer holidays, we got drunk & he threw a glass fruit bowl at my head (accidentally he says) then told me he was in love with me. First I laughed & spewed forth a plethora of nasty swear words. I was nervous that he was actually straight up cray cray & was going to cut a bitch up with the broken fruit bowl glass. Then we talked. For hours. I kept saying over & over that I never thought of him in a romantic way & I didn't know if I could be with him 'like that' because I just didn't see myself jumping his bones. It'd be like having relations with my brother.

Then he did something that to this day is stuck in the front of my memory. He brushed my hair out of my eyes & told me that I was his 'one'. This muthafucka was getting all Don Juan on my ass but dam it felt so weird good.

Once I let myself, I fell the fuck in love with him. Hard.

Fast foward 4 years down the track & we've nearly been married for 2 years. We've suffered some tragedys together (specifically a nasty miscarriage which was a HUGE test of our love for each other). And when I'm apart from him, I don't feel like me. Which brings me to the purpose of this post today.

Firstly, I am a very lucky bitch.

Secondly, I'm going to miss him like a scrotless cat at a pussy party. I know it's only 2 weeks, cry me a fucking river.

But I lose my shit when he isn't around to stroke me nicely. I'm a firey whore. He's about as laid back as you can get without constantly lying down & he has this way of soothing my angry inner beast.

So baby if you are reading this, & upon your return discover that I've been arrested for arson & shanking a few bitches, it's totally your fault. I shouldn't be left unattended. Be safe & come back to me in one piece please. I will lend you my elite judo chopping skills just in case some drugged up gangsta trys to mug you or cap you for your ipod & shoes.

And please stay away from the rabies monkeys. My immune system is still recovering from the ass raping firey lava bum/projectile honk bug I got last week. Enjoy the time with your family & please hug the snot out of them all for me.

It's going to be a long 2 weeks.

Me & my puss bags up Table Mountain, Cape Town.

Have any of you got a great love story? How did you meet the love of your life?

So as today is the first of December in my part of the world, it means it's time to announce the winner of Novembers Winner Wednesday prize. 

Pappatigga, my very funny gangsta brotha, please flick me an email to bexstard@yahoo.co.nz with your address & I'll get poos & wees out to you.

Thanks to everyone who commented. Seriously the comments sometimes have me pissing my undergarments. Yous fullas a hilarious yo! And welcome to the new readers. I'm a good time. You will not be disappointed.


Peace & sloppy clumsy love,

P.S Rest in peace Granny x