Thursday, December 1, 2011

My great love story & why my hooker is leaving me unsupervised for 2 whole weeks.

Right so some major shit has happened in the last few days. Apart from me having 4 solid poos in one day (y'all would think I'd have nothing left after last Thursdays explosions. Seems not), Blake's Nana in South Africa died. Both situations equally sad & confusing.

On Sunday we also had my family Xmas. Yeah I know a whole month early but next week my Ma & step Pa are buggering off to Wales/Scotland for 2 months & my sister & her family are heading away to their holiday home so we be on our own for Xmas this year. And this Saturday my step-bro is getting hitched so him & his nearly wife are here from Perth for their wedding. So we had Xmas on Sunday. Early.

I feel like I just wrote a round about circle poem. Doth such poem exist? Well it fucking does now.

Anyway I got some pretty rad loot. As usual. My mum is an epic gift buyer. We had a BBQ. I love my NZ Christmas. I spent one Xmas in Scotland in -13 degree snowing bullshit weather & I nearly died. However I had the BEST time & I drunk a fuck tonne of alcohol. Which is possibly what stopped me from dying of the bitch fuck cold.

Last year when Blake & I went on our honeymoon to South Africa, I got the chance to meet his dear sweet Nana. We stayed with her in Durban for a few days in her little flat. During that time her & I talked a lot about life stuff, & I loved hearing her stories about growing up on the family farm, teaching Geography & her deep unconditional love for her family. We bonded & I feel grateful that I got that special time with her.

You can't beat an African sunset.

 I took this photo of a chipper on his treadly when we were daring the
pot holed to buggery back roads between Johannesburg & Dundee. Simple life.

I got upset when we had to say goodbye to her. I don't have any living Grandparents anymore & I get attached to old people quickly. I was deeply sad for my husband because I know what its like to say goodbye to your Grandparents not knowing if you will ever see them again. She stood on her porch & waved us farewell until we had disappeared out of sight.

My mother in law Bridget, or Bibs as I fondly call her, is one of the most gorgeous people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Not many people can say that about their mother in-laws without it being a bare assed lie. But I love the shit out of this woman. Her & I are tres close. We have been ever since Blake & I became friends all those years ago. She travels to SA once a year to see her family & spend time with her mum. And she only arrived back in to NZ on Monday last week after spending a month in Durban with her mum.

Blake & I had dinner with her on Saturday night & listened to her speak with tears in her eyes of her heavy heart at leaving her mum behind again. The next morning she gets a phone call from her beloved homeland with the sad news that Granny had passed away. 85 years on the earth & what an amazing life she had.

As you would expect, my Bibs is devastated. Her father passed away 3 years ago around the same time. Now she has to go home & bury her mother.

I can't comprehend what it feels like to lose a parent. I have lost a step parent, & I still grieve for him now. Sadly the circle of life doesn't allow for one person to live forever. I wish we could, but our time on earth is borrowed. Blake's Granny had a good innings. It still doesn't make it any less sad.

So on Friday, my hubs, his siblings & Bibs are flying out to South Africa for 2 weeks to bury their Gran. They have to pack up all her belongings, attend her funeral & scatter her ashes. It's not a holiday. But the one ray of sunshine in all this is that they will get to be together. The whole family. The first time in a very long time.

I am staying home on my own for 2 weeks. And I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself.

You know how people say they married their best friend? People who stay stuff like that are normally the kind of people I mentally punch in the face. Shit like that is so smarm it makes me yak in my mouth. Ironically, I find myself saying this very same thing. All. The. Time. Mainly because I did in fact, marry my best friend.

Like curious dogs when they first meet, Blake & I spent 3 years sniffing each others anuses. We travelled together, spent all our free time together, & never once did I ever look at him as anything more than a just a friend. For reals.

He was my best mate.

He was the one who would make sure I'd get home at the end of the night on the razz when I couldn't walk because I was too ratarsed & lost my shoes.

He was the one who would pick me up at 6am in the morning because I fell down some stairs & broke my foot. Sober. Then he lent me his PSP, bought me a Sims game (the only game I know how to play) & chocolates while I was holed up with a busted foot for a few weeks.

He was the one that would send me $100 when I was a broke ass uni student living in Auckland because I couldn't afford to buy any food.

He was the one that would laugh loudly & snort beer out his nose when I text him & told him I'd blocked a toilet at Heathrow Airport on my way back from Scotland.

He was the one who would quietly weep every time he had to drop me back at the airport after I'd been home for holidays.

He loved me & I never knew.

Until one night when I was home from Uni for summer holidays, we got drunk & he threw a glass fruit bowl at my head (accidentally he says) then told me he was in love with me. First I laughed & spewed forth a plethora of nasty swear words. I was nervous that he was actually straight up cray cray & was going to cut a bitch up with the broken fruit bowl glass. Then we talked. For hours. I kept saying over & over that I never thought of him in a romantic way & I didn't know if I could be with him 'like that' because I just didn't see myself jumping his bones. It'd be like having relations with my brother.

Then he did something that to this day is stuck in the front of my memory. He brushed my hair out of my eyes & told me that I was his 'one'. This muthafucka was getting all Don Juan on my ass but dam it felt so weird good.

Once I let myself, I fell the fuck in love with him. Hard.

Fast foward 4 years down the track & we've nearly been married for 2 years. We've suffered some tragedys together (specifically a nasty miscarriage which was a HUGE test of our love for each other). And when I'm apart from him, I don't feel like me. Which brings me to the purpose of this post today.

Firstly, I am a very lucky bitch.

Secondly, I'm going to miss him like a scrotless cat at a pussy party. I know it's only 2 weeks, cry me a fucking river.

But I lose my shit when he isn't around to stroke me nicely. I'm a firey whore. He's about as laid back as you can get without constantly lying down & he has this way of soothing my angry inner beast.

So baby if you are reading this, & upon your return discover that I've been arrested for arson & shanking a few bitches, it's totally your fault. I shouldn't be left unattended. Be safe & come back to me in one piece please. I will lend you my elite judo chopping skills just in case some drugged up gangsta trys to mug you or cap you for your ipod & shoes.

And please stay away from the rabies monkeys. My immune system is still recovering from the ass raping firey lava bum/projectile honk bug I got last week. Enjoy the time with your family & please hug the snot out of them all for me.

It's going to be a long 2 weeks.

Me & my puss bags up Table Mountain, Cape Town.


Have any of you got a great love story? How did you meet the love of your life?

So as today is the first of December in my part of the world, it means it's time to announce the winner of Novembers Winner Wednesday prize. 



Pappatigga, my very funny gangsta brotha, please flick me an email to bexstard@yahoo.co.nz with your address & I'll get poos & wees out to you.

Thanks to everyone who commented. Seriously the comments sometimes have me pissing my undergarments. Yous fullas a hilarious yo! And welcome to the new readers. I'm a good time. You will not be disappointed.


Peace & sloppy clumsy love,







P.S Rest in peace Granny x

25 comments:

  1. I am really sorry to hear about Blakes nan :( Please send him all my best.
    But if he does need somebody to look after you, I will! With wine, cocktails and dip! Just give me a txt!
    Miriam

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  2. OK, two things.
    One: Re the previously mentioned possibility that you and I are seperated at birth, my father is currently away from home in Wales. Are we completely sure that we're not related?

    Two: This blog made me cry. Bitch. Big fat unashamed blubbing three-year-old-with-a-skinned-knee man tears. Partly because I was sad about Blake's nan (and Blake if you read this I send you best wishes man - it's hard, I feel for you)and partly because that was one hell of a lovely way to tell your man you love him. I was lucky enough to marry an amazing woman too, and your words made me want to go and hug her right away. Unfortunately she's sleeping, and if I disturb her she'll probably cut me. So well done you for showing a wonderfully tender side beneath the vast tsunami of filth and bowel movements. Sending you both an enormous Assassin-sized hug. But if you make me cry in blog-public again I'll slap you. x

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  3. First condolences on Blake's Nan passing.loved this post - topuched me for more than one reason. My in Englan Nan is 92 and in England - we live in Canada. She's very bad right now so wish I was there right now. Second it was kinda like you and Blake with me and my husband. Except things are ass right now after being married for 16 years. Love you blog and thanks for sharing x

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  4. Bloody crappy on all accounts but just think about the happy return catching up session:)

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  5. I remember that fruit bowl night!! :) I wish I was in Nelly now so I could come keep you company my best minga love K xxx

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  6. So... I am a crazy Western father fucker in love with your ludicrous poo writings. And the point of this is next week is my 7 year with my man. Now our meeting is sordid and raunchy but our love is die hard. For reals!
    I just wanted to say I totally get it all. When he goes back to the Mountains of Retardville to be with his family I shit myself with fear of aloneness.
    He is utterly my bestest best and trust me when I say, in the world of rainbow infatuated homosexuals, 7 years is 5 millenia. Keep it up. And if you EVER find your self on the Dick of America (read: Florida) Look my faggoty ass up and I will show you some good hilarious times.

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  7. That's a GREAT How-We-Got-Together story. (and also, awesome photos)

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  8. You have the best love story! That's what its all about. You have to marry your best friend. I'm sorry about the loss of his grandmother too. Hang in there, he will be back sooner than you think.

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  9. I am so sorry for your loss, for all of you. May you find some peace and comfort in her life well-lived and well-loved.

    What a fantastic love story you have going on. I'm so glad for you both. May the two weeks pass as quickly as possible and end with you not being in jail.

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  10. So so sorry about Blake's Nana. I lost my Uncle two weeks ago and am just now starting to feel "normal" again. Whatever that means.

    You know how you said that you were a fiery whore and your man has a way calming your inner beast? Yeah. I get you. It sounds like Brock and Blake are very similar men. And when I say similar, I mean THE GOOD ONES. Plus, they are clearly lucky to get awesome fiery whores like us.

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  11. @Anonymous Cheers lady! Will indeed pass that on to him. You better come visit me. I'm keen for a caipirnah or 10 x

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  12. @socialassassin Dude I love yo ass. Serious. But not in anyway that your wife can construe as humpy love. Who knew underneath all the angry feces there's a sensitive soul lurking. x

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  13. @Claire You Nan rules for making it to 92! But yeah I feel ya sadness at being so far away from her. It sucks the big veiny scrotum. Thanks for reading Claire & for your gushy love x

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  14. @emmarose82 Oh he is going to get it when he comes home. And he better bring me presents. He has departed with strict instructions to buy me some things.

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  15. @Anonymous Best night ever! Glad you were there to witness it xx

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  16. @gayisevolution I just have to say, I am exetremely humble to have you join my posse. Cos I love me some gay man. I read your comment while standing in the cue at a local home depot store & laughed loudly.

    I hope one day your best man realises how muthafucking kickass you are & leaves Retardville for good. Oh & bet your homo ass I'm looking you up if I ever come to the 'dick of America'. Stay classy ho x

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  17. @Pam the Realtor Thank you! And I bloody hope so. I am an emotional eater when he's away from me. I've got my personal trainer on speed dial.

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  18. @Jo I once spent a few hours in lock up at the local police station when I was younger. An old crazy lady tried to touch my hair. I don't want to go back there again. Thanks for reading Jo!

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  19. @JohiOh my Johi, I am so very sorry. I read your post today & you got me tearing up like a real sissy bitch. There's no words in times like that. Sending big mad loves from sunny NZ.

    Indeed it sounds like we nailed ourselves a couple of good bastards. We are such lucky bitches.

    Live hard & with passion my girl. It's one of the greatest tributes you can give to someone you love that is no longer with us xx

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  20. awww... so sorry about his gramma... it's hard. I lost mine last year.

    what you should do for 2 weeks... lots and LOTS of total trash tv.

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  21. I'm sorry about Blake's grandma, my condolences to him and his family :( My grandma is almost 90 and has alzheimers. It kind of kills that everytime I see her, i'm not sure if she knows who I am and she's so old. Your post made me very sad but happy at the wonderful love story. You're awesome! It's like you have an armour made of toilet leavings hiding the soft gooey caramel centre inside. <3

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  22. All that I seem to hear about lately is someone's loved one passing or having some medical issues. Johi's uncle, my mother in law, Blake's nana . . . and now my mom is in the hospital. Sadness abounds. So sorry about Blake's Nana. At least she lived a long life with lots of love in it. Sounds like he has a great family, and I'm sure she felt their love, even from afar.

    The house seems so empty when the hubs is away. He travels for biz every week, and it is just not the same without him there. The big bed is very empty as well. Try to stay super busy, dinner with friends, movies, whatever, and it will make the time go by faster. You will still miss him something dreadful though, I'm sure. At least you have all of us crazy mofos to keep you company! :) Just try not to go burning shit down or shanking anyone while he's gone. You want him to spend money on pretty things in SA, not bail money.

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  23. Ugh. Losing loved ones is the worst. My father and I were talk on phone three plus times a day close and he died in January and is on my mantle now and I am still blocking it out so that I don't have to think about it. Rest in Peace, nana.
    Blake sounds all sortsa awesome. I totally need one of those. I wonder if I'm too old now and shit? sigh. Well, I don't have a love story to share because with two failed marriages under my belt and the last one to a three time violent convicted felon in the closet heroin junkie with antisocial personality disorder (but gorgeous, charming and hot in bed) I WAS in love but the end of the story outweighs the beginning.

    Well try not to shank a bitch but if you do, being that I spent three years of my life traveling twice a month to pretty much every prison in upstate New York to spend hours in the visiting rooms getting all "deep" and shit with my last hub, I have a few pointers <--pun intended....for the homemade shank: the most lethal sounding one that he described was the one made of straight razors and a bristleless tooth brush: you take two blades and melt them into the toothbrush with a lighter, side by side. Leave a little space between them because the whole point of two blades instead of one is that one blade swiped across the face leaves a nice clean cut that heals fairly well with a little super glue. TWO of these cuts in close proximity to one another causes one of those really gnarly fat puffy scars. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH: all the knowledge I have gained.
    Anyway, sorry to have turned your comments section into something vile and immoral.

    I bet nana is looking down smiling that her whole fam is together. :)

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  24. Awww, RIP to Blake's nana.

    I would have a major case of the sads if my man left me for two weeks as well.

    Here's hoping that you get into some trouble so you can forget your loneliness. :)

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