Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me. Or just barge right in. While I'm taking a shit. I don't mind.

Wednesday 28th 2011, 8:17am, I was sitting on the toilet busting one out. I had a sore stomach. This may have something to do with the shit tonne of chocolate goodness & other junk I rammed down my gullet during 4 days prior. My colon was punishing me for being a greedy asshole. Fair play.

Anyway as I was carefully wiping the remnants from my backend I heard our front door open. Assuming it was Blake heading off to work I thought nothing more of it until the bathroom door opened right on up & I was greeted by the face of a random old stranger. A lost motel guest.

It was at this very moment that I stretched my pyjama top right down over my knees in order to hide my naked bottom half currently on display to this curious & clearly disorientated old geezer. I got a fright. Kinda like being caught masturbating but not really like it at all because I don't do that.

I yelled at him to get out (not the exact words I used). He slams the bathroom door shut & retreats out the door yelling "but the door was unlocked?!".

What the fuck man!! Just because my front door is unlocked does in no way mean hello, please come in to my house & watch me wipe my arse.

This happens a lot. Not the strangers coming into my bathroom part, but the people opening our apartment door part. They get confused. Many of them can't speak or read a word of English & there is a stairwell right beside our apartment that leads guests upstairs to other motel units. One can only assume that when having the stairwell access pointed out to them by the helpful motel receptionist, they get confused.

But now I'm confused, because this particular guest had already been staying with us for the night prior, in a room UPSTAIRS. Nowhere near our apartment. Obviously he knows where his room is? Or not it seems.

I was piss mad & I felt a little invaded. Blake won't even come into the bathroom when I'm mudding. It's a scary time. And I appreciate his fear. It's a mass running fuck attack on the senses. I wouldn't purposely share that part of myself with anyone.

Nothing says welcome to Nelson like being blasted by the stink of a locals freshly laid turd burger. Or the being blinded by the chubby white thigh skin of an angry 30 something year old woman. I hope he has a nice holiday & the terrifying experience is forever ingrained in his memory.

Lucky for him I am now a graceful wiper. And he wasn't met by me doing the downward dog yoga position on top of the toilet attempting to get my short carny arms to reach around past my copious ass cheeks in order to hit the required spot as in previous uber fat years. Bum wiping with an extra 50kg of fat arse is a god dam work out yo. Thankfully this is no longer an issue for me.

I am loving the holidays. I am back at work today for 2 days then I get another 5 days off. I'm leaving Blake at home to look after the motel & I'm heading down to my sisters Bach (holiday home) for New Years eve. I am going to get drunk, lay in the sun & RELAX. First new years off in a few years.

Looking ahead to the new year, these are the things I wish for the me & the universe.

I would like to learn to grow my own veges. Or keep a plant of any kind alive for more than a week.

I would like to keep motivated enough to go to the gym 3-4 times week. Currently I suck balls at that. Mike someone is on holiday. I already have scheduled PT sessions with him in the new year & I know for a fact he is going to work this bitch.

I would like to dedicate more time & make more of an effort to spend time with my family & friends. I also suck at this. I always let the busy take over. Nothing in life is more important than family & friends.

I would like to keep making you whores laugh with my random stories of Becky life fails/toilet adventures & general whatthefuckery. I like to think I have tainted you all somewhat with my filth.

I will endeavour to support my husband 100% with his new study venture as he begins his degree in Naturapathy aka Hippy Medicine Practice. However I will draw the line if he ceases to wash his crotchal region in order to keep his man seed 'pure'or any attempts to smack the bad out of me with supple pine tree branches. I'm not sure that Naturopaths even practice this but I'm just saying.

I will also try to keep my front door locked at all times as to deter old men from witnessing my sacred art of ass wiping. That's private time stuff y'all!!

 True dat Oscar!!

Happy New Years bitches! I hope you greet 2012 with an open heart & mind. And vagina if you happen to get lucky. Be safe wherever you are xx

Have you ever been busted in on while doing something private on the toilet?

Peace, love & please use protection

P.S I will draw the giveaway for the knuckleduster coffee mugs when I get back on the 3rd. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about I suggest you read this whole post here.
P.P.S I have it on good authority that accidental old perv man was very embarassed. So I forgive him. I love where I live so we'll move on from this.

Best Bits of Becky 2011.

I love all of you. I really do. Maybe not as much as I would love my naked husband covered head to toe in sour cream & chive Pringles, but pretty dam close.

Wherever you are, whoever you are with, know that I'm sending all you whores mad love from your favourite bad ass kiwi blogger.

Peace & love

P.S I would pick the fleas from your anus, but only if'it's clean & their no bum pube cobwebs. I don't want to have to dig for it.

Joy to the world. The rain has come. And so it seems have I.

This time of year, no one really hears much from me.When I'm not up to my asshole with 'bullshit to do' at work, I am drowning in it at home. I get tired & cranky & by the time I get a few days off over Christmas, I'm exhausted. Cry me a river Becky. Jeeze.

Speaking of rivers, we had a fuck tonne of rain last week. Something in the ball park of 750mm over the region in 48 hours. Now my seaside city is the sunshine capital of NZ. Officially. And we never ever get rain like that. Go figure.

As you can imagine much wrath of shit ensued. Hills & boulders the size of cars were coming down all over the show, rivers broke their banks, roads were closed, people lost power/phone & just got straight up cut off from civilisation, people ended up with their backyards inside their lounge rooms & around 300 homes have been red stickered 'inhabitable' by the GeoTech folk.

We don't have the infrastructure to cope with a torrential downpour like that. And the devastation it's caused is insane. However the blessing in all of the carnage is that no one got hurt. You can replace a house, but you can't replace a human life. Amen.

Nothing says 'fuck my life' more than a giant mountain shit 

busting through your back door.

I had decided that if the flooding extended down to the marina where I live, I was finally going to live out my lifelong badass pirate dream & steal me one of the million dollar boats sitting right in front of my house. But sadly it never came to that. Still, it never hurts to have a game plan.

Hubs has returned from his African adventure. And he bought me some rad gifts. This loot included a pair of smurf pyjamas that are about 7 sizes too small. He obviously has a distorted estimation of just how gigantic my back end is because he was WAY off. I will fit them one day though. If I can get in a time machine & go back to when I was 3. Or alternatively I can give them to my unborn daughter on her 8th birthday. They are that small.

He also bought me a Karma Sutra book. As a joke. Although when most people claim it's 'just a joke', usually they aren't joking at all. This is a life lesson I have learnt ten fold. Lets just say that this is part of the reason why I am so frigging tried today. Sweet Jesus, nothing like 2 weeks apart to rev up the bang life. Right on son!!

Also my husband has decided to dabble in massage. Erotic massage. He even bought a book on it. That's dedication yo & I am all for that show! Since his return I have been receiving nightly stroke me nicely massages. Lucky doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now. Lucky & stupid muthafucking tired.

This book right here. Booyah.

I also got a beautiful African hand beaded necklace which I will never wear. Because those African ladies have small necks. My neck resembles an oompa loompa's in comparison. And if the .000001mm thick string the thousands of beads are threaded on to happens to break, it's god dam rainbow beads scattered from asshole to breakfast time.

When we were on our honeymoon last year I bought this beautiful wall hanging thing made out of millions of tiny beads. It was a piece of art work that I hung proudly on my hallway wall. Anyway the bitch broke a couple of days later & one year on I am still finding beads everywhere. And we've moved house twice since then.

I got monstrous bottle of Amarula Cream, & a box of cream caramels (a south African treat I would sell my whole family for), a couple of g-strings (also a 'joke' present apparently), a new Billabong Hoody, Weeds Season 1 on Bluray & a soft toy giraffe. The man did good. Real good.

So what once was a quiet, tidy & organised apartment has now returned to it's former pre South Africa visit state of undies/socks laying on the lounge chair, pube hairs scattered like magic fairy dust throughout the bathroom (& facial hair shaving), constant dishes in the sink & the little beaver like piles of shit (not actual shit) throughout the house. But I love him. And I'm so happy he's home. I love coming home to my manimal. A manimal who will willingly massage my ass cheeks for a whole hour. Whoop!

5 more sleeps til not real Santa comes. I'm looking forward to a sleep in, eating more food than is normal for one person to consume in a 24 hour period, AND spending time with the people I love who haven't buggered off down the sounds/South Africa or Wales.

With Christmas day quickly looming, what are all you whores up to?

For those of you that aren't aware the giveaway for this month is this kick ass knuckleduster coffee mug. Nothing says 'I hate your face' more than drinking your morning cuppa love out of this bad boy.

 I have 2 to giveaway. You know what you got to do. If you don't read here. 

Peace, love & achy hump muscles,