Thursday, June 21, 2012

Motel Etiquette: How not to be a dick when staying somewhere that is not your house.

When I was a small person, one thing my mum used to always say to my sister & I when we were caught being little bastards at someone else's house was 'would you do that in your own home?'. To which my reply would always be 'Yes I would. Except you would growl & when you growl I get scared'. And then I got taller than her & wasn't so scared anymore. That & the fact I could run like Forrest Gump on speed.

Apart from the fact I often challenged my mum's excellent child rearing skills, my sister & I were raised with respect for other people & other people's property.

This meant when we went away on holidays & stayed in motels, apart from helping my dad turn the couch upside down & sift it for lost change (Holla Papa! The apple doth not fall far from the tree. I still do this), we never abused the places we stayed in. Because it wasn't our place to abuse.

As an adult, I have carried this rule on & when I am travelling I am always respectful of any property of which does not belong to me. Sadly, many others do not abide by this same rule. In fact, when staying in accommodation, many people throw all rules & manners out the door.

For those that aren't already aware, my husband & I live at a motel. We have been living there for a year & a half now & we love it hard. My husband works at the motel during the day & we are also responsible for the place after reception closes. Which means one of us always has to be on the premises by 8pm every. single. night.

While this commitment does affect our social life together, it's no great burden because we both have Nana tendency's & often display extreme anti social behaviour. Why go outside when you don't have to right? Plus it's just a shit hot place to live. My back porch looks out over the marina. I get to smell the ocean every morning. Get that up ya.

Because of our current living status, we get to experience on a day to day basis, the perils of bad manners displayed by others who choose to abuse the luxury of staying away from home.

It shits me. It shits me so hard in fact that Blake has to lock me in the house sometimes to stop me from starting a hate riot in the courtyard.

So as per usual, I have taken it upon myself to educate that select group of  disrespectful wanks on how one must behave when staying somewhere that is not their house.

Shitting in the shower is not ok. Ever.
If it weren't so offensive, I would wear it on a t-shirt. Hell, y'all know by now that I would probably wear it on a t-shirt anyway. Do you know why? Because people actually shit in the shower!! I am so not lying. More than one time now, the cleaners at the motel have had to deal with a non-accidental misdirected fecal.

Now I understand first hand that accidents happen *cough cough. Sometimes, we have no power over our angry bowels & one can be left clenching cheeks completely & utterly in vain. In my 32 years on this earth, & with my troubled digestion problem, this has never happened to me in the shower.

I understand that in some countries, taking a dump in the shower may be considered a normal practice. This is not a normal practice in NZ. We do not do poos in the shower.

In the late 1600's, a containment vesicle was invented to house the excrement & urine of a human being. This vesicle is called a toilet. The Shitter. The Shit House. The Throne. ecetera. This is what we are meant to use to rid our body of excess waste.

The only time I would accept this sort of a behaviour is if you were a baby. Babies have no control over when & where they code brown. It's not their fault. Babies don't go out on their own & stay in motels. Unless they have super powers. And for the record I have yet to meet a baby with super powers.

So next time you find yourself with the urge to crack one out, get the hell outta the shower & drop it in the toilet like a normal person. Do not EVER let it go in the shower then attempt to squash it down the plug with your foot. First of all ewwwww you filthy filthy bastard. And secondly, some nice person, a person who is just trying to survive in this harsh world, has to clean up your rancid bowel contents.

I would write you a letter asking you to please refrain from shitting in the shower if you choose to visit our premises again in the future. If I was allowed to. And if I had a voice of reason, which I don't, the more likely scenario would be you getting into your car to go to work one morning & discovering that someone had taken a nasty dump on your passenger seat.

A nasty present for a nasty person.

You do know that we have all your personal details in the database & I could find out where you live right?

All Night Dance Parties
I'm always down for a good party. Actually that's a lie. I hate parties. And I'm always the first to sneak away when the host is in the bathroom. But not before I motorboat the shit out of the party food. Man I love me some party snacks.

Over the last year & a half, I have had to break up a few motel rooms parties. Every so often, we have the pleasure of housing young fishermen/women. I understand that life on the sea is tough & stressful, & when on land you are overcome with urges to drink until you're half dead.

What happens is this select group text all their friends & invite them over to their motel room for a good old shindig.

We don't mind guests inviting guests over. But when these guests & their guests start yelling & screaming & basically being disruptive little assholes, stopping me & other paying guests from enjoying a good nights rest, that is where I draw the line. Game on muthafuckas.

I am lucky to be blessed with a rather large pair of invisible ball sacs. Not only do these assertive scrotum aid me in hushing disruptive motel guests but they also help me vent my rage & lack of tolerance for all that annoys me in life. There is a lot that annoys me. Like musicals, taxi driver pee on the floor of the work bathroom, thigh chafe, bees, people with rancid dirty neck name but a few.

Heading off the topic here for a moment, I went to the movies last weekend & saw Rock of Ages. What possessed me, I can not say, but 3 seconds in to the first scene, I realised it was indeed a musical movie. Fuck my life.

You know when you witness something so cheesy, the level of inner discomfort is so extreme that you proceed to purge small piles of vomit into your own hand. That is how I felt whilst watching this movie. It was so shit.

Blake looked at me with hateful fail eyes, mouthing 'why' at me every time someone spontaneously broke into song. I talked him into seeing this movie. Therefore the fault lay solely with me.

We slunk down real low in our seats, praying for the visual torture to end.

And when it was all over, just to reassure ourselves that not all was lost on our rainy Saturday afternoon, we tag team throat punched some hobos.

To really driver home just how shithouse I found this movie, I went on the radio this morning to tell the nation what I thought about it.

I will be waiting for the defamation of character law suit with baited breath Tom. You're welcome.

Don't do it. You have been warned.
image source

Smoking will harm you. But not as much as my hate dagger in your ribs when you smoke inside a motel room after politely being requested not to.
I've had an on/off relationship with cigarettes since I was 15 years old. I hate that I love to smoke, & to date it is the one thing that I just can't shake for good.

When I travel for work, I often stay in motels. If there is a sign anywhere in the motel room that says 'please do not smoke', I don't smoke. Easy.

Some people proactively choose to ignore it. And proceed to get aggressive/offended when charged extra to cover the arduous task of removing cigarette stench from the motel unit.

This really grates my tits.

Please note: If you throw your cigarette butts over the balcony like goddamn Mardigras confetti, I will reign down on you with the intensity of a thousand badly shod wild equine.

Hiding Drugs in furniture that isn't yours is also not ok also.
We have never actually had this happen. If I was in the business of hiding drugs, I would totally do it in the motel. However, as I mentioned previously, my voice of reason is non existent, so I wouldn't really take anything I tell you to do as an actual instruction.

For a couple of months we did have a pot-like stench coming from one of our rooms after a west coast couple had spent the night. Now I have a nose on me like a hound dog, but even my super sense of smell could not sniff out the offending narcotics. That's because there were none. But it was so much fun to pretend there was.

I thrive in made-up-in-my-head dangerous situations.

It turned out there was a blockage of leaves in the pipes in the wall behind the bed. So the owners got it fixed.

I still prefer the drug story though.

Please note: I do not do drugs of any shape or form. Nor do I condone planting a brick of hash in the underside compartment of a motel chair.

image source

Get your freak on. With the curtains closed.
In 2010, when Blake & I were on a family holiday on the Gold Coast, he spied a couple in the opposite hotel banging the living daylights out of each other, with the curtains wide open.

Now I'm all for holiday porn.  My horn meter has been known to raise quite significantly while away from the stresses of my every day life. The difference between me & the Gold Coast Humpers is that I like to make relations with my husband, without other people watching.

While I'm definitely no prude, I don't find it particularly endearing when I have to pick up a used joey off the floor beside the bed, or remove sheets that have a strangers man seed all over them. If you put your shit in the bin, I don't have to see it. Good rule!

By all means, ride whoever you want, as many times as you like, but for the love of god don't leave your sexual byproducts on display for my viewing pleasure. I don't want to see it. It makes me gag. And then I spew all over the carpet. Then we have a whole other grotty mess to clean up.

It's a vicious dirty cycle.

Any memorable motel adventures you care to share?

Back in my rock star days, many years ago, we used to travel the top of the south playing in various venues, & staying in random motels. One time, I went out partying with the natives. I danced so hard that I danced my room key right outta my pocket. I slept on the floor outside, but not before administering many swift fuck kicks to the front door. My band mate didn't hear me. He was in a Jack Daniels coma. When the sun rose, I was found asleep on the front porch, & there was a large whole in the motel unit door.

I was such a bad ass.

Peace, love, & happy travels


  1. I used to live in Kalgoorlie when I was younger. Ok, I was 18 and I was a barmaid and I made great money and then I got pregnant at 19.. don't judge me. Anyway... I lived in a pub and instead of paying rent I cleaned the rooms. Fuck me dead... Miners are the dirtiest, feral pigs ever. And I should know, I shagged quite a few of them. There was one guy who was a serial bed shitter, another who pissed the bed at least 4 times a week, a few that would purposely leave their wank tissues on the floor for me to pick up, often I would enter a room to clean and there would be a naked man on the bed with a raging hard-on who would usually then offer to "brighten up my day"... And, one of the main reasons people shit in the shower is because they have cleaned their bowels out for a good old anal rodgering. Sad but true.

    1. Sweet Jesus Christ I love those Kalgoorlie folk!! We had a show on TV over here in New Zealand about the crazy shit that goes down in that town. Kalgoorlie Cops or something? Is it really that bad? I'm guessing the answer to that is a resounding yes.
      P.S pre meeting my now husband, I was a complete whore. I had self esteem problems. Jumping any good looking man that showed any sort interest in me was my way of dealing with said bad self esteem.

    2. Hey, I'm not judging... Pregnant at 19 here... And I was a bit of a whore as well. Even though I am a 6'2 redhead with massive tits, I was also a 6'2 redhead with coke bottle glasses and no tits until I was 16. Fucking terrible combination for a teenager.

      And yes.. it is that bad, but by fuck it's great fun if you are single. And not pregnant.

  2. Phew! I'm relieved to say that, for once, I haven't done any of the things on your 'not to do' list! lol... Not ONE! So there! ;-)

    The shitting in the shower makes me want to puke. I cannot believe someone would do that on purpose - and if it were on accident I can't believe they wouldn't clean it up! That's sooooo sick! I'm sorry that you've had to deal with it!

    1. I think we can establish from my constant bloggy rants, that many people are either missing manners or morals or both.
      P.S In regards to the shower poo, I didn't have to clean it. But the person who did lives with me & is allergic to anything fecal related.

  3. Once stayed in a lower class hotel in Michigan. There was a little refrigerator in the room. We weren't of a mind to use it, however during the evening of catching up with a few relatives and having a few (ahem... many) beers someone decided to open the little mini-fridge. HOLY HELL was the stench unbearable! Some previous occupant decided to leave some sort of take out in the fridge and housekeeping never checked the fridge to clean it out. We removed the offending take out box to the garbage can in the lobby but it smelled so bad in the room still that we had to open the windows and the room door in an effort to purge the stench. It didn't work and it was so incredibly smelly all night long. Rancid leftovers are disgusting...

    1. Really? I mean really?? That is bloody terrible! I'ma guessing that the cleaners at that particular motel spent more time doing jack all instead of their actual job. Please tell me you complained about it....

  4. Poo in the shower???? Ok, that does it. I am never ever taking a shower in a motel. EVER! That shit is disgusting!!! Literally. Gah!

    Methinks that you should try to ole water bottle trick on the roudy guests. Like when cats or dogs are being bad and need to be trained. Get a fucking gallon jug of it with a mondo spray and spritz those fuckers right in the face. If you are really feeling peckish, maybe add a wee bit of hotsauce. ;)

    1. That is a brilliany idea!! Or I could just mace them? Is that illegal?

    2. Oh, I thought brilliany was some sort of kiwi talk. :)

      It might be considered assault with a deadly weapon if you use mace. Especially since that shit is illegal (at least here, not sure about your laws). But otherwise? Go for it!!

  5. I once stayed in a room at a scuzzy Motel in Utah that was so nasty that I wouldn't even take off my shoes. The nightstand was from 1973 and apparently in such high demand that it was tethered to the wall with a chain. It was special.

    A person I know, I will refer to him as the Phantom Shitter, took a drunk poo BETWEEN the toilet and the tub (apparently thinking he was on the toilet). It was nasty. He tried to blame it on the rest of us but he was the only one in the room that was shithoused out of his mind. It was quite clear who the culprit was. My friends and I would randomly and anonymously leave toilet paper on his doorstep after that.

    1. Next time you need to blackmail him you totally have to write him a letter with cut out letters from a magazine saying 'I know what you did in Utah...'.

  6. The poo in the shower definitely deserves the number one spot... or number two as the case may be. WTF is wrong with people!? On my last trip, about half the group couldn't figure out how to work the shower diverter in their bathrooms so they took baths instead. Now, I love a good bath, but your post just made me all the more thrilled that I'm not too stupid to work the shower knob. No damned way will I ever take a bath in a motel. EVER.

    1. I am tossing up the idea of putting a sign beside the shower saying 'please do not shit in here'. In a bevy of foreign languages of course.

  7. I'm constantly amazed by people. Once I was in a movie theater with my mother and we were the only people in the WHOLE theatre. This middle-aged couple came in (old enough to know better) and sat RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. Are you fucking kidding me?

    ... is what I said before I grabbed my mother's arm and drug her to the seats in front of THEM. They never moved. Apparently they just liked watching movies clumped up like a pack of hamsters.

    1. In New Zealand we have this type of candy called a Jaffa. It's a small orangey chocolate ball covered in a hard red candy shell. Not only are they delicious, but they are also very handy ammunition in situations such as the one you've described above. I have been known to hurl them at the back of peoples heads when I can't see the screen.

  8. Footnote: Just had to google it. I would like to make a correction. Apparently it is a "horde" of hamsters.

    1. Got it. Will remember it for the next time I need to describe a mass of hamsters. God bless Google ;)

  9. I hear you girlfren. Why on earth would someone poo in the shower? don't they know that's what the sink is for? .......Just kidding, please don't send me one of those letters :)

    1. Haha sleep easy tonight knowing that you will not be getting a hate letter from me. Your comment reminded me of one memorable scene froma movie called Bridesmaids when the girls all get food poisoning from eating bad Brazilan food. The violent diahorrea hits them all when they are trying on Bridesmaid dresses in a very upmarket bridal store. If you haven't seen it, I reccomend you do. By far the funniests movie on 2011. Thank you for the comment sir :)

  10. Eeeeeee!!! So glad you have that view ....

    1. I wake up every day & look out my french doors & see those little (and sometimes very large) yachts bobbing in the marina, & I know, deep down in my core, that the world is ok.

  11. I'm packing up right now for yet another road trip for work where I'll stay in the same dive hotel in the same town as I do every other month. But despite the "accomodations" I am a motherfucking SAINT when I stay there because the employees are rad as shit. If you treat the hotel and the staff with humor and respect, you never know when they might hook a sister up with some free restaurant passes or midnight poker games when the insomnia kicks in. I speak from experience. :)

  12. I would expect nothing less than proper behaviour from you my gorgeous friend. Travel safe x

  13. A friend of mine once found a glass dildo under a bed at a hotel she was staying at. It was not hers.

    Let me repeat that... It was in someone else's vagina and under a bed she was sleeping in.

    I would like to think that that is quite rude. Also, not very sanitary. Not to mention those things are expensive.

    I blame rich people for this one.



    1. I hate to tell you Valerie... but most glass dildos are not for vaginal use... they go somewhere else. Like the anus. Don't ask me how I know this.

    2. Man... I feel even worse for the poor hotel employee that had to come remove it. They don't pay those guys enough. Not for glass dildo removal.


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