Thursday, July 12, 2012

Don't forget your roots

When I first started blogging, I obsessed about writing every day. I smeared my brain plops all up in this blog show & I couldn't get enough of it. I walked the streets of my fair city with a badass strut because people everywhere were reading MY shit?

Stories such as the time I punched a tranny on the bus after she tried to touch me in my special place or that other time I accidentally sharted in my own pants at work. I've put it all out there right from day one.

Also the bad parts of me that I was always too scared & ashamed to share with anyone. Blogging made me brave. Blogging gave my a big pair of juicy balls I always kinda knew were there but were slightly inverted, hiding up in my belly.

Every time I write something & share it with you, I always a little bit lighter. Like I smashed away a few of the concrete birds that are constantly perched on my shoulders.

And when I read all of your comments, I get that feeling inside where I want to squeal like a baby swine & shoot people in the face with magic rainbows. That magic rainbow shooting pig squealing feeling means I'm happy. You strange eclectic mix of Internet weirdos make me for real happy.

One of my Internet weirdo friends I would like to talk about today, is my fellow blogging brother Kevin, The SocialAssassin. I love Kev & his wife Emily. They feel like family. Family I have never met. But one day I really hope to hang out with them in their fine Isle of Wight. Or have them here with Blake & I in NZ. In fact I know we are destined to meet in real life. Any man who hates Steven Seagal as much as I & who has the word 'Ass' in his pen name twice, was totally born to be my friend.

Anyway a month or so ago, Kev ran a Haiku writing competition. Just between you, me & the next guy, I don't even know what a Haiku is even though I aced year 13 English. This did not stop me from submitting 2 entries to the competition.

I feel my prize of third was actually a mercy prize due to my high level of suckage at Haiku writing. However Kev did state he cried laughing when he read me entries.

This Haiku is aptly titled 'Scrotum Delicious'
Ball sacs are not snacks
Salty but not like potato chips
And excellent for fuck punching

And entry 2 'Crouch, Hold, Engage'
Gases released unsuspecting odour omitted
Offending nasal passages with sulphuric fury
Everyday poo particles are shufflin’

This is the prize I was sent from Kev & Emily. And as evident from my shit eating grin, I LOVE it. Thanks again guys x

You should also know that this sign does not live in my cleveage. The boobs just provided a handy shelf for photo taking.

In recent months my posts have become less frequent, mainly because my outside life is like a festy plague infecting my writing time. Plus I just got a new iPad on the weekend (early birthday present yo! Thank you Mama x) & I am love with that badass piece of technology so. dam. hard.

I've also started making my own earrings which I will be presenting to you all in the coming weeks. There will be prizes y'all!! It's so sick I get fanny spasms just writing about it. My new hobby is all based around my passion for piratism & kickass statement jewellery. And how my life dream of sailing the great oceans as a girl pirate searching for treasure, has been overshadowed by busy life/my inability to sail a boat & neck copious amounts of rum.

You gotta understand that I don't even care if my shit don't sell. But I have high hopes that the ladies will indeed like my wares. I needed a hobby aside from writing about scrotum & farts. Because hobbies stop me from ageing, losing my shit skittles and/or killing people.

I had also kinda gotten off track with my healthy lifestyle change & needed to get serious again before I fell into my old patterns of pie-holing cheeseburgers. And when I do have free time, all I've wanted to do is mooch around like a tired old dick & squee all over my iPad.

In short, what I have quickly popped in to say today is I'm sorry for not being around much lately. The business I work for is currently celebrating it's 50 years of operation. I have been in charge of organising some big deal stuff which has been occupying much of my free time.

The other reason I have been absent from Blogland is because of these bastards......

For many years I have been unable to have pretty lady fingers due to my rockstar lifestyle. Playing a guitar is near impossible when you have whore nails. However, I am currently on a sabbatical from the music scene for a couple of years due to my complete lack of desire to entertain drunks every weekend. Like brain eating zombies, they sucked the passion right out of me.

Whilst on the hunt to reclaim my passion for my music, a nail technician friend of mine approached me to ask if I would like to be a guinea pig while she trains with a new acrylic nail product.

Now I am a low maintenance kinda gal, evident from my current hairy leg status. It's winter bitches, my muscly pegs stay warmly hidden within my pantaloons & my husband doesn't seem to notice so go me. Plus I've only ever had lady nails once before when I was 20 & I didn't know any better. Which I promptly chewed of like a house cat with stitches 2 days later because they drove me cray cray.

Being a lady is hard work, especially with my hairy genes insisting on the need for me to own a goatee. I have told them I have no desire for facial hair which they seem to blissfully ignore my instructions. So it was with extreme hesitation that I chose to have a new set of acrylic nails fitted onto my calloused guitar playing man fingers.

While they do indeed look pretty, it took me approximately 2 hours post nail application to remember why I can not stand having talons. There are so many things you just cannot do.
  • Wiping Bum. I am an extremely thorough ass wiper. But with claws, the whole process is deadly. It's like trying to wipe your bum with a set of steak knives. I have to mummy-like bandage my wiping hand up with toilet paper & do what I can.
  • Typing. Especially on an iPhone. It's so bloody useless. You may as well just mash the keypad with your face because you will probably have more luck obtaining a read-worthy text. And don't even get me started on the constant clackaty clack noise on my work keyboard. It's like an elephant is wildly tap dancing on my keyboard. It has taken my 3 days to type this post.
  • Eating chicken. I really like eating chicken with my fingers. This is now no longer an option unless I want a deadly salmonella shit bug lurking under my nails.
  • Opening a can of Coke Zero. Can't do it. I have to use a knife & stab it open.
  • Kicking ass. While long finger nails do have some merit as a personal self defence weapon, I have no control over the potential damage they can cause, mainly to myself. Although, I do quite enjoy pretending to be a razor nailed Veloceraptor.
  • Picking anything up off any surface. Unless you have Jedi mind powers this proves basically impossible. I have just spent 20 minutes on the floor under my desk attempting to pick up a CD that had accidentally fallen face down. The important side of the disc now looks like somebody tried to lick it clean with a tongue covered in rusty nails.
  • Flicking the bean aka Masturbation. I do not do this often at all, because my husband satisfies my needs. But if I did fiddle with my lady diddle, I would certainly not be going near it with these death fingers. While I am sure there are many people out there in the universe that do quite enjoy being manually stimulated by bald eagle-like talons, I am not one of these people.
  • Dancing. I advise against any hey-hoeing in da club with vigor as it is equal to having a dance off with Wolverine when he's piss mad. I have become a health & safety hazard.
  • Inserting a fanny bullet (tampon). You are in luck, I am so not even going to go there.

And with that lovely mental picture I shall bid you all adieu til next time. Please remember that I come to this place for all of you. I write because of you. And the fact that I'm scared my head will combust if I don't get all the stuff out that's stuck in there. Thanks for stickin round x

Peace, love & Wolverine fingers

P.S Roachelle, if you read this, I haven' hurt myself yet. You did a good job.


  1. Oh good god, girlie. You make me giggle like a Hello Kitty bedecked Asian school girl. And I am not the giggly type, but damn. The visual of you flailing your arms around a dance floor like wolverine was just too much to bear. Try not to slice anyone's jugular. That would be bad form indeed.

    And as you know, I always have pretty toes. What I do not have is painted or done nails in any way at any time. I can't deal with that crap, so don't know of these hazards. Thank you for pointing them out to me.

    I love you, too, and love reading your crazy ass stuff. It's cray cray in your noggin, lady, and I can't get enough. Never stop writing it down. It is da bomb. And I can't wait to see these jewelry crafts of yours. I'm sure they are superbly awesome!!

  2. I miss your face.

    And Kevin is amazeballs. And his wife's boobs are the shit.


    1. Hell yes they are!!!! In fact they are a major contributing factor to my own blog-drought recently!!! ;)

    2. Mrs Social AssassinJuly 13, 2012 at 9:11 AM

      *Blushes* the boobs and I thank you! x

  3. Don't worry. I once had Lady Fingers too, and you will adapt quickly. I recently had mine removed and getting used to not having them was a chore. I thought of all the things I could do now without them. Like, learn to play the guitar and playing with my lady parts without fear of accidentally cutting off my goodies.

    As it turns out, I have been way too lazy to learn anything new, and I still enjoy my vibrator over my fingers. Go figure. Also, I miss reenacting my favorite scenes from the X-Men movies.

    Good luck with your claws! Also, can't wait to see the earrings. I'm sure they will be as kick ass as you!



  4. And here I was being all excited about Andrew shouting me a set of gorgoeus lady nails for my birthday. Now I have all these horror scenes playing out in my head which also included accidently removing my sons willy with my wolverine nails. Damn!

  5. 1. Sack poem was fucking hilarious...
    2.I knew women just got those nails so it made them completely unable to do anything useful! Genius!

  6. Aw woman, you made me go all gooey and mushy and shit on the inside with your love-gush. We <3 you too mate, you know a meeting of the minds is on the cards some day as soon as I manage to sell one of the kids on Ebay to pay for the plane tickets!! Until then, keep your eyes open for my own long-awaited (as if) and triumphant (possibly) return to blogging in the VERY near future, along with my own hastily cobbled-together and spurious reasons for a six week absence!! Change is afoot in the Assassin household! Love to you and Blake,
    Kev x

  7. All great reasons not to wear fake nails! My "friend" says that it also makes it hard to remove a booger from the depths of the nasal cavity. But that is just a rumor I heard so I can neither confirm nor deny...

  8. The lady talons, while pretty to look at, are a bacterial infection waiting to rage upon your person. Here in ye olde cali, they make them in all manner of colored glitter powder and crazy lengths and it is scary crazy what these bitches pay. As for Kev & Em, I amazeballs isn't even close enough to cover their particular brand of cool. Maybe a fan club is in order. Then agaian, I'd have to start one for Jen and Misty and you too, then I'd never get anything done.

    Good on ya for takin a break to care for yourself, it's the best thing you can do. Especially since I need rockstar stories from the Bexstar iPad (Which my vegan brother calls the iPoop. I knew you'd appreciate that knowledge and my steal it as well, I asked!)

  9. Mrs Social AssassinJuly 13, 2012 at 9:16 AM

    Glad you like the sign, we saw it and thought of you straight away lol! Yes, we will meet one day, somewhere in the world! Where is midway between UK and NZ? (My geography is appalling!) Love the nails - I tend to favour pretty lady nails in a variety of colours and sparkly glitter, you will get used to them! Tip - use a biro to prise open the tab on a can of coke, safer than a knife lol! Love to you and Mr B xxx PS - love the earrings.....currently deciding which pair I like most and then will post on your FB page xx

  10. Beck, I have learned every time I read your blog I need to pad up in advance or sit on potty as always end up pissing myself laughing. Will definitely have to have a pair of earrings that have been constructed by the talons. Just make sure you sterilise after diddle fiddling and wiping....I shall check for suspicious smears...
    Love ya! must go and change my panties...

  11. No one phrases things quite like you, which makes my girl crush grow every time I read a post that you write. You must promise us that you will never stop writing.

    Your lady talons are magnificent. Mine have grown out naturally from my lack of manual labor lately, but they are starting to curl in an unattractive way that makes me think of the picture that I saw once of the winner of the world's longest fingernails. It scarred my tiny child brain and now I need to go cut my nails.

    P.S. I love your jewelry!!!

  12. I have given up hope of ever having "pretty girl nails" in large part because I have freakish tranny man-hands and that would only drive home that whole drag queen look I'm trying so desperately to avoid. ((le sigh...))

  13. SOO Fucking happy, I am Finally back online..

    Anywho..Stay the hell away from your Fur Mitten with those things! But there are lots of fun things you can do with them.
    You can crouch down behind a seat on a public bus with them curled around a large magician ring, muttering my precious over and over. You can play T-rex. Rawr.. You can Stab olives with each finger and play alien fingers. You can paint them blood red and get a really long ciagerette holder to carry around and look all elegant and shit.See? Fun.


I love reading your comments. Comments are sexy.