Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Rock Bottom. I've ripped it a new one.

In my thirty three years on this planet, it's common knowledge I have done some ridiculously stupid shit. Yesterday however, I sank to a brand new low. Even for me.

I haven't told anyone about this until now, mainly because I am ashamed, but I thought hey if I was going to share it with anyone, it may as well be all you hookers. To be honest I feel like a bit of a dick. Like if you took all the dicks in the world & sewed them together to make one big giant dick, I would still be a bigger than that dick.

I know you have all been wondering where in the hell I have been lately. I haven't posted in about eleventy billion years. My lack of posting comes down to two contributing factors, I have been deeper than balls deep in my busy life (work, the motel, my jewellery business, birthday parties, leaving the house to socialise, other stuff) & honest to god I have not been able to think of a single fricking thing to write about. I am an empty vessel.

In my drafts folder, I have at least 20 half assed posts that I couldn't finish. None of them were up to my usual high standard of awesome so I chose to take a short leave of absence.

Moving right along........ a few weeks ago, I bought myself a bicycle. A red raging road demon that is yet to be named. Now I love my bike. I love it so goddamn hard that it actually takes up residence inside my house because I don't want no thieving bastard to thief it. It has also kept me company these last 3 weeks while my husband has been away overseas.

Every morning I get on my bike & I ride the fuck out of it to my place of work or anywhere else I feel like going. I have been experiencing a new sense of freedom I have never felt before. Me & the bike, we are the modern day human/metal framing with wheels version of Milo & Otis.

It has been many years since I have placed my voluptuous sized booty upon the seat of a two wheeled transportation device. But just like riding a bike, it was like riding a bloody bike.

(I specifically chose a bike with a decent sized seat that my ass wouldn't try to eat. I have a constant hungry bum. It's like  my own personal venus fly trap hanging off my backend. Pants, underwear, outdoor seating, you name it, my backside has probably tried to eat it. It's an uncontrollable force)

As many of you know, I work in an office. Working in an office requires me to wear presentable office attire with tidy non tranny makeup, tidy hair & suitable lady shoes. Since becoming a bike rider, each morning I have to dress in workout gear & put my office clothes in my back pack. I don't know if anyone has tried riding a bike in skinny jeans before? Let me tell you something for nothing, you may as well ride your bike with your legs cling wrapped together because it's basically the same thing.When I arrive at my office each morning, once the sweat has evaporated off my face, I get changed into my office clothing & carry on with my working day.

I have been doing this now for 3 weeks. It's not ideal but I've got it down to a fine art.

I'm not sure what happened yesterday morning. One can only assume that I was riding my bike so fast that I created wind. This wind speed velocity caused my left eye to leak non-crying tears. The non crying tears caused my beautifully drawn liquid eyeliner to drip down my face. Even upon arriving at work & changing into my work clothes, it still kept on leaking.

Upon inspection in the work bathroom, & to my horror, the effect of the wind raped leaky eye caused my left eye makeup to look as though it had been drawn on my face by a 2 year old blind child.

I don't bring my makeup to work, because I am not an asshole. So I was left with two choices, I either cleaned all the makeup off my face, letting the world lay it's eyes upon my breathtaking beauty underneath the mineral foundation & mascara, or I could freak the fuck out, panic, then do something stupid.

I don't think you will be at all surprised to learn I went for the latter option.

Do not ask me why I did what I am about to tell you, because I can't quite believe it myself. I have clearly, & finally lost my freakin mind.

I strolled back into my office, grabbed the black permanent marker off my desk, & I drew my motherfucking eyeliner right back on my left eyelid.

With permanent black marker.

Just like a goddamn office MacGyver.

I stood back & admired my handy work in the mirror. No worries mate, good as new. It looked like a replica of my right eye. Right on!!

Once seated back at my desk, I took stock of what I had just done to my own face. Because obviously I am completely insane. Then it struck me that yes, I am a 33 year old adult woman, who had just actively defiled my own left eyelid with PERMANENT marker. Ding dong crazy lady!! Who in the hell does that?

Because I have a 10 second Tom memory, I soon forgot about my pen eyeliner & got on with my day.
It wasn't until I got home & attempted to remove my makeup that I sheepishly remembered what I had done.

In my head I figured that because eyelid skin is magical & delicate, the permanent marker might not be permanent at all. I held my breath as I wiped away the mascara & crusty eye shadow away, only to be disappointed. The pen was indeed permanent just like it said on the pen.

So I did what any normal modern day lady would do, I Googled how to remove permanent marker from skin. I had a few options, Turpentine or Janola. Neither of which I was willing to bosh on my face.

Hence to say, as of right this minute, I have one eye with eyeliner on it, & one fully clean normal eye. My face looks odd. I look like Sloth from the Goonies minus the kickass Superman t-shirt.

I am considering wearing a pirate patch today when I go & meet Blake at the airport. He will think I am just being quirky & weird & maybe a little overexcited to see him. Little does he know that while he was away I fucked up my own face. I am hoping he will be too jet lagged to notice.

To me 14 year old niece Paris, I am not a role model whose examples you should follow. Just sayin'.

Peace out homies!

P.S UPDATE: Somehow during the night, the magic sleep fairies made my eyeliner disappear. OR the story I wish to go with, Simon Baker crept into my room while I slept & licked it off. Holla!

Thank you Simon.


  1. Well then. So . . . apparently, your ample bum is not the only thing that eats things. Your eyesocket is also apparently carnivorous in all things ink related. Now I'm wondering if all of a sudden you will have one black iris and one whatever other color your eyes are originally. Like your eye ate the ink and absorbed it to create an entirely new eye color. That would be pretty rad.

    Yay for Blake's return!! I assume we won't hear from you again for a couple weeks, what with all the baby making y'all will be doing. Have fun, hooker!! ;)

  2. Hahahahaha - BEX YOU ARE AMAZING!!! Love you blog - holy shit I need to join!! LOVE YOUR WORK... made my start to my "office" working day a WHOLE LOT BETTER BITCHES - when are you down? we actually NEED to catch up haha

  3. I seriously just laughed so hard that I peed my pants. Like, for real. I have to go change my underwear like a 2 year old. And for that, I thank you. I haven't laughed like that in ages. And I totally needed it.

    I want to fly out there and hug you so hard!

    Double Hugs!


  4. am not only laughing at this, but also mental images of Valerie above trying to dress herself like a 2 year old. neither of my kids could dress themselves very well aged 2, hence the hearty gaffaw!
    next time you try to tattoo your skin with some stationery, try getting it off with hair spray. seriously. that shit does loads, it keeps stuff on, but cleans stuff off. how did i discover this? trying to keep some artwork from peeling (dont ask)i laid it on desk and gave liberal spray. wiped off excess on desk to find it cleaned off nearly every pen mark on desk. huzzah! is my new best friend for hair keeping/crap removing properties. fucks sake dont spray it in an open eye. even a 2 year old blind kid knows that!

  5. I figured when you got up the next day to put makeup on, then it would look 'normal' again. It would just be the at home time when you would look like a freak.

  6. Yay! That you're back, not that you dyed your eyelid skin. Been missing your humour. Off you go now, welcome your man home. As Misty says, expect you back in a week or two. Stay away from permanent markers hey?

  7. that's hilarious and awesome and terrible all at the same time.... I understand about not writing.. I've been an asshole about that as well... hopefully we'll see you back again soon!

  8. LMAO that's great! I could picture myself doing something like that.


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