Thursday, March 28, 2013

What you missed while I wasn't here.

Hi. How are you? It's been a while I know but hear me out.

In November last year, my whole house was swallowed into a giant sink hole. I was in the house at the time & I have spent the last 4 months trapped underground, surviving on nothing but 3 packets of girl guide biscuits & my husbands expensive & very thick Merck medical journal. Yes I ate the book. It was delicious.

Luckily I was rescued yesterday. Thank god because I had run out of cookies & book! I have lost about 40kgs due to my Girl Guide biscuit/paper diet & I have also partially torn the radial ligament in my left wrist due to spending 4 months trying to judo chop my way out of the bosom of the earth (aka hell).

Actually the above is a lie. I donkey kicked my way out. And now my legs are nothing but one mangled stump, kinda like a dolphin tail.

Seriously guys, I've been lady balls deep in ALL of the stuff. And I have not forgotten you.

I pretty much fire on all cylinders all of the time. I attack everything with vigour & enthusiasm times about eleventy billion. Last year in July, I was inspired to start my own little jewellery business. At first I was just kinda getting a feel for the market & as it turns out, my jewellery is so muthaeffing awesome that everyone wants it. This means that when I'm not working, I'm making pirate treasure for the masses.

If you have not checked out my jewellery Facey page, we can't be friends anymore. Just sayin. Go there now & like my shit please & thank you.

Now I also work full time. My job is hard & demanding. Yep, cry me a river you say.
My husband & I also look after a motel. He does pretty much everything but that's besides the point. I am there, therefore I will stake claim to having aome involvement.

Music exploded back into my life over christmas/new year. It was fun to play a few gigs but I've reigned that shit back in again for a while because quite frankly, I can not be fucked singing to drunk people in bars every weekend of my life. Rock n Roll isn't as glamorous as everyone has been led to believe.

So now that I have my half assed apology & list of below par excuses out of the way, I would like to summarise what y'all missed while I wasn't here.

I am still riding my red road rage machine aka 'The Red Bike'. As the early hours of the morn get darker (fuck you autumn you big fat bastard), I have been forced against my will to purchase a fluro yellow high viz vest & bike lights. Now I get the bike lights, a bitch has gotta see where she's going, but the yellow horror vest is not on man.

Blake explained to me that I need to wear the vest or he will be have to scrape my body off the rode after I have been hit by a log truck. And he faints when he sees blood & he doesn't want to embarass himself in front of the general public. Because I love him, I have agreed to let my backpack wear the yellow vest. I have the incredible hulk on the back of my helmet & a voluptuous back end, the people in the motorcars will see me.

Riding my bike to & from work each day is kinda like being in the Hunger Games. It's brutal & stressful. Luckily I'm so good at riding my bike that to date I have not been hit by any passing vehicles. Y'all know I would just fuck them up with my mighty fists anyway.

In Feb I went to the Wellington series of the International IRB Sevens. Basically two days of drinking yourself to death & sometimes watching rugby. You also HAVE to get dressed up. It's a pretty big deal.

I bought a shark costume. (It cost me $100). But as I began to don my awesome Shark costume for the first day of Seven's madness, I realised with that the Shark costume was a massive bastard fail. It had a floppy head. No matter what I did, I could not get the dam shark head to stay erect. (I will probably never use that sentence again in my life).

The fail Shark. I am still mad about this.
image source

Luckily my BFF had a spare costume. So I went as a referee. I felt like a fat zebra but I rocked it with a smile.

That's Blake in the Blue man costume. It's from an x-box game? Every one loved him & he felt famous.
To date I still have no idea what the hell he was meant to be.

Blake & I were Seven's virgins. We went along with my best hooker, her husband & a couple of friends. And for the most part we did enjoy ourselves.

However, after about 2 minutes into finding our seats, I remembered that I hate people. Especially really messy drunk people. Combined with really hot burny sun. Both days I had to be escorted from the premises by Blake before it finshed because I had urges to fist pound some faces.

All of the people. Ick.

Apart from my inner rage monster trying to bust outta me (due my high level of anxiety when stuck among sweaty crowds of assholes), we did have an awesome 4 days in my nations capital city. We shopped, ate, drank & had some time away from the demands of life in Nelson. We needed it.

Blake & I had our 3 year wedding anniversary on Feb 28th (Go us!). We went out to our favourite restaurant for dinner. I'm pretty sure Jesus himself invented Little India in Nelson. I highly recommend the Paneer Aloo Tiki. And the Butter Chicken is off the hook yo! I know my Indian food & this place delivers every dam time.

I gave Blake this fun card for Valentines Day.
It basically sums up everything I feel for him.

Before I leave you today, I need to let you all know that I do appreciate you coming here to read me. I can't promise you that I will post every day, because I just don't have the time. However I do promise that I won't leave it another 4 months before you hear from me again. Maybe once a week? I can do that.

Also I did bugger my wrist. It's currently bandaged up & I can't use it at all for 3 weeks. This post took me 2 weeks to type. I hope you treasure every tasy morsel.

Please tell me what you've been up to my little whores. Oh how I've missed you so.

Peace & love


  1. Mrs Social AssassinMarch 28, 2013 at 12:09 PM

    Bex! You're back! we missed you - don't leave it so long next time....don't make us have to come all the way to NZ to make sure you haven't been eaten by a real shark! xxx PS I LOVE butter chicken!

    1. One day, when you comes visit (minus the snake babies) I will take you to my local Indian restaurant. We will eat, drink & be very merry x

  2. Damn bitch. I thought you'd been EATEN by a shark. And then I cried real live tears of sadness . . . until I saw you posting all your awesomesauce jewelry on the FB, so I knew you were still kicking. Missed your badass. Glad you have returned to the world of the blogging.

    1. Oh I am back baby. I was never really ever away. I always read your posts & Jens & Johis but was too busy to write my own. I need to make time. We've had a lot of sharks around these parts over summer yet somehow I managed to out smart them. I should be an honorary Avenger. Seriously.

  3. Meh, you'll never get a complaint about absence from blogging from me, sistah, my own posts have been more absent than a stable relationship on a Taylor Swift album lately. But it's good to see you back and swinging, even if it is one handed. Bike safety gear sucks, I in particular detest bike helmets - but the five inch scar on my head reminds me that during downhill mountain biking, they're kinda useful - who knew??? Welcome back!!! ;)

    1. Blake calls my helmet the Moon. It's so big that he can see me coming half a mile up the road. So essentially I don't really need a high viz vest as I have a moon head.

  4. Hi. I missed you. I hope your wrist heals quickly. Your jewelry is rad. When I get some moula, I'm ordering some of those dangle earrings.

    You know what's going on with me. I'm constantly spamming Facebook with all that stuff. Sorry about that (I'm really not, but I feel like maybe I should be).


    1. Always love ready your shit Lady Cakes. I would love you to rep some of my jewels in Fort Collins xxoo

  5. Love you Bex, made my day to piddle my pants reading your latest adventures. Never leave it 4 months again! once a week will sustain us and keep my from getting cystitus (sp? sista tights arse....?)

    1. Holy Christ your phone needs excorcism? Although mine came out with cake poos the other day when I was talking to my mate about her Easter cake pops. Also crotchgobble seems to appear often. I am glad to contribute to your fully functioning bladder & moist pantaloons.

  6. Yay! So glad to see you're back!!

    1. Why thank you darling. I'm feeling so much love.

  7. YAY YOU'RE BACK! Bitch I love you but don't ever leave us hanging like that again. *wipes tears*

    Sincerely, your (self-proclaimed) favourite ninja.

  8. Wow! You've been a busy girl. So glad you're back!




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