I've got a dilemma.
Well it's not really my problem per say, but it's pissed me off so hard that I just can't seem to let it slide. I want some advice. Your advice is basically choosing from a multi choice list of scenarios below on how I deal with the bullshit I am about to tell you.
There is a lady, a lady that from this moment onwards will be named 'Dog shit lady'. Every day Dog Shit Lady walks her ugly ass dog down the marina where we live. Her dog is a giant horse poodle.
|If candy floss & miniature horses mated,|
this right here would be the by-product. Ick, get away.
Anyway, she parks her car, & goes for a leisurely walk with her horsedog companion. Then every time she returns (no lie, every dam time), she saunters all whore-like over to the wheelie bins by our bedroom window, & dumps her horror bag of dog shit in the trash.
Most of you are probably wondering what in the actual fuck is the problem here Bex? It would seem that Dog Shit Lady is dumping her dogs dumps in a very proper way & not leaving it for some clumsy bastard to unknowingly step in then trample through their home. Or leaving the dog shit to sun bake for eternity until it turns chalky white & crumbles into the earths core. Respect lady. NOT!
Im a good neighbour. In fact, I'm a straight up gangsta hoe of a neighbour. If theres a problem in my hood or I find someone abusing someone else's facilities, I am on it. Like a vigilanty neighbourhood server of thee moral justice.
My one issue with this woman is that she is putting her dog's shit in a rubbish bin that is owned & paid for by someone else. It would be like me walking into the restaurant next door to our motel, taking a massive mud in their toilet then leaving without so much as a tipping of the hat & a 'good day to you sir'.
I am obsessed with this. It's unhealthy how obsessed I am with this. I hide behind the safety of our net curtains watching her dispose of the dog poop while yelling expletives through the small opening in the window where the fresh air comes.
Fuck her. Seriously. (Just in case you were feeling a bit sorry for this lady because of my obvious distaste towards her, I need to take her down another peg on the shame scale by revealing that she also smokes in her car while her horsedog is sitting all ugly in the back seat. This is basically the same as smoking with a small child in her car. This is another life crime I have been known to verbally abuse people for).
I've come up with a list of things I could do. I feel the time has come where I need to put an end to this.
- Covering over the 'no broken glass or hot ashes' sign on the bin with a crafty handmade sign saying 'no filthy dog shits'.
- Go bin diving after she has deposited her shit bag each day, collect them for a month, then mysteriously leave them in a black rubbish bag on the hood of her car with a note saying 'fuck you'.
- Hide in the bin & when she opens the lid, sling shot her in the face with her own dogs feces. I would be wearing my infamous wild striding horse mask so she wouldn't know who I was. I would also be armed with a well timed judo chop to her esophegus just in case she tried to smack me.
|The wild striding horse mask. For the ultimate disguise.|
- Find out where she lives, break in & leave a steaming bag of poo in her rubbish bin with a note that says 'fuck you'.
- Hide the rubbish bin.
- Make Blake do all of the above. Because I'm not really fond of diddling with anything poo related. He also has gag issues with shit, but he's younger & more nimble than I am. Therefore by default he wins at having to do it.
- Do nothing.
Before I go, I just wanted to let you know that I just watched her dump a fresh one right this minute. I will take a secret squirrel evidential photo tomorrow & post it. But for now, I will just sit here & try not to breath in the smell of fresh dog crap that is seeping through the window & into my bedroom. Fuck my life.
Peace, love & gagging so hard right now.......
P.S What's Grindin' will be a weekly post (yep I'm gona bust my tits trying to keep up with this one) about whats been grinding my chops hard each week.
P.P.S There is a lot of 'fucks' & 'shits' in this post. And I'm not sorry. I really hate dog shit.
P.P.P.S I do not own or pay for these trash bins. They belong to the restaurant next door. But it's the principal. She needs to take her dog shit home & dump it in her own bin. Nuff said.