At a guess I'm going to say no you haven't.
Well I have. No lie. A he-bitch touched my goodies.
Lets back track a bit..........
In 2007 I was a giant asshole. An asshole with a chip on my shoulder & big bad attitude. I decided on a whim, to do everyone including myself a favour & go live somewhere else far far away. I chose Auckland. For those geographically inept, Auckland is close to the top of the North Island. I don't even know why I'm telling you this because you either know or you don't.
And if you don't know where it is then you will probably think it's in the middle of Australia & we have bears, baby eating dogs & flat nosed brown men with fuzzy hair & loin cloths that live in the desert & like to paint their faces & dance around camp fires. Fact: New Zealand is NOT in Australia. Here is a map for your convenience.
Anyway I sold my few possessions, bought a plane ticket & with my guitar on my back, I fucked off. To study massage therapy in the big smoke.
Don't ask me why massage therapy because quite frankly I hate touching people. This became apparent to me when we had to do some community work placements & I had to massage the gnarled, arthritic freak feet of 90 year old men & women without dry retching. Becky touching anyones feet = vomit shower.
Tip: If you ever wish to send me hate mail, a few photo's of feet in a similar state to this & you will never hear a word from me again. This shit terrifies me. How I even managed to photoshop it without doing a technicoloured rainbow cough all over my laptop is a miracle.
Anyway one afternoon after class I had to get the bus in to town to meet my boyfriend. Let's just get one thing clear before I carry on. You don't drive in Auckland, unless you want TO DIE.
It was a rainy/sunny/windy/haily typical Aucks day. I was dressed Neo Matrix styles with my long black coat, umbrella & sunglasses so I didn't have to have any eye contact with any of the scary Auckland people. I also never went anywhere without my ipod. This was mandatory small fish in big city day attire for me.
This one afternoon in particular I boarded a bus filled with mostly university kids. I found a seat close to the front. Before sitting down I did a quick scan of bus checking for hazards, serial killers & hot boys. Upon doing so I had a quick glimpse of a strange looking lady dressed in most inappropriate day wear. This was Auckland. A huge city of crazy, so I shrugged my shoulders, sat down & ignored everything around me.
15 minutes later we arrive at Auckland University Campus & the majority of passengers depart bus except for a homeless drunk asleep up the back, 2 other randoms & blonde lady dressed like hooker. As the bus proceeds the blonde hooker lady decides she wants to come & sit by me. Nay, directly in front of me.
It was at this stage I am greeted with a horror similar to this.
Except she was wearing a purple boob tube that covered only her huge tits with mammoth gut & front bum flapping all over the show. Trackie pants, red porn star shoes, & a 3 year old boys cap that wasn't actually fitted onto her head.
I was reading a magazine & noticed her presence. I as all like WTF & thought best way to deal with this shit currently all up in my business is to ignore it. So I did. Well I tried to.
That was until she started smacking my magazine. After the 2nd time she tried to hit it onto the floor I asked her
To which she replied, in a deep voice that made my sphincter shrink right up into my colon in complete terror, "Sorry babe, but you are just too pretty".
Next on the let's fuck with Becky agenda, she starts stroking the end of my umbrella in a manner simulating that of a phallus. She was wanking my umbrella!! Which must of quickly got boring because she then spreads my legs with her own manly thighs, slides up in between them & gets right up in my face & says "I want to touch your pussy".
This is when shit gets dramatic so go get a beer/popcorn or something......
I get up & push her back into her seat whilst saying "no you fucking are NOT". There's a short scuffle between myself & this human beast as I gather my belongings in order to make a hasty departure at the upcoming stop. While I am doing this, she is trying to get her hands on my mound. So I'm smacking away with one hand, packing my shit up with the other, yelling at the bus driver to let me off the fucking moving bus.........everyone else is watching on in delight. Even drunk hobo up the back has moved up front to watch.
 |
| NO MEANS NO YOU FREAKY HE-BITCH!!! |
I was horrified. I had only been in Auckland 3 weeks & I had been hand raped by a tranny.
So I had to go to the police & submit a statement. I could see them laughing behind their sympathetic eyes while I re-told the whole story. I found out the tranny's name was Gina. She liked to ride buses around the city for fun. And apparently sexually harass strangers.
My boyfriend picked me up & took me home. I showered & scrubbed with ferocious dedication at my tampered vag. Molestation issue aside, I had the time of my life in Auckland. I returned home a brand new, nicer asshole version of myself, with a qualification & some rad stories.
Peace!
P.S Apart from Gina no trannys were harmed in the process of this story. Just to clarify I am in no way a tranny hater (except Gina). I have a friend on Australia that makes a living as a tranny cabaret singer & he is muthafucking FABULOUS.
