A Centipede bit me on the ass. And then I stomped on it's head. Actually I'm lying. I ran away screaming like a bitch.

I know y'all probably been thinking shit for real she did get eaten by the Mexican Tree Cat? Our dear sweet Becky Boo disappeared from the Blogosphere forever & ever, assaulted by a face eating muchacho bush feline.....to write about toilets & scrotum no more. Sad faces a plenty. Le sigh.

A single lonely grief tear rolls down your cheek & splashes onto the screen of your iPhone/laptop/iPad. Which you immediately wipe off with the sleeve of your jersey because holy christ, hot salty tears will damage the delicate layer of whatever that shit is protecting the screen & it really did cost a lot of money so you must protect it with YOUR LIFE!!

Dramatic enough for you?

Fear not my man-hos & whorettes, for I hath returned. Face fully in tact but jetlagged to buggery.

Coincidentally, the day before we were about to fly out of NZ, the universe decided it would a good time to inflict me with a disease I like to call, shit & vomit 5kg of my own body weight out of various orifices like a goddam geyser till I lay in a floor coma in the bathroom-itis.

Timing has never been a strong characteristic of mine but thankfully everything subsided early that evening.

I must confess that even though I felt better, I actually wasn't. My backend felt like it had been wiped clean with a cheese grater & all the honking left me feeling washed out & lacklustre. I'd lost my shine. Down the toilet. Miraculously, as soon as I stepped onto Mexican soil, I felt fine. Huzzah!!

Please note: I would just like to half-heartedly apologise to the obese Australian man I sat beside on the 13 hour flight from NZ to Argentina. I did indeed breath all over you like a dragon in hopes I would dispel the bug from my own sickly carcass to your large manly girth. You dug the arm rest into my left thigh one time too many & your deafening man snoring kept me awake the WHOLE FLIGHT. Due to my lack of energy, I had no fight left in me. I was left with no other option except breathing my sickness all over your face because quite frankly I hated your face so hard. You're welcome.

I flew, in total, 49.8 hours. With a 7.5 hour stop over in Buenos Aires on the way over, & a 12 hour layover there on the way back. It raped me SO hard.

We arrived back on Saturday afternoon & the last few days, I've been a massive space head. I spent $200 at the Supermarket & I had no idea I'd even been there? I feel like I've gone batshit nato on a plate of potent hash cookies & my brain is floating in an alternate universe somewhere far far away from my body.

I'm coming back down to earth though. One day at a time. And today is Anzac Day in New Zealand & Australia. A day we have off to remember the war veterans that fought for our respective countries in the Galipolli War. Thank you sweet Jesus to those Veterans for giving me a day to rest my space hash cookie travel head!! We remember them x

Bibs, Me & Blake in Isle Mujere.

Anyway, I have so much to tell you all. Cancun is the balls. Here is why......
The ocean is warm. The ocean is turquoise which is a nice colour. The sand on the beach in front of the ocean is like talcum powder. I was all over the Caribbean like a goddam teste rash.

Mexican people, well the ones in Cancun that I encountered, are so warm & friendly, it nearly made me sick in my own hand. I kept getting asked if I was from Germany because of my blue eyes. One man in the airport told me I was a beautiful. However, I am pretty sure he just wanted to ram some cocaine up my anuses & use me as a drug transportation vessel.

Unlimited food & drink 24/7, is my kind of paradise. I had approximately 147 Strawberry Margarita's & 53 Pina Colada's & 92 Carona's. Salut muthafuckas.

I've never stayed in an all inclusive resort before so as you can imagine, upon arriving at Fiesta Americana Condessa, I shat in my own pants from wonder & delight at the gloriousness I was seeing. The Resort was amazing. I have absolutely zilch complaints from our entire stay there.

It's hot as hell in Cancun. I fainted once. Not because I'm unfit but because the sun tried to fry my brain in my own skull. On the coast it's balmy & bearable but I was still sweaty in places too polite to mention. Like my butt crack & front bum, inner thighs & back. Basically everywhere I have skin pores. The day we went to Chichen Itza was the day I passed out. It was about 40 degrees Celsius & regardless of the fact I was downing a shit tonne of water & wearing a hat to keep the monster sun off my head, towards the end of our tour I was stumbling around the Mayan ruins like a drunkard. Luckily Blake caught me before I face planted into the dirt. He was protecting his investment. Ha.

The Mayan Ruins we did visit (Tulum & Chichen Itza), were so bloody magical. I'm not really into history but these places were really something else. I managed to stay interested for the majority of the tours we went on, until the sun tried to kill me, then I was so gone. Blake took about 50,000 photos of the ruins & because of my terrible short term memory I can not tell you anything about them. Good old Uncle Google will be happy to fill you in on everything I can't remember.

I went snorkeling in an Eco Marine Park & in the actual ocean. I haven't snorkeled much in my life but holyshit y'all I think I have discovered my new favourite water sport. I spent hours snorkeling around the reefs & lagoons, marvelling at the copious amounts of tropical fish.  It is one of the coolest things I have ever done & I can not wait for summer to return so I can snorkel in my own ocean ghetto.

I went to a mexican Walmart. Yes I did. Our first day there we were free to rest up & do what we wanted. We met a young couple from Canada who informed us that Walmart is the best place to buy cheap souvenirs to take home to family & friends. Yes we are cheap bastards. Anyway, I got quite flappy excited & we caught the bus to Walmart. That was near death experience that we'll leave for another post.

We spent two hours in Walmart. It was so shit but so great all at the same time. The highlight was when my mother in-law picked up a wooden flute from the musical souvenirs section & rammed it in her piehole, proceeding to blow a tune on it. Blake & I were horrified at the potential mouths that had previously sucked on said flute & informed her that she would most definitely get AIDS of the mouth. Also I was quite taken by their excellent air con & utilised the time to aerate my sweaty bits.

The only thing I can think of off the top of my spacey head that I didn't like about Cancun was that something smells there. Like sulphury baff farts. Every now & then you get a big whiff of it & it seriously singes your nose hairs. I am not 100% sure what it's from. You especially notice it when on the bus heading to/from downtown Cancun. Me thinks it may be something to do with their sewer system? Hence why I only drank bottled water the entire time we were there. I'd already been reamed by a stomach bug thank you.

I got bitten on the ass by a centipede. At Cancun International Airport as I was about to fly to Buenos Aires. I don't know how it got in my pants in the first place but suffice to say, when I saw the multi legged bastard crawling across the sleeve of my hoody not 10 minutes after being bitten on the ass by a mysterious insect I could not locate, I freaked the fuck out. I had not long bid a tearful adieu to my hubs & mother in-law as they were flying from a different terminal to LA. I wasn't going to see them again til we met up in Auckland Airport in NZ & upon discovering the Centipede, decided that I was going to die & probably arrive home in a body bag with a gangrenous poisoned ass cheek. Fuck a bitch.

As it turned out, it wasn't poisonous. And I didn't get gangrene in my ass cheek & die. Sweet.

Cancun was AMAZING. Obviously we all knew it was going to be right? I really hope I can go back there some day.

But for now I am home.  And I'm always happy to be home. In the coming weeks you will be hearing from me more than often. This is not optional, it is going to happen.

I'm not going to put all my holiday pics on this post because combined we had like 800. But if you want to check them out, click on my Facebook link below. I have to warn you that they aren't in order. Even though I spent about 5 hours putting them in order. Facefuck had other ideas & messed them all up again. Dick.

I will also ask that you please put on a pair of sunglasses. The reason being is that I am quite possibly the whitest human you will ever see & in some photo's I'm wearing my togs. It's possible the blinding glare of my porcelain skin may leave you with irrepairable damage to your retinas. I don't want to be responsible for that kind of pain.

See my Cancun photo's here. If it doesn't work, don't go hatin on me.

I didn't do a monthly giveaway last month. Because I was neck deep in work bullshit & didn't have time. So I will do two the 1st of May. Whoop!

Check y'all laters.

Peace, love & Centipede bitten ass cheeks,

P.S My darling Johi, no babies were made on this Cancun trip due my my feral vagina deciding to unleash it's menstruation fury. Yet another timing fail x