Thursday, April 12, 2012

I'm not scared of much. Just getting my face eaten by a Mexican tree cat.

In between my backend exploding uncontrollably like a thermal geyser & projectile vomiting out my pie hole, I thought I take the time to bid you all adieu as I depart on my Mexico trip.

I went home sick from work yesterday with a gut bug. At first I thought maybe it was just a little anxiety but then I started getting hot & cold sweats & not able to keep water down. Somewhere in the universe, some twisted sonofabitch is having a laugh at my expense. Not funny you fuck!!

The good news is that it seems to have passed. I ate a banana about an hour ago & it hasn't come back up yet. *fistpump

I'm not afraid of much in life apart from feet & sweaty hands. And Gorillas. And being stuck on a plane for 12 hours with diarrhoea. The scariest thing in the bush in NZ is a possum. Or an Orc. But lets be real now, Orcs only kill Hobbits. And I am way taller than those hairy footed carni people. If threatened, a possum will rearrange your face with it's razor sharp claws. However I have never heard of this happening to anyone. And I have come across many possums. Mainly artistically mashed into the back roads of rural New Zealand.

When the time comes to depart the safe hub of my motherland, I spend hours (no lie) scouring the net for a heads up on what could possibly eat me/bite me/sting me in the country of which I am about to visit.

This is a relatively new type of paranoia for me. Something changed in me when I got married that made me scared of foreign nature.

It may have something to do with the bevy of curious insects that tried to kill me when I was in Africa.

My first run in was with some fire ants. We have ants in NZ. Small suburban black ants. But they don't bother us humans. They just get on with their shit & we get on with ours. We co-exist in peace. And if any want to get up in my business, it's nothing a good old stomp or ant bait won't fix to pull them back in line. Much to my hippy husbands disgust, I'm not abhorred to showing bugs their place in the universe. And there place is nowhere near me.

Fire ants move at approximately 300km an hour. And when they bite you, your skin feels like a faulty Chinese cigarette lighter has spontaneously combusted in the back pocket of your pantaloons. This has never actually happened to me before but one can only imagine it would hurt like a bastard.

I tried my hardest to dodge the fire ants. Mainly by long jumping over the frenzied red masses on the pavements. Somehow, beyond the realms of gravity, the fire ants still somehow managed to get on me. I was terrified of them. I even had my trainers float beside me in the pool so I could put them on before I got out.

And then there are the giant bitey ants. They are HUGE. And they invaded our apartment when we were staying in a game reserve. We couldn't get rid of them, so avoided them as best as we could. This included my wearing shoes in my sleep & wrapping myself like a hot dog in my blankets while I slept.

Bees are fucking stupid. I know they are natures workers & all, but they are also a pain in my ass. I could be standing in a circle with 1000 people singing Kumbayah & a bee will locate me & begin it's dance of terror raid. I don't know what the deal is with me & bees. But I obviously have something they want. I do not know what that something is.

Africa has a type of waspy bee bastard called a Hornet. If a Hornet decides it wants to sting you, it will dive bomb the shit out of you until you are so tired from fuck kicking it mid air, that you will willingly lay down let it have you.

We also spent a night staying on my husbands cousins pecan nut farm in the ass end of nowhere. From the moment we pulled into the driveway I knew I was in for one hell of a night in the wilderness. The old homestead was surrounded by avocado trees. I asked, out of curiosity, if they ever had any spiders frequent their homestead, to which they answered, only the odd rain spider once or twice a year & a few snakes. It was at this stage that I emptied a whole can of bug off all over my body.

And during that night of fear I came across TWO rain spiders, a big bitch dragon fly that tried to eat my eyes while I was sleeping & learnt about the wiley ways of the tic. Two words. FUCK THAT. I am NOT cut out for natures fury.

Mexico itself houses a plethora of bitey killer bugs & mammals. I am not even scared of being caught in a druglord shoot out, I can pump a pistol with my eyes removed. However when it comes to bugs, snakes & jaguars, it's a whole other story. I have researched thoroughly & I do not plan of having a close encounter with any of the following.

Deer Tics. Teste Fly. Brown Recluse Spider. The Pussy Caterpillar. Assassin Bug. The Screw Worm Fly. Coral Snakes. Malaria totin' mosquito's. Ocelot. Mexican Wolf. Jaguar. Mexican Black Bear.

What in the frigging hell is up with all you other countries & your furious feral wildlife?? 

Right now, I'm just concentrating on not shitting my pants every time I sneeze.

See ya'll when I get back. I'm sure I will have loads of stories & photos to share when I get back. And hopefully none of those stories will involve me sharting myself or vomiting into my own handbag.

Adios Amigos!!

Love all you bitches hard out.

P.S I know I giveaway a prize at the start of every month....I will do it when I get back. Promise x


  1. Have a fabulous, shit-free vay-cay, Bex. The only thing you have to worry about in Mexico is the water. Drink that shit from the tap and you'll have the Hershey squirts like fucking Vesuvius.

  2. I don't like to make assumptions, but I think you meant to mention a tsetse fly, not a teste fly? Also a fly named after the male gonad might be interesting..... :)

    Have a fantastic (and safe) trip! Looking forward to hearing about your travels.

  3. Bugs scare the holy fuck out of me. All of them. I have a feeling you will be perfectly safe from Mexican tree cats, but I would avoid the water unless it's bottled and sealed when you get it. Also... don't be tempted to put anything in your butt and cross into the US for extra spending money. It is not recommended. Have a great trip!

  4. Snakes. Snakes scare me. And stupid people. They scare me worse.

  5. Hope you feel better. Have fun on your trip! Don't drink the water and make sure that the bottled water is still sealed when you get it. We have brown recluses in the U.S. too, so kill any spider that looks brown, orange, or you can see through it. Other than that I hope you have a more pleasant trip then the ones you mentioned.

  6. Don't forget to add water to the list of things to avoid while in Mexico. You drink the tap water in Mexico and your gut bug will look like a common cold in comparison.

  7. I hope you have a super rad time. Just avoid going out into the jungle. Stay at the resort, drink bottled water and lots of margaritas and lounge by the pool. You will be fine. See you when you get back!!

  8. The Pussy Caterpillar & Assassin Bug. Sounds like some kind of fucked up comic villain and side-kick duo. WTF Mexico. Have an awesome time Bex! You deserve it!

    P.S. Yay we got internet back and no more power cuts in the Feej!

    Peace out. xx

  9. Have a great time! My uncle saw a coral snake once and "just had to touch it because it was so beautiful" - the snake promptly turned around and bit his thumb. Luckily it was an adult snake and didn't release all its venom into him - apparently they become more conservative with age. Baby ones on the other hand, bite down and inject it all... so stay clear of those!

  10. Bah, you won't see any of that. My parents are from Mexico, and we'd spend a month there every year during my childhood, and adolescence. The bees are assholes there, though. So make sure to carry a tiny knife to defend yourself.

  11. The Pussy Caterpillar? I'd like to see that!
    Have a fab time Bex.

  12. Hobbits ARE hairy footed carni people, you funny you. Okay, I live in Africa, did a camping road trip for a year once and I also have something bees want. I wonder what we have?! I know how big a rain spider is, how intent on stinging you a hornet can be and what tics are all about. I wish I didn't. But I think you have dealt with the worst, Mexico will be a breeze. Buy a mossie net, one of those beekeeper hats and dont drink the water. Ah, you'll be fine :) Seriously, enjoy enjoy.

  13. Only you would get a stomach bug BEFORE going to Mexico! And your description of a fire ant bite is very apt... except that the fiery exploded cigarette lighter NEVER GOES OUT. Remind me to show you the scar.

  14. Bon voyage, Bex! Oh wait, that's French. Adios, Amiga! You're gonna have such a great time in Mexico that you'll forget all about the other shit. Oh wait. You know what I mean. The other crap. Damn.
    Have a great trip! LOTS OF PICTURES ARE REQUIRED!!!!

  15. Have a great time! Can't wait for pictures. In all seriousness, avoid a Brown Recluse Spider. You'll end up in a hospital and it can be fatal.

  16. Have tons of fun in Mexico... I can't wait to see the pics when you get back!

  17. Mexico is awesome.. And it's WAY too humid for bugs to bother you. Mostly they just hang by the mixed drinks. So if you find them bothersome, simply pour out some of your drink on the ground for your multi-legged homies.

    But, seriously... otherwise they get mad. And I'm pretty sure they are "in" with housekeeping. Those bitches have the fucking keys.

    Anyway... Have a great time!



  18. I am officially Jealous and want to move to your country. All you have are suburban ants??? COOL. We get all kinds of shit over here in America and it differs according to location. The south is the WORST. There are cockroaches in Florida that are as big as the bed they scurry under. They are technically called Palmetto bugs and I guess that is supposed to make them sound less intimidating. Hm. I just thought of something: between the palmetto and the cockroach, the roach is the smaller of the two. MAYBE it's like men: Small men have that Napoleon complex going on and are arrogant and feel the need to brag about non-existant shit. Maybe the roach puts COCK in front of its name to make him FEEL BIGGER.


I love reading your comments. Comments are sexy.