In between my backend exploding uncontrollably like a thermal geyser & projectile vomiting out my pie hole, I thought I take the time to bid you all adieu as I depart on my Mexico trip.
I went home sick from work yesterday with a gut bug. At first I thought maybe it was just a little anxiety but then I started getting hot & cold sweats & not able to keep water down. Somewhere in the universe, some twisted sonofabitch is having a laugh at my expense. Not funny you fuck!!
The good news is that it seems to have passed. I ate a banana about an hour ago & it hasn't come back up yet. *fistpump
I'm not afraid of much in life apart from feet & sweaty hands. And Gorillas. And being stuck on a plane for 12 hours with diarrhoea. The scariest thing in the bush in NZ is a possum. Or an Orc. But lets be real now, Orcs only kill Hobbits. And I am way taller than those hairy footed carni people. If threatened, a possum will rearrange your face with it's razor sharp claws. However I have never heard of this happening to anyone. And I have come across many possums. Mainly artistically mashed into the back roads of rural New Zealand.
When the time comes to depart the safe hub of my motherland, I spend hours (no lie) scouring the net for a heads up on what could possibly eat me/bite me/sting me in the country of which I am about to visit.
This is a relatively new type of paranoia for me. Something changed in me when I got married that made me scared of foreign nature.
It may have something to do with the bevy of curious insects that tried to kill me when I was in Africa.
My first run in was with some fire ants. We have ants in NZ. Small suburban black ants. But they don't bother us humans. They just get on with their shit & we get on with ours. We co-exist in peace. And if any want to get up in my business, it's nothing a good old stomp or ant bait won't fix to pull them back in line. Much to my hippy husbands disgust, I'm not abhorred to showing bugs their place in the universe. And there place is nowhere near me.
Fire ants move at approximately 300km an hour. And when they bite you, your skin feels like a faulty Chinese cigarette lighter has spontaneously combusted in the back pocket of your pantaloons. This has never actually happened to me before but one can only imagine it would hurt like a bastard.
I tried my hardest to dodge the fire ants. Mainly by long jumping over the frenzied red masses on the pavements. Somehow, beyond the realms of gravity, the fire ants still somehow managed to get on me. I was terrified of them. I even had my trainers float beside me in the pool so I could put them on before I got out.
And then there are the giant bitey ants. They are HUGE. And they invaded our apartment when we were staying in a game reserve. We couldn't get rid of them, so avoided them as best as we could. This included my wearing shoes in my sleep & wrapping myself like a hot dog in my blankets while I slept.
Bees are fucking stupid. I know they are natures workers & all, but they are also a pain in my ass. I could be standing in a circle with 1000 people singing Kumbayah & a bee will locate me & begin it's dance of terror raid. I don't know what the deal is with me & bees. But I obviously have something they want. I do not know what that something is.
Africa has a type of waspy bee bastard called a Hornet. If a Hornet decides it wants to sting you, it will dive bomb the shit out of you until you are so tired from fuck kicking it mid air, that you will willingly lay down let it have you.
We also spent a night staying on my husbands cousins pecan nut farm in the ass end of nowhere. From the moment we pulled into the driveway I knew I was in for one hell of a night in the wilderness. The old homestead was surrounded by avocado trees. I asked, out of curiosity, if they ever had any spiders frequent their homestead, to which they answered, only the odd rain spider once or twice a year & a few snakes. It was at this stage that I emptied a whole can of bug off all over my body.
And during that night of fear I came across TWO rain spiders, a big bitch dragon fly that tried to eat my eyes while I was sleeping & learnt about the wiley ways of the tic. Two words. FUCK THAT. I am NOT cut out for natures fury.
Mexico itself houses a plethora of bitey killer bugs & mammals. I am not even scared of being caught in a druglord shoot out, I can pump a pistol with my eyes removed. However when it comes to bugs, snakes & jaguars, it's a whole other story. I have researched thoroughly & I do not plan of having a close encounter with any of the following.
Deer Tics. Teste Fly. Brown Recluse Spider. The Pussy Caterpillar. Assassin Bug. The Screw Worm Fly. Coral Snakes. Malaria totin' mosquito's. Ocelot. Mexican Wolf. Jaguar. Mexican Black Bear.
What in the frigging hell is up with all you other countries & your furious feral wildlife??
Right now, I'm just concentrating on not shitting my pants every time I sneeze.
See ya'll when I get back. I'm sure I will have loads of stories & photos to share when I get back. And hopefully none of those stories will involve me sharting myself or vomiting into my own handbag.
Love all you bitches hard out.
P.S I know I giveaway a prize at the start of every month....I will do it when I get back. Promise x