How to not be a dick on a plane.

It is true, like the Incredible Hulk, I am pretty much angry all the time. But also like him (The Avengers version of him), I tend to keep my hate rage in check as much as I can.

However, after spending a large amount of time trapped inside a flying tin can of doom in recent years, I've decided it's time to educate the masses on how to not be a dick on a plane. Because quite frankly, people on planes rip my tits in a variety of ways.

Snakes on a plane I can handle. A bunch of dicks on a plane I simply can not.

Your carry on bag is the size of my car.
It never fails to astound me the size of some people's carry on luggage.

I take a shoulder backpack when I travel long haul. And my handbag. Sometimes if I'm feeling extra adventurous, I jam my handbag INSIDE my backpack. My carry on bag normally contains clean undergarments (cos no one likes to sit beside a stinky steam hole), banger/body wipes (again for aesthetic reasons & courtesy to fellow travellers), a book, some moisturiser, snacks, my ipod & a big ass bottle of water. This all fits nicely within the confines of my travel pack.

I'm not planning on dressing up like a Vegas show girl & can canning down the aisle whilst 30,000 feet in the air, or putting on a complimentary magic show, with rabbits & turtle doves. Hence, why I don't need to take much on board the plane. I choose to travel light.

I would like to know why it is necessary for some people to bring a huge fuck off suitcase as their carry on luggage, then proceed to get pissy pants when they find they can't shove it in the overhead compartment because it's too big? Question: Does your hoard of crap weigh less than 7kg as legally required by the *WAA (World Aviation Authority)? No it does not you asshole! Your bag weighs the same as a baby rhino. And if our plane goes down on the way to wherever we are going due to masses of excess shit you insist on carrying, I am cutting off your leg with my plastic aero catering knife & beating the living snot outta yo ass with your own severed leg.

* The WAA does not exist. I made it up. I got carried away being creative & all.

I watched on in awe, as person after person, with their stupid giant carry on suitcase, got on the plane then proceeded to either take up the entire overhead storage compartment or need assistance from the flight attendant to ram their clearly over sized bag into said bag holder.

What the hell is wrong with you!!? Have you got emergency supplies packed in your gargantuan asshole bag because you are so anxious the plane might just shit itself & nosedive into the wilderness? Are you planning on keeping the entire plane load of people alive with all of your bullshit? You really truly suck. Like an extra large carry on bag filled with dicks kinda suck.

Some of the bags I saw while on my way to/from Cancun were bigger than my actual suitcase. The suitcase checked in at the check in counter where big suitcases are supposed to be left. And on one of my flights, I had to have my own small backpack put in a locker about 2 miles away from my seat because all the douchebags around me insisted on taking up ALL of the designated space with their giant space raping bags.

Respect your fellow flyer's people & either check that shit in with your other luggage or practice some goddamn minimalism. The only things you really need in the air is good air con, a life jacket, an oxygen mask & a little prayer to Jesus that the pilots didn't get on the chop the night prior or have some sort of narcotic dependency issue. Don't drink & fly homies!

Don't get insane in the membrane on the vino pre-flight por favor.
On my way home from Buenos Aires, I had the great unpleasure of sitting beside an extremely inebriated man wank. For a while I thought I was going to have 2 whole seats to myself for the entire 14 hours back to NZ, however, just as the gate was closing a baldy drunk fuck stumbled up the aisle & planted his ass right beside yours truly.

He turned towards me, & spat a wootanged to buggery 'Hello' right at my face.

I was horrified.

Not only was he nearly in an alcohol fuelled coma, but he was also glad eyeing me up like a piece of prized beef.

I had two options. Either I killed him right then & there, or I plied him with even more alcohol in hopes he would bomb out for the whole flight.

Due to my fear of being pack raped by a tag team of butch lesbianess crims in an Argentinian woman's prison, I chose the legal & less bloody route. And I succeeded. It slept. Huzzah!

The only downside was, he stunk like the carpet in a nudie bar at 3am on a Sunday morning. Stale cigarettes, vagina's & cheap red wine.

SEE...I DEADED HIM.

AND I NEED TO TELL YOU IN CAPS LOCK.

Once he fell asleep, I basically spent the whole flight home hugging the the window side of my seat. There was no way in hell that that dirty drunk was touching me. It was uncomfortable & I'm pretty sure I re-broke my tail bone, but what I displayed during that flight was the ultimate dedication. Dedication to my own personal safety. Broken ass or not.

And I may or may not have slightly pissed my own pants. Because of his aisle seat status & being in a drunken sleep coma, I could either mount his lap to get to the aisle or wee in my pants. I chose to hold that shit in hardout. 14 hours is a really long time to hold urine in your bladder. I feel I should clarify that.

The moral of this story is to not get drunk before or during your flight. And never travel alone. Because being forced to sit so close to a complete stranger, that you can hear their trapped bogie flappers echoing around in their nasal cavity SUCKS FESTY BALL SAC.

When the seat belt light goes on, that means SIT THE FUCK DOWN.
Basically, the flights attendants do not want to be scraping your mug off the ceiling of the aircraft if the plane decides to dickout for a moment & throw your body around the plane like a grasshopper in an empty coke can. It's for your own health & safety. For reals.

So next time that seatbelt light goes on, & you hear something like 'we ask that all passengers please be seated with seat belts fastened as we make our way through some bad weather/turbulence/death fury lightening storm', sit your backend back in your dam seat man!

Unless you are planning on starting a conga line, then do your thing because I would like to see that.

No one cares if you look like a bag of assholes with matching hair.
Even though I am obviously really good looking, not even I can look awesome all the time.

For me, travelling long haul is not a fashion show. No one can be expected to look their best at all times. If that was the case, I would never be allowed to fly. Ever. I fully embrace aero-ugly.

It never fails to bewilder me, why, 1 hour before a flight is due to land, everyone needs to utilise the 45cmx45cm bathroom facility to doll themselves up? This means dislodging their massive carry on bag from overhead compartment & dragging it behind them like a corpse into the tiny lavatory. I don't know where you stand in there because your bag will take up all the space! Clearly I am still pissed about the bag thing.

A small piece of advice if you please. When you land, before you go through customs, you will pass many many bathrooms. Big bathrooms, with large spacious counter tops & a bevy of toilet stalls. Why not wait & use it? Revel in the glory of space. At no hinder or annoyance to the fellow traveller who's really busting for a piss & has to stand, holding crotch, while you give yourself a half hour Boeing 747 lav makeover.

After you finally get your ignorant ass out of the toilet, the raging death stare the patiently waiting person avec moist undies is giving you, will take atleast 10 years off your life. It's the rules.

I took 30 years off someone's life while on my flight from Argentina to Mexico City. All 3 times I got up to wee, the same whore beat me to it every time. Then she would trap herself in there for approximately 40 minutes each time. Now I'm not sure what she was doing in there, & unless it involved Johnny Depp & masturbation, I really don't care. But when she came out the third time I had to say something to her.

Me: Excuse me. You do realise there's 357 other passengers on this flight that may at some time need to use this here lavatory. Why are you taking so dam long?

Whore: "No hablo Engles".

Me: Fuck you (in my inside voice)

As it turns out, the third time I waited on this girl, she'd left her cellphone sitting by the basin. **So I threw it in the toilet & pressed the suckhole of doom button. You know the vortex flush that makes you grateful that you aren't still sitting on the toilet cos it would clearly suck your inside self right out your bum. Yep, that one.

When I opened the door, she was loitering outside the door. In desperation she asks me in Spanglish if I find her cellphone.

Bitch please.

Me: "No cellphone in here Senorita?". *I shrug my shoulders & walk back to my seat.

I know man. I'm such a bitch. But she needed to learn her lesson. That using your cellphone on a flight & purposely engaging the toilet for longer then necessary is VERY naughty.

I am a one woman vigilante disciplinarian. The Universe will repay me one day, I just know it.

** I didn't flush it down the toilet. Because even though I pretend to be a tough guy asshole, I'm actually not. It's SO annoying.

Standing up as soon as the plane touches down will not get you into the terminal faster than me.
Do you know how I know this? Well I don't have the answers. But I'm just really sneaky like that.

You can bet your hairy bunghole that the head steward will come over the intercom & tell you to sit your ass down until the plane has come to a complete stop.

Then when you least expect it, I will be up, with my backpack on, waiting at the very front to get off that plane. I don't need to piss around wrestling mammoth carry on baggage because, & I think we've already clarified, I got the smarts.

People underestimate my size. They think because I'm a chubs, I am also a human sloth. Not so. I can move like a dam whippet when I need to. And I can shape shift my girth through the most ridiculous small spaces.

I stay seated until the plane stops. And I don't turn my mobile on until they say I can. I abide by the aviation rules, because I want to get in to heaven when I die.

Standing against the baggage conveyor belt like a human magnet is not fair play.
I get stressed out waiting for my bag to come through the flappy plastic things at the baggage claim. I've had my bag go missing before, & I've also had my suitcase vandalised & belongings stolen.

When you have 3 flights in succession to your destination, actually meeting your bag at the other end is a 50/50 chance.

It's really uncomfortable standing round the baggage carasol like a sleep deprived zombie, being stealthily watched over by the uniformed airport security nazis.

I don't like it one bit.

And when the bags start to roll on through, it's on bitches. I will fuck kick, bitch slap & bite may way through the desperate throng. That's how much I love my bag.

I think airports should have a ready-set-go line that all passengers should be kept behind. Once that first bag comes through, they should let off loud noise & release the people. Turn it into a race. Maybe some exciting danger music just to set the mood?

Whoever makes it out uncut & without having to have their bag ramsacked by Customs, is declared the winner. The prize is a sexy front bum cavity search but a celebrity of your choosing.

I already have my top 3 celebs picked out just in case. Ladies, you can thank me later. (With chips or Butterfingers. Email me for my postal address).
1. Richard Kahui. He's hot. No explanation needed.

2. Eric Bana. God Bless Australia.

3. Brad Pitt (yeah I know so predictable but fucking HELLO). In his Troy costume.

OR an Eric & Brad man sandwhich, both in their Troy costumes, even better!! Excuse me while I leave the room to fondle my front bum for a short while.......

JOKES! I didn't really leave the room silly!!! HA.

Contraire to popular belief, you can smell farts in the air.
I know this, because I tested this theory many times on my recent vacation.

I always thought that because of cabin pressure & stuff, that farts were banished on release from anus.

Not so.

I had a bad case of post stomach bug baffs on my way to Buenos Aires. Regardless of my grand efforts to keep farts clenched firmly within my buttocks, I failed miserably. Let me tell you something for nothing, sure you can't hear them due to the loud rumble of the jet engines, but you can most definitely smell them.

I found this out when my seat buddy vomited into his complimentary Aerolineas Argentinas sick bag. At first I thought maybe he suffered from travel sickness. Turns out no. He just has a baby stomach.

I couldn't smell them. Because I bought some tea tree flavoured anti-jetlag nasal spray from the chemist at the International departure terminal. I sprayed so much of that stuff up my head during that flight, I basically blew my brains out. I did not follow the instructions. And in my own desperation to avoid jet lag at all costs, I overdosed, gave myself a bleeding nose, & lost all sense of smell for 24 hours.

Lesson learnt. Next time I will read the directions.

The main tip to plane farting is to sit on the fucker. Trap it with you own butt cheeks like a squirrel & don't you dare move. After about 2 hours the seat cushion with suck up the scent & you will be free to move.

That is all.

Peace, love & aeroplane farts

P.S You know I could've gone on but seriously this post is pretty long. Thank you for sticking it out. I wish I could give you a prize for your amazing stamina. For now, I will gift your with my love. My pleasure.