Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The Asshole Sessions: Part 1

I am constantly faced with an absurd amount of assholery. Gone are the days of assholism being a rarity. It's now, it seems, goddam everywhere. Sometimes, I just shake my head. Or my fist. Holding a rage weapon.

I've decided to make it my duty & create an Asshole file for future reference. We need to stop the assholes.

'We are the world. We are the children. We are the ones who make a brighter day so lets start stabbing'.

In reality I'm all about peace & love y'all. And sex & drugs & rocknroll. Maybe not the drugs part mmmkay.....but everyone has their limits. Even me. And I'm not sure if it's the years slowly eating away my patience or the fact that I really am just a real macoy lady bastard & function better when I hate on everything. I think a combination of both?

I'm am all over the asshole hate rage like an itchy ball sac rash.

Rest Stop Eatery Assholes
On Monday I was passing through a small rural town on my way home from the WestCoast. My mum & I decided to stop at the rest stop restaurant for a well earnt travel snack. The restaurant makes money from the tourists passing through. Because no one would ever want to actually live there due it being colder than a polar bears anus.

Well imagine my disgust when I discover two wrinkly whores having a tea party out of the boot of their car in the carpark of the restaurant. A thermos of tea & a plastic container of cinnamon buns which they pre-prepared at home.

First of all, who is that organised? Only wankers make cinnamon buns & a thermos of tea & plan on stopping in a carpark of a restaurant to consume said cinnamon buns & thermos tea.

And then, & this was the cherry on the proverbial shit cake, one of them goes in & uses the lavatory facilities of the restaurant! Fucking bitches.

I had to close my eyes & bite down hard on my leather handbag strap to prevent myself from marching right on out there & giving them both a titty bitch smack.

The Asshole Machine
I have one giant asshole machine in the back room of my office. It's a male, aptly named, Prick. He is a printer/photocopier/scanner. While many would be floored by his mad skills & versatility, I know better & hate on him so dam hard every. single. day.

Not only does he suffer from severe mental illness (schitzophrenia) but he also has a constant constipation problem. I find myself fisting his machine asshole at least 7 times a day in an attempt to unblock the paper that he fails to print out. It's dirty job, but due to my lone wolf office status, I am the only man for the job.

I am constantly at war with this prick machine. I have tried the stroke me nicely approach without success. And in recent weeks had to resort to all kinds of violence & verbal abuse just to receive my precious documents.

The IT guys who lease our back office & I have come to a joint conclusion that the only way to fix his problems is with a bottle of gasoline & a match. My inner retarded seal claps with glee at the very thought of this bomb fire.

Little does Prick Machine know, he is to be replaced in the very near future with a bigger, better & sexier female machine. I have pre-warned her that if she does not perform to my high expectations she will die the very same death as Prick Machine. Death by arson.

Sideways Fringe Assholes
This ghastly affliction seems to have hit many people aged between 11-14 years of age. They look like they have been caught in the angry part of a category 4 hurricane.

Now I don't know about you, but I can never trust anyone who purposely hides their forehead behind their hair. I can tell a lot about a person from looking at their forehead. And if they hide it, you know what that tells me, they are a twisted fan of Satan's offspring himself, (* cue danger music) DUN DUN DUN...... Beiber.

We are doomed.
And what revolts me even more, apart from the fact that it looks ridiculous, is that these youth manipulate their fringe this way on purpose?

When I was 11, I didn't give a flying fuckflap about hair. I was too busy playing group tennis in the middle of the road, throwing rocks at cattle & cheating on the 40 hour famine by hiding in the school playground eating a bag of chips.

Something has changed since I was a kid. Many things in fact. I told my 13 year old niece if she attempts to design her fringe this way I will commando roll in to her bedroom while she sleeps & hack it off with a rusty pocket knife. I already tolerate the One Direction obsession, weird wolf jersey & hipster glasses, but god help her if she decides to follow the clones & hide her forehead with a wank fringe.

I have not procreated yet. But it's in the pipeline for sometime in the next 2 years. One non-compromise rule on the list of 'Becky's Awesome Crotchling' is NO BEIBER FRINGE. They can punch holes in their facial features or set an asshole machine on fire, but I will not have the asshole sideways fringe being donned by any human child of mine. Not on my watch.

Harmonica Assholes
To summarise how I feel about Harmonica Assholes, I took a leaf out of my funny as shit brother from another mother's blog, Mr Social Assassin, & penned a Haiku.

An aurally assaulting asshole weapon
Harpooning my ears repetitively bleeding ears
Jammed up jacksie without hesitation

During the weekend while judging at music awards down the coast, I witnessed a couple of young people banging out a tune on the harmonica. While it may have seemed on the outside I was thoroughly enjoying myself, it was in fact all a facade. I found myself sitting within spitting distance of the expensive sound system for the entire weekend. The resounding constant shriek of the harmonica performances pierced my ear scrotum & shattered my old lady bones.

These kids were talented yo. Oh my fuck were they talented. They could rip that harmonica like a seasoned pro. While the judgey judgerson within watched them intently with my foot a tappin, my precious ears were dying & crying tears made entirely of blood.

I don't think anyone on this planet can say they haven't at one time in their life blown/sucked the shit out of a harmonica & nearly choked to death when some foreign chunk of something flew in their gullet. Harmonicas harbour chunky bits which when sucked on by a persons piehole become dislodge & go on a rampage with a mission to kill. They are a health & safety hazard. The end.

Tights as pants Assholes
The only thing I have to say about this is that if you willingly choose to commit one of life's ultimate fashion crimes & wear a pair of tights as pants, for the love of god please wear a long shirt that will hide your vagina currently gobbling on the crotch of your tights.

I died a million deaths as I watched 3 teenage girls walk on stage during the weekend wearing tights as pants. They performed an entire song wearing pants as tights. In front of a paying audience. And I could not look away.

Whoever thought it was a good idea needs to be eternally smited.

I wave my flag proudly & loudly for beave monster education.

Vaginas aren't created to consume material. You are screaming out for a yeast infection. And I for one do not want to witness your angry growler attacking your pants like a rabid wolf dog. Just saying.

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I've been quiet since I've been back from my vacay.
Balls deep in the bullshit that is work, buying a new car (oh my shitbags I squee in my lady garments just thinking about it's awesome) & doing music stuff.

Plus I was just straight up tired as a hooker for many many days.
But now I'm back. Holla!

While the above ranting may give the impression that I did not enjoy my music stuff filled weekend, that is not the case. Some highlights included watching two down syndrome people sing a beautiful duet. It made me realise that music really does lift us up & unite us.

And I was also privy to a rather handsome man boy with a stupid amount of hair sing the most amazing version of a song I like. He gave me tingles in my special places. I know for a fact that I wasn't the only lady judge that felt magic in the pants region.

Right so we have some business to attend to. The Winner Wednesday prizes. I have missed March & April so today I have 2 prizes to announce. Behold the glory......

The Winner for March is: The Transformed Non-Conformist himself, Mr Brett Minor


The Winner for April is: My Twitter PIMP & sexy South Florida Filmmaker, Dan Perez.


Both of you take one of these....

A Bullet Ice Cube Tray for that Killer drink & a Stressbeater Knuckle Duster.
Courtesy of my friends at Mighty Ape.


Guys if you can both please email me your postal addresses & I will get these bad boy prizes in the mail as soon as humanly possible.

It seems my awesome bought all the boys to the yard. Well done fullas!

If you want to go in the draw for my kickass mystery monthly giveaway, all you got to do is follow my blog. Too easy. Bribery has not failed me yet. Huzzah!

But seriously, it's my way of saying thanks for being a good bastard & for being my secret Internet friend.

Peace, love & tingles in your special places













23 comments:

  1. Ugh, who doesn't have some kind of asshole machine at their job?!?! I definitely do. I would like to stab it. Repeatedly.

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    1. You are welcome to the fucker in my back office. Although his days are numbered I'd really like to torture his soul before he gets murdered.

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  2. I will have you know that I am at my hairdresser as I type this, getting my locks re-blonded. Ahhh. I read this out loud and we are laughing so so so hard at this post. Love you so much.
    P.S. Neither or our vaginas gobble fabric. We thought that you would like to know....

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    1. I'm glad & relieved. We need to keep the world pants gobbling vagina to a minimum. And hopefully fully eradicate by the end of 2013. Spread the word sister x

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  3. Oh hon . . . leggings as pants. You are so preachin' to the choir, ma sistah! Did you see my post that was specifically focused on pictures of woman wearing leggings as pants (and a lot of uggs as well, oddly)/ A couple weekly whackeds back. Check it out if you missed it. Prepare for massive eye bleeding.

    Congrats to the boys. Jealous. I could so use some stress knuckles right about now. LIke, a lot.

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    1. Oh I read that post Misty. And I vomited into my hand. And wearing uggs or hobo slippers is a double whammy shame crime. They should be arrested, charged, jailed, beaten to death with their nana stink shoes (inside shoes) but not before being given the ultimate vag ripping wedgie from their tights as pants. That'll teach em.

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  4. This is awesome. I sat to read a few blogs before going to bed and found my name in there. Thank you.

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    1. My pleasure sir! Glad to share some joy on a mediocre mid week day.

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  5. I think you should subject the dick machine to the same treatment given to the one from Office Space... it's the perfect end for the asshole it is.

    PS - glad to see you back!

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    1. Hmm not sure what Office Space is? You know we've only just got TV on this side of the earth right?

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  6. It must have been shit being a soldier during the war. Not only were you at risk of a horrible death but every time there was a quiet bit in between the fighting then some dickhead always pulled out a harmonica and started playing mournful tunes. I think I'd have started lobbing grenades around just to drown it out.

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    1. I would have been a terrible soldier. I'm with you on the grenade throwing. Preferably at the person playing it.

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  7. I am growing out my bangs, even as I type.
    (And big congrats to the boys! Bex gives the best prizes!)

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    1. I would have to agree that my taste in gifts is pretty spectacular. I'm not akin to bangs as such, just horizontal bangs.

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  8. I saw a couple of wanked-out bitches at Taco Bell who brought their own sodas. Who the fuck BRINGS a soda to a fast food restaurant? Way to keep it thrifty, bitches. I wanted to squeeze hot sauce in their eyes and bludgeon them with a tostada.

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  9. Holy Crap - as the proud owner of an almost 10 year old daughter, I freaking cringe at the shit parents let their kids wear. Not only do I NOT want to see your ovaries, I would like for you to put your ass back in your pants.

    Also, we went out to dinner with the kiddes the other night, and another family came in the restaurant carrying McDonald's bags for their kids while they sat down to order their meal of the menu for themselves. Twats.

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  10. I never win anything! This is one of the greatest days of my life *sniffle*. Thank you, my dear. Surely, in the next life we'll have a steamy affair that will end with somebody being murdered and you and I driving off a cliff with the cops hot on our tail (kinda like in "Thelma & Louise").

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  11. I don't get the horizontal bang/helmet hair, either. Personally, I think it would be claustrophobic to have that hairstyle.

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  12. I love you for not allowing any child of yours to style their hair like Bieber (however you spell is name). Unbearable... totally unbearable!

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  13. Oooh, I love it when you get angry!! We share a deep love for some serious hatin'-on-fools agression and you've delivered once again sister!! And you seem to have a real talent for this Haiku thing - get some more entries in, you KNOW you want to win a prize off me so hard it hurts more than a tights-as-pants bungee-wedgie....
    And on that cheap-ass food thang, can I just state for the record that I have come out of my kitchen on hearing of customers doing this, and told them to fuck off out of my restaurant. We're not called Picnic Stop for a REASON, asshats. Next one of you who tries it gets cut, I swear......

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  14. Between you and Kev I don't have to complain and I may even ask you to write a scathing email to my sister telling her how she is a detriment to my nephew by letting him wear skinny jeans and shaggy hair... ugh!

    Seariously though, kill the prick in the most harmful way possible. If you need help' I am here for ya...

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  15. I do believe that you just formally gave me permission to murder your nephew? And I'm not even weirded out by that at all. We must be friends.

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  16. I'm thinking my sister, there is yet time to reverse damage done to the poor lad and I blame her for all of it.

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