My Saturday morning shit list: 14th May

1: Exploding boxes of washing powder. I pulled the tab as instructed, washing powder explodes in my face & in to my right eye. It's like having sand in your eye except this sand is made of soap & chemicals & it stings like shit. It's also not edible. Not a good time.

2: Bruno Mars. First of all he looks like a Carnie. Any man that pushes a piano around town saying he'll 'catch a grenade for ya' needs his head read. Especially when the lady of his affections is actually humping someone else. I also don't like 'The Lazy Song'. Apart from the fact that it's way overplayed on mainstream radio, he sings that he likes to have some really nice sex with some chick while singing with 5 other dudes wearing monkey masks. That's just straight up creepy weird. Plus he does really look like a Carnie with Elvis hair. And I don't like monkeys.

3: Mylanta. I used to think it was only for old wrinkly fat people. Not so. It's kind of like eating chalk. Which I have a weird urge to do from time to time.

4: Home hair dying kits. This is an official request. If you see me walking around the supermarket with a box of at home hair dye in my hand/trolley/basket, then you have my permission to running fuck slap me & take it off me. Please I beg you. I have ranga/ginge/morange roots right now after I tried to blond them. I never learn.

5: The Friday morning rubbish truck. I know you are only doing your job man but seriously why start at 530am? Most of the country is still sleeping then. Including me & everyone else at the motel. Yet you proceed to empty the Anchor Bar & Grills SHITTY RUBBISH BINS which coincidentally are right outside our bedroom window AND full of glass bottles & stinky garbage. It sucks. It wakes me up every time on my day off.

6: The Anchor Bar & Grill. Put your rubbish bins somewhere else. Between the rubbish truck man, the squawking squabbling seagulls, the late night bin swapsies/glass bottle throwing by your staff & the revolting stench, I don't really like you much anymore.

7: Stool samples. The doc is requesting one from me. He gives me the tiniest little plastic specimen container & no instructions. I'm not 100% sure how you are supposed to do this? I need a plan. Husband is a turd phobic & quite disgusted about all this.

8: Ilu or Ily. It stands for I love you if you weren't hip & gangsta & up with the play on how young people talk to each other these days. 10, 11 & 12 year olds all love each other & think every ones so pretty/beautiful & proceed to plaster this 3 letter gushy love fest all over each others Facebook pages. What the fuck? I suppose it's better than shoplifting & smoking crack under the bridge.

9: My mystery illness. I wish it would fuck off.

10: Paying for politicians cars to get fixed if they prang them. I nearly did a little vomit in my mouth when I saw this on the news the other night. It's never ending shit fest & you can bet your ass that when the elections come round I will not be voting for any of these scumbag politicians who DO NOT work for the people of this country like they claim to. They are greedy thieving bastards.

11: The lady at the gym trying to sell my sister metabolism increasing pills in the changing rooms. Well not exactly but she was quick to palm off a business card & say 'call me'. We don't want your nasty pills that have Mexican fat eating worms in them to chew our asses off thanks.

12: How M&M's smell like someone has spewed all over them. Has anyone else ever noticed that? I'm sorry but candy should not smell like vomit.

Go on, buy some & smell them I dare ya.

Bx

NB: The Anchor Bar & Grill is a mean as restaurant. Their food is fab & the guy who owns the place is nice. But I hate their rubbish bins. The end.

Shady Lady Legs

I started shaving my pins when I was about 11. It wasn't intentional but I was always a bit self conscious of the dense blond fur growing on my little lady legs.

My BFF at the time Miss Tasha was my partner in crime. We used to do all sorts of random naughty shit when our parents were at work which included smoking tea leaves, oregano & whatever else was in her mums kitchen herb selection. Smoking was cool & we wanted to do it. I also got my fingers stuck in an electric beater once when we were baking something. She held the beater while I screamed my head off. It never occurred to either of us to turn the thing off. I still have all my fingers so no harm done except now I have a weird fear of electric beaters.

One day when her mum was at work & we were left unsupervised, we decided to shave our legs with some rusty old orange Bic razors that we found somewhere. I think they were even dude razors?


The nasty cutty 'dude' razor

Being a hair removal virg I had no idea what I was doing & when I got home that day I got a major blasting from my mum about the cons of shaving. For example, when you shave your legs the hairs grow back about 100 times as thick & mostly not blond, which if left untended will leave you looking like you've turned into a wolf child. It's a high maintenance business & I was probably slightly too young to take on that responsibility.

20 years on & I have to admit there have been times when my legs get severely neglected. Mr D is so in love with me that he doesn't care that much at all when I turn into Mrs Wolverine for a few days. If he does mind he never complains about it.

I've accidentally cut myself a few times. We all have leg slicing horror stories. The non stop bleeding bastard nicks that need to be wrapped in a whole roll of toilet paper yet still bleed through an hour later. One friend of mine from high school nearly carved her leg open whilst shaving in the bath with glandular fever. Apparently the bathroom looked like a crime scene. She will still have the scar to prove it I'm sure

Bleed no more women of the world. This Venus shaver below is the bomb-digs. I have been using it for over 5 years & not cut myself once. I am a clumsy heavy handed shaver so trust me, to have not cut my giant lady hams in 5 years is flippin amazing. Because of this miracle non cutting ability it possesses I feel the need to tell everyone about it. Even the disposable ones, which I am using right now rock my hairy world.

If you have rebellious young lady daughters please have one of these razors strategically placed in your bathroom because they will go a hunting for a razor one day for sure. If they do, this is the razor you want them to find. My eldest niece shaved her legs when she was 10 I think? Poor girl has been burned with the same blond hairy leg genes as her mum & I. She got teased about it so took matters into her own hands.

Reality is, in inexperienced hands any razor has the potential to cut. In my own personal experience, & I've tried most razors, this one is the best.

Anyone have any gnarly shaving horror stories to share?

Happy shaving pretty ladies! Knowledge is power. Bx

Please note: I'm not being paid to promote Venus Razors. I just like them. Capishe.