Saturday, May 14, 2011

My Saturday morning shit list: 14th May

1: Exploding boxes of washing powder. I pulled the tab as instructed, washing powder explodes in my face & in to my right eye. It's like having sand in your eye except this sand is made of soap & chemicals & it stings like shit. It's also not edible. Not a good time.

2: Bruno Mars. First of all he looks like a Carnie. Any man that pushes a piano around town saying he'll 'catch a grenade for ya' needs his head read. Especially when the lady of his affections is actually humping someone else. I also don't like 'The Lazy Song'. Apart from the fact that it's way overplayed on mainstream radio, he sings that he likes to have some really nice sex with some chick while singing with 5 other dudes wearing monkey masks. That's just straight up creepy weird. Plus he does really look like a Carnie with Elvis hair. And I don't like monkeys.

3: Mylanta. I used to think it was only for old wrinkly fat people. Not so. It's kind of like eating chalk. Which I have a weird urge to do from time to time.

4: Home hair dying kits. This is an official request. If you see me walking around the supermarket with a box of at home hair dye in my hand/trolley/basket, then you have my permission to running fuck slap me & take it off me. Please I beg you. I have ranga/ginge/morange roots right now after I tried to blond them. I never learn.

5: The Friday morning rubbish truck. I know you are only doing your job man but seriously why start at 530am? Most of the country is still sleeping then. Including me & everyone else at the motel. Yet you proceed to empty the Anchor Bar & Grills SHITTY RUBBISH BINS which coincidentally are right outside our bedroom window AND full of glass bottles & stinky garbage. It sucks. It wakes me up every time on my day off.

6: The Anchor Bar & Grill. Put your rubbish bins somewhere else. Between the rubbish truck man, the squawking squabbling seagulls, the late night bin swapsies/glass bottle throwing by your staff & the revolting stench, I don't really like you much anymore.

7: Stool samples. The doc is requesting one from me. He gives me the tiniest little plastic specimen container & no instructions. I'm not 100% sure how you are supposed to do this? I need a plan. Husband is a turd phobic & quite disgusted about all this.

8: Ilu or Ily. It stands for I love you if you weren't hip & gangsta & up with the play on how young people talk to each other these days. 10, 11 & 12 year olds all love each other & think every ones so pretty/beautiful & proceed to plaster this 3 letter gushy love fest all over each others Facebook pages. What the fuck? I suppose it's better than shoplifting & smoking crack under the bridge.

9: My mystery illness. I wish it would fuck off.

10: Paying for politicians cars to get fixed if they prang them. I nearly did a little vomit in my mouth when I saw this on the news the other night. It's never ending shit fest & you can bet your ass that when the elections come round I will not be voting for any of these scumbag politicians who DO NOT work for the people of this country like they claim to. They are greedy thieving bastards.

11: The lady at the gym trying to sell my sister metabolism increasing pills in the changing rooms. Well not exactly but she was quick to palm off a business card & say 'call me'. We don't want your nasty pills that have Mexican fat eating worms in them to chew our asses off thanks.

12: How M&M's smell like someone has spewed all over them. Has anyone else ever noticed that? I'm sorry but candy should not smell like vomit.

Go on, buy some & smell them I dare ya.

NB: The Anchor Bar & Grill is a mean as restaurant. Their food is fab & the guy who owns the place is nice. But I hate their rubbish bins. The end.

1 comment:

  1. That is quite the *ahem* shit list! hahaha But what really got me was the M&M's. I'll definitely never crave those again. Thanks.


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