Monday, May 23, 2011

The Human Barnacle

First off all, please observe this short advertisement for Pink Batts.


The man I have chosen to share my life with is my Pink Batt hug.

I love my husband. More than life itself. I would take a bullet for him (probably) & I would kick the ass of anyone that tried to harm him (definitely). Apart from being a man beaver as discussed in a previous post, he is also a man sized love rash. He loves to love me. And it drives me fucking nuts.

I'm not what you would call an overly affectionate woman. I don't feel the need to be constantly up in someone's business. I do enjoy snuggling, cuddling, smooching & kissing, but in moderation. And on my terms. If I'm over tired, surfing the red wave or just in a bitch ass mood that's a general red flag to stay the fuck away. Not my man. He just loves to get all up in my grill.

I spend the majority of my time at home with a 5'9" 79kg human growth stuck to me.
He's like my very own barnacle. I tell him to bugger off, he just laughs at me & tells me I'm crazy. I walk past him. anywhere in our house, he swipes at me like a monkey from within an exhibit at the zoo. Especially at my booty. I'm cooking in the kitchen & swoops in for a hug fest. I'm sitting on the couch reading/writing/watching tv, he has to be on me. I fight him. And he loves it. He says I make it a challenge for him. I constantly wrestle to get him off me. And while most people may think that this isn't how a husband & wife should be, this is how we are, & we really work.

Here are a few of the one liners he uses to justify his constant love bombing of yours truly.
"I just want to swarm you with my love like bees" - What the fuck?
"This is my secret love position" - while wrapped around me like a baby koala bear as I cook dinner
"I want to roll you up into a little ball & keep you in my pocket" - I'm pretty sure he pilfered one that from the movie Punch Drunk Love.
"I just wanna bite it" - referring to my ass as I walk past him & he grabs at it.
"Your breath smells like you ate a big poo" - No lie. He loves me that much he will tell me when I have shit eater breath
"Let's mate" - he is younger than me. In the prime of his very own sexual revolution. It's fucking exhausting.
"I just want to be all up in your sugar" - Sounds like the name of a really shit song from a really shit boy band.


He is my human barnacle & I love him.

Bx


P.S I'm going to be starting 'I'm a winner Wednesdays'. This will be happening every Wednesday from this week onwards & I will giving away something I like. You must be a follower of my blog first of all to be in the draw & you will never know what the prize is until the day.
 Details to follow in Wednesdays blog post.

Becky truth for today: I once peed in the corner of my best friends garage. We arrived back at hers after a large night on the juice, her house is up half way up a small mountain & I couldn't hold on. It was either doing it in her garage or doing it in my pants. I chose the former. Because no one likes soppy undies.

2 comments:

  1. Bitch you are fuckin' cray cray......lol

    Your posts are hilarious, and when I read your posts I feel as if I am writing them....my husband is a parasite (what you call a barnacle)......always groping and grabbing, and hanging on for dear life....I love it when it's wanted, but when it's not I go into the biggest bitch mode....will they ever get it?.....GAWDDDDDD (rolls the eyes)

    Oh and he doesn't say he wants to bite anything.....he just does

    Bon xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. That's adorable. You're lucky to have a love barnacle.

    ReplyDelete

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