Thursday, May 19, 2011

My Manimal: I live with a Beaver

I know what you were thinking when you first saw the title of today's post. Oh god she's talking about her fanny again. Not so. Read on....

If you have a husband/wife/life partner & you had to choose one animal that epitomises your beloved, what would that animal be?

Well people, I am married to a fucking beaver. A man beaver.

The reason I have a beaver for a husband is pure & simple, he likes to leave small piles of *shit all around our house. I admire that he utilises the tiny space we call our home to the best of his abilities but for the love of god instead of having 10 piles of shit, could we maybe whittle it down to single digits of shit?
*Not the poo kind

At present I can count at least 11 small gatherings of his important man things from where I'm sitting in our lounge. It's like having an obstacle course in my own house.

I have told him on more than one occasion that unless he plans on building me a little house using his tail, out of all his piles of shit, then we need to relocate everything. I will even help him do it. I have actually done this a few times but like the committed man beaver he is, he just begins the pile making all over again.

Sometimes I like to sit & watch him go from pile to pile trying to find a specific item amongst all his crap. He rubs his chin, furrows his brow & generally becomes quite concerned at the prospect of maybe losing one of his treasures. I like to move things just to fuck with him. Don't feel sorry for him though as he does this to me also.

After observing the male species for 31 years, I am happy to inform you that I don't think it's just my man that displays beaver-like qualities. It's men in general. I feel sorry for women who live in a house overwrought with testosterone & boy germs. My Aunt has 1 husband & 2 sons. My friend Katie has 1 husband & 2 sons. As does my sister in law Tenielle. I pray for them all sometimes.

 If I could change a few things about dudes, these would be a few of the more important things on my list.
  • All men would have a zip sewn on to their ass crack at birth. It would be law that when any man goes to bed, the zip gets zipped. I'm sick of my bed smelling like an all night fart party.
  • Pubes. I detest them. Bush maintenance is vital & there are no exceptions. Also please note that scattering your excess trimmed pubes around the bathroom like magic fairy dust is not ok.
  • At the age of 5 it would be a pre-requisite that every boy child must take a class on how to use a toilet brush & how to flush a toilet. Because no one likes to see skids or floaters.
  • Crotch scratching & subtle sniffing of the scratching hand would illegal. If you were busted doing it your wife would be allowed to chop your hand off with a ninja sword. Same goes for boogers.
  • All men are allowed one size-able piece of man space within the home & all your shit must stay within the boundaries of said man space. If anything is caught, spotted or found outside the boundary line, it will be set on fire.
  • Showering once day is mandatory. Especially if one hopes to get ones hand on wife's good bits.
I asked Blake last night, out of interest, what animal I would be if he could choose only one to compare me to. After much careful consideration he said that I would be a lady Lion. He claims this is because I am a wonderful gatherer for our little family of two, if anyone touches my food I will rip their face off & when I'm not roaring my head of at the fucked upness of the world I am yummy to cuddle/bone. Oh & I have nice hair. I'll take that.

Somehow against all odds the beaver & the lion can co-habitate.

What manimal are you or do you have living in your house?

B x

Random Becky fact for today: I live in an apartment at a motel. We don't have to pay rent or any utilities in exchange for one of us always being on the premises (in our apartment) every night after 8pm. We are like the night watchmen except we are allowed to go to bed.


  1. I have 2 boy dogs too, god help me!

  2. LMAO! I got tired of all my hubby's shit. Fighting it was a losing battle so I left. Now I live clean and tidy with no man-farts interrupting my sleep! (BTW, you live for FREE? How awesome is that?)

  3. So after I read your blog I asked my husband what animal he's thinks I am....he said Tigress....which I'm assuming is a female version of a tiger....hahahahaha
    My husband is a Bear.....cause he has fucking hair all over (which I have to shave for him.)
    At least he does his own manscaping.....that's where I draw the line

  4. I live with three boys. I'd rather use a public bathroom than the one in our house of the time.

    And thanks. Your post had me laughing so hard. No lie. :)

  5. Are you sure it wasn't because the female lion does all the work and the male lion is a lazy bum?

  6. The WORST pile is the one you don't know about because you are a foot shorter than your beaver-man. Then one day you are on a stool changing a light bulb in the hallway, and you realise that Every Single Door Frame in the whole place has THINGS on it. Small things: pencils, binder clips, chapsticks, legos... Watch out, shortys - there might be piles you don't even know about.


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