Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Holiday, Celebrate

A little bit of song to get your head in the right space before you read my post today. I'm not miserable like Mr Sandler but his version is so much more heartfelt than cone tits Madonna's version.

Today is day 2 of my 2 weeks leave & gotta tell ya, I'm feeling slightly shit house. I have turned into a snot goblin, with itchy eye balls, angry hair & a body that aches like a kick in the hairy clangers.

I had a dream last night about my first love, Nick the Catholic. In my dream he kidnapped me in his orange Triumph & wanted to take me to his parents 40th wedding anniversary. Pretty normal dream right? Well that was until he told me he also wanted to stick a bag of onions up my vagina. WHAT THE! Then began the all too common dream chase scene. Now in real life for a fatty I can move like a Cheetah if I have to but for some reason in dreams my legs decide to be stupid bitches & refuse to move. Don't get scared though because from somewhere on my person I whipped out a big muthafucker Kill Bill ninja sword & chopped that bitch up. Ain't no man going to stick vegetables up my kooka.

The content of my dream would suggest to some that maybe I have some unresolved issues with that ex boyfriend. Truth is no I don't. Any person who purposely records 'Everybody Hurts' by REM over & over on an 80 minute tape, & actually listens to it, needs get the hell away from me. I woke up & felt my husbands buns to make sure I was definitely only dreaming.

Yesterday as you may know if you read my last post, I had to chase my own poo around the toilet bowl for a stool sample. There is a reason why our bodies get rid of that every day. And it's not something that should have to be touched. I've been somewhat traumatised by that but it helps me to talk about it. Thanks for listening friends.

I've been watching a lot of food network channel. It's like my version of porn. Who needs erections & big gaping holes when I have Bobby Flay Grill King, Big Bum Nigella & Lydia the Italian to entertain me.
I love it!

I've only bought one thing online so far. Praise be to miracles.
This be it. My new Throwzini knife block.
It spoke to my inner psycho & I had to have it.
How cool is this shit?

It normally retails for $189 but I got it for $29.95 off http://www.1day.co.nz/

Today I am going to go to the gym & shake that ass.

I will more than likely have relations with Blake because it's high time I put out. Plus I'm not busy so have no excuse.

I might go & see a movie or start on my new Bryce Courtenay novel that's been collecting dust beside my bed for the last month.

And I will probably do some work. From home. What a fuckhead.


P.S For my new blog friends. From now on at the end of each post I will share something new about myself. I once got molested on a bus in the middle of the day by a drunk tranny. True story. Before he/she could really get her hand on my goodie mound I had punched her in the face. It was a good day.

1 comment:

  1. I love how you went from Madonna, to onions in your vag, to poo, to my lesbian love interest Nigella, to knives, to screwing your husband, to reading, and finally to being molested by a tranny.....I hate to think they all have something in common, but somehow I feel like they are all connected.....in some fucked up way of course


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