Saturday Morning Shitlist: May 21st

1: Don't write a new status on your facebook then 'like' it. Let the people decide.

2: Big boobs. They aren't all they're cracked up to be. Have you ever heard the saying 'tits in a tangle'. Well I would just like to say, for the record, having your tits in a tangle is not a fun time.

3: Masterchef on the TV right in front of my face while I'm working out at the gym. It's kinda taking the piss.

4: Marching Bands. Self explanatory.

5: Communal Laundry's. Finding someone else's pubic hair stuck to your pillow case is not cool.

6: DIY Botox Kits. Nature didn't intend you to fuck with your own face. So why in the world would you buy a DIY Botox kit off the internet & then act all horrified when your lips end up looking like a pair of slimy pink dog diddles. You couldn't pay me enough money to let someone stick needles in my mug thank you very much.

Stay inside lady. You look like a troll doll.

7: Big ass birds. Luckily in NZ we don't really have any big birds. Not any that scare me anyway apart from maybe the Velocoraptor. Blake & I used to be fascinated with these giant seagulls & their uber shits & decided to call them Velocoraptors. I'm not sure of it's proper name but it's like a giant gull & comes in normal seagull colours or shades of brown. There are a lot of Velocoraptors down the harbour where we live. The sit on top of the lampposts watching over the land like the bird police. I'm pretty sure if it wanted to it could peck my head open & eat my brains right out of my skull. Don't trust birds. Especially Emu's & Pelicans. That's all I'm going to say.

Speaking of birds if you would like to read another hilarious blog involving a bird, go here Woogsworld
This lady from across the ditch cracks my shit up.

The Veloceraptor Gull. The Mac Daddy of Seagulls.

8: Fire Alarms. The only time fire alarms should go off is when there is actually a fire. Not just because they feel like it.

9: Pyjama pants that split in the crack. $22 for 2 pairs at The Warehouse. Again, you get what you pay for. This is the second pair of PJ pants I have split in the last months. I felt cold air on the beave this morning & upon investigation found this.......

I'd ripped another pair. In my defence it's not because my ass incredible hulks through them, it's because after a few washes the material weakens & plus sometimes I sit like a man with my legs wide open hence stretching of said weakened material.

10: The little bastard that stole the whole tank of fuel from my friends car last night. First of all I didn't even know you can do that? Second of all, the powers that be in the realm of karma will put you in prison one day, maybe not for stealing petrol but for something worse. Mark my word petrol thief boy you WILL be some big tattooed hairy bogans bitch. On that day, when you are face to face with the scrotum of another man, know that everything has gone full circle.

11: The Spin. We used to have endless shits & giggle type fun with 'the spin' when we were kids. You spin round & around with your arms out. However don't do this when you're drunk regardless of the novelty of having a whole dance floor to yourself. Gravity & the Molotov cocktail of alcohol inside your body will fuck it up & you  may end up smashing into a table then getting forcibly removed from the premises by the fun police bouncers. This happened to a gent at the bar we were playing at last night. He had no one to blame except himself. He ruined his own party & my entertainment.

12: The Rapture. Well just in case you are interested people of the universe, especially the knob jockey preacher in America who claims today is meant to be judgement day, it's nearly lunchtime & I'm still sitting on my couch watching the food network. So unless JC is planning a late arrival he better hurry up because I have to go to work in a few hours. Why do people feel the need to do this I will just never understand. And anyone who is foolish enough to believe this dumb old twat & his blatant scare mongering needs a serious bitch slap.
Oh & in case you have no idea what I'm talking about, Jesus is supposedly coming to earth today to take the all the good guys to heaven. Apparently the rest of us are going to die. How lovely.

And answer me this, seeing as I technically live in the future compared to the preacher, does this mean I will miss out on all the excitement?

Yet another genius idea from the boys at http://www.therock.net.nz/

Peace out & Happy Apocalypse Day!!

Bx


Becky fact for today: If you ever see me performing on stage & I'm singing with my eyes closed, I'm actually having a Sims power nap. I like to utilise my time. And sometimes I just get tired.