Monday, May 30, 2011

My Arch Nemesis

When I was young & my grandparents were still alive, we used to spend nearly every school holiday kickin it at their pad up in Bunnythorpe. Please don't let the name of their tiny town mislead you into thinking it's a cute place where bunnies live. This place was a shit hole. However, my grandparents lived there, & I loved them as much as I loved Barbie & Skittles (that was HEAPS) so I thought B-Thorpe was the bomb digz.

My Granny & Grandad lived in a small street with only about 7-8 houses. The neighbours directly to the left, also family members, had a corgi dog. For the purpose of this post we will call the corgi Barry because I can't remember it's name. Barry had a major attitude problem & whilst he portrayed a happy go lucky corgi dog, he was actually the devil himself covered in fur. I was shit-in-my-pants scared of this midget legged Barry especially when he bit the cats nose off.

What Barry kinda looked like.......

image source

But I thought he looked like this.........

Legend had it that Barry had anger management issues & used to frequently bite people if you got all up in his business or if you just happened to be near him when he had a bitch fit. So when I wanted to go outside & play I used to commando roll along the ground by the fence line so Barry wouldn't detect my presence. It didn't actually matter that he had legs that were about 3 inches high & couldn't actually see over the fence.

Before I even ventured out the back door I used to scan the perimeter of the yard by sticking my head out of the catdog flap that was the frequently used by my grandparents Siamese cat, Teba & Pekingese dog, Misty . If the coast was clear my sister & I would shimmy through the magic little door to Narnia & patrol the yard with a stick, Grandad's shovel, or whatever useful weapons we could get our hands on.
We were soldiers, protecting the land we loved from our arch enemy, Barry the nose biting corgi.

Unbeknown to either of us, Barry would always be asleep inside his house & he didn't care about us unless we were in his hood. I hated that dog with a passion. He never actually bit me, probably because he never got the opportunity. If Barry was out roaming the neighbourhood, I was inside watching his every move from the lounge window. If I was asked to go next door to Barry's house & get something, I would disappear like David Copperfield.

One summer I had to go over to Barry's house for a flower girl dress fitting. I wasn't having any of it but my mum insisted that I went. I decided that she was to be my bodyguard & if the dog decided to go ape shit, she would be first in line for a corgi bite. I spent the whole time at Barry's house trying not to have eye contact with him while he lay on the floor by one of the lounge chairs. I sat rigid & still like a piece of wood hoping that if I didn't move, breath or make a sound he wouldn't even notice I was there. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life. What made matters worse was the cat with no nose was loitering around as a constant reminder of what Barry's fury was capable of.

Later that day, within the safety of my grandparents house, I was watching Barry take a leisurely stroll around their back garden. He must have noticed the curtains moving & while he was mid doggy dump our eyes met. I gave him the bird & yelled 'fuck you Barry' out the window. The adrenaline was coursing through my veins & I felt so proud I'd gotten one over that stupid dog until I realised I had been busted cursing out the window by my Grandma & subsequently summoned to the kitchen for a telling off.

That one particular holiday when Barry bit the cats nose off, we returned home to find Dad had a surprise for us. A fucking corgi dog. This corgi was a pup & black/white & so cute you'd want to vomit. We called her Ebony. And she grew to be a friendly, if not a bit stupid, non biting corgi dog.

A few years later wonderful news came via the parents that Grandma & Grandad had sold their house & moved to another city. I rejoiced quietly that I would never have to see Barry again. He was the thorn in the side of my holiday happiness no more.

That dog will be dead now & even though I don't wish mean things on any animal or human, I hope some angry spirit cat bit his fucking nose off just to teach him a lesson.

Everyone had an animal they were shit scared of as a child.
Tell me about your arch nemesis.......I want to know you.
Not like a stalker though.

Becky truth for today: I like sharks. It's weird I know, but they fascinate me. One day when we go back to South Africa I am going to do a cage dive in Cape Town. I want to see a Great White. Failing that I will be happy to just watch from the side of a big boat.


  1. I was attacked by a german shepherd when I was 7. It got off it's chain, chased me down the street and bit a fricken' hole right through my hand, and chewed up my arm. Nothing happened to that piece of shit till he attacked another kid and bit his ear off. That kid got 300 stitches and the dog was put down. I guess he got what was coming to him..... I would have to say I was scared of that type of dog for a longgggg time. I'm over it now. I volunteer at our city's Humane Society and I deal with shepherd's all the time.

  2. Maybe corgi's are a nasty bunch, in general? My ex got bit by a neighbor corgi that got loose from the confines of its backyard.
    There was a schauzer that was very mean to kids, but only because the little bastard children of its owner constantly tormented him. He liked me better as I got older.
    And that poor noseless kitty!

  3. bahahahahaha do you make this shit up, like seriously flipping him the bird and yelling fuck you ahahahahahahahaha i think i just peed my pants a little.
    Our next door neighbour Leo had a crazy arse ram, for some reason we thought it was a great idea to let it go in our backyard and run away from it as it tried to butt us up the bum. We used to do this ALL the time. It is so insane that I wonder why our parents let us do this, and actually wonder was it real or am i making it up??!! I'll have to ask Kris if he remembers

  4. @Bonnie - I used to have to walk past a house with a mental german shepard everyday on my way to school. I was a police dog & obviously had issues. Anyway it terrified me. All these years later it I can't believe it never occured to me to walk across the other side of the road.

    @Bettyzade - Your dog looks awesome. Hope she recovered from her crash!

    @Punkbaby - My mate got butted by a ram. We used to have to cross a padock to get to her house. I somehow managed to defy gravity & logic & jump a 1.5 metre fence to get away from it. When you are shit in your pants scared of something it's amazing what the body is capable of doing.

  5. I read your posts and they make me absolutely howl with laughter. You are a riot! If you were in "the states," I bet we'd get along. We have the same sense of humor. I just have to tone it down in my blog since people got tired of me attacking myself all the time. LOL!


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