Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Little goon eye & the yeast infection

Yesterday I ventured in to foreign territory. A health shop.
B & I went on a mission after our gym workout to find some spirilina powder for our smoothies. His idea not mine. To be honest I don't really fancy slugging back a smoothie containing a substance that smells like the inside of a whale carcass. Anyhow.......

The first thing I noticed when I walked into the Health shop was the special needs girl standing with her mum at the counter. I know the girl & her mum through my job but the girl doesn't have a clue who I am. While her mum talked to the shop assistant about Henna Hair Dye at the counter, & Blake buggered off to find the spirilina, the girl & I had a bit of Mexican stand off staring competition, well with one of her eyes anyway. The other one was off on the other side of the room eyeing up the toy basket.

Regardless of the fact she has a mental disability, I couldn't help but feel like we had what could only be described as a little bit of a telepathic conversation. This is how it all went down.

Girl: "What are you doing here Becky?"
Me: "Looking for the green powder that smells like whale carcass"

Girl: "Do you like clowns?"
Me: "No I don't like them at all"
Girl: "What about gorillas?"
Me: "I don't like them either"

Girl: "Why are you wearing your mumble pants in public?"
Me: "What are mumble pants little girl?"
Girl: "Mumble pants are tights that suffocate your vag like clingfilm & give you yeast infections"
Me: "Woah I never knew that. I didn't have time to get changed after the gym today"

Girl: "Well you smell like a beef lasagne"
Me: "I just told you, we have been at the gym"
Girl: "Is that why your husband is so sexy?"
Me: "No. He was born that way"
Girl: "Would you be offended if I licked him on the face?" *her good eye makes a quick flick in Blake's direction
Me: "Go for it but he will probably actually taste like beef lasagne"

Girl: "oopsupsidetheheadsayoopsupsidetheheadeverybodysayoopala" *she rocks back & forth for a second
Me: "Were you just singing a line from 1990's hit song 'Oops Up' by SNAP!"  *she shuffles another foot closer to me & nods "I'm impressed. You weren't even born then"

Girl: "Why would your man marry a woman that wears mumble pants in public & smells like she has a beef lasagne hidden in her armpits?"
Me: "Because I let him drag me to Health shops so I can be mind fucked by 12 year old special needs girls & then taken home & have powdered whale carcass rammed down my neck"
Girl: "What evs"

She seemed satisfied with that answer & wobbled off to dribble on the toy basket in the corner.
She still watched me with one eye from the floor like a little plain clothed security guard as I played with the expensive organic dried shark diddle eye detoxifying anti wrinkle cream tester, that I smeared all over my face. I'm going back tomorrow to spend my weekly wage on a tube. My skin feels like it's been shat on by angels.

With my self esteem in tatters we headed home where I put deodorant on & changed into more yeast friendly pants.


Please note: No special needs children were harmed in making of this post. The child in question has an incredibly short term memory that refreshes itself every 20 seconds & she will have no recollection of ever seeing me in her life. I in no way condone making fun of special needs people or anyone with a disability. Nor is it a reflection of my attitude towards them. I love everyone.

Becky Truth for today: I once spent a summer working for a garbage recycling company. I had to stand at a conveyor belt for 9 hours a day sorting through dirty nappies, fanny pads, needles, porno mags & empty milk bottles. This coincidently wasn't the job description that was advertised on the student job website. I threw myself down some steps & broke my foot so I didn't have to go anymore. Actually I lie. I didn't do it on purpose. Fate pushed me.


  1. Thanks for making me laugh my self stupid... I look forward to tomorrows edition.......

  2. that is the best one yet bex bloody crack up lol

  3. Gawdddd......the shit you come up with....can I have some of whatever your having, cause it would make my life wayyyyy more interesting....hahahahah....you are fucked & I love it!!!!!!!

    you know your going to hell for making fun of a special needs child right?.....see ya there biatch!!!!!!

  4. @Bonnie - I accepted my fate a long time ago. I actually text my best friend this morning to ask her if I am going to hell for making fun of a special needs child. I wasn't going to post it then though why the fuck not.

    @Kez - Cheers hun. P.S I still want to steal your son. He is delish!

    @Isaac - Shot bro. You are my first dude follower. Loves x

  5. Mumble pants! I'm dying! hahaha Be nice to your vajayjay.



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