Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Drama on the dramas

I would just like to know, out of all the people I know on this planet, how many of you have been to a wedding when the bride turns round half way up the aisle & fucks off?

I have been to about 254 weddings & I have not seen this happen once. Not one fricking time!!! Yet in the magical land of TV it happens two or three times to nearly every character on every drama. Shortland St (NZ Soap), Coro St, Home & Away, Neighbours, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Desperate House Bitches etcetera.

Most of the story lines are such a load of pissflap. Except I'm exactly like every other 30 something woman, I watch this crap because I choose to. I sit & roar my head off at the TV about how stupid it all is. 99% of the time I can actually predict whats going to happen. And I'm always bang on. My niece thinks I'm magic & that I can see the future.

Last night on Grey's the Asian Doctor Christina married the Ginger Doctor Owen. It was Asians second attempt at walking up the aisle. The first time her fiance at the time (Black Doctor Burke) bailed out at the last minute. As you do.

I have a feeling that my American followers may have seen this episode last year. Yes we are that far behind the 8 ball here in Hobbit Land. We've only just got colour TV & cars with rubber wheels.

Then on Private Practice the Hippy doc Sam & the Ex-slaughter victim Psychologist Violet decided after some crazy sex to get  hitched. Dr Psych decided half way down the ailse that it was all a bit too much & she needed some time out. But after a good talking to by her BFF about life problems she sorted her shit out & married the Hippy Doc anyway. What a fucking drama!!! It's exhausting to watch.

I used to cry at anything even remotely emotional on TV. Mainly weddings. Oh & Biggest Loser. It could be 2 cartoon Baboons getting married & I would howl like a banshee. (I still howl at Biggest Loser). But I have become so de-sensitised to the bullshit story lines of all these dramas that instead of bawling I now spend the majority of these programmes yelling & throwing my shoes at the TV.

Violet, moments before she turned & ran
When I got married I spent the hours leading up to my big moment focusing on keeping the vom down. I was so nervous. It was about five thousand degrees, I was sweating in places that a lady shouldn't sweat & I desperately wanted to get the show on the road. I have no patience.

Not once, not even for one small second did I think whilst walking up the aisle, what the hell am I doing, panic & do the bolt. First of all I had on some fucking ridiculous shoes. So even if I had wanted to run, I literally couldn't.

The fucking ridiculous shoes
Second of all I was so excited to see Blake after being apart from him for 24 hours that I was nearly peeing in my panties. I later found that the moisture 'down there' was in fact not pee but was actually a little perspiration. Don't be so surprised, this shit happens. There's a lot going on down there you know. Men will never understand.

For evidential purposes, here is a photo of me fanning my fanny pre wedding ceremony. Trust me it was so hot that day there was a cue going out the door to use this breeze machine

Now that is some real life business right there.

So tell me people of the universe, what story line on TV right now is getting your tits in a tangle?


P.S Let it be known to all that one of my new life ambitions is to do a gig in just my bra & knickers like Lady Ga Ga. I've taken note & according to majority of MTV music videos it seems to be THE way to rock out now days. However I swear I won't do this until I've lost the 60kgs.


  1. *giggle* You said "pissflap". You are wonderful.

  2. Well I'd quite like to tangle my tits with Callie and Arizona!! :)


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