Saturday Morning Shit List: May 28th

1: Little berry pips in smoothies. It's like having an entire colony of little ants dressed in armour rolling around my mouth. Blake says shut up & swallow. Typical man.

2: People who poo in my toilet. One of Blake's friends who will remain nameless, always takes a mud in our toilet. I get that people need to defecate, it's a natural bodily function, but my issue is that I feel like he saves it until he gets to our house especially to annoy me. I caught him sneaking off to the bog the other day & I growled at him & told him to go an use the communal toilet over by the office. When he asked why I said "because your shit annoys me".

3: My hair brush. What the fuck is the point of having a hair brush that you need to prune?
I literally have to get the scissors out & give it a haircut. Yeah I know, I need to get a new one.

4: The guy from the North Island of NZ got an air compressor accidentally rammed up his bung hole. Actually it pierced his left cheek but I will go with my interpretation. Much more interesting. It nearly killed him & he's now become world famous for being bum fucked & nearly blown up in front of his workmates. I am glad he survived though. If you don't know what I'm talking about then please click HERE, especially if you want to hear the proper grown up story. Very similar to mine of course.

5: Cooking porridge in the radiation machine (microwave). I have issues with this seemingly easy task. It explodes. Every time.

6: Bandana's. They are not cool. If anyone tells you otherwise they are lying to your face.

Bandana's are even less cool (yep that is possible) if you wear them like a sweat band.

The only time this would be deemed as even remotely ok is if you were trying to cover up a lobotomy scar or if you are supporting the childrens cancer foundation.

7: The NZ's Rugby Sevens Team. They aren't shit. They are 'the shit' for winning the World Seven's 2011 series. Good job sexy sexy men. See picture below...........HELLO!





8: Starving myself on weigh in day. In my fucked up fat person brain I have convinced myself that if I don't eat or drink much on the day I have my weigh in, it will work in my favour. The worst thing about this little ritual I have established is that my Weight Watchers meeting isn't until 5:30 PM. So I spend all day basically snorting crumbs. I never stay for the meetings after I've weighed in because I would probably start chewing on the arm of the person I am seated beside. It's for their safety that I do not loiter.

9: How all the chef's on the food network channel sound like they're having orgasms when they taste their own food. No modesty there. I never understood the arrogance personally but hey, who am I to judge. I laugh at my own blogs posts. FYI - This guy isn't actually a chef but I needed some visual enhancement of this shit list addition. I have no idea whats wrong with his face but we'll just roll with it anyway.

10: Wedgies on the Exercycle. When the gym is busy, & there's 3 dudes on spin bikes sitting behind you, it is not pleasant when your undies decide to ride so far up in to the canyon of your crack that it will take surgery to get it removed. This happened to me yesterday. I wasn't in a position to de-wedge myself so I just had to cycle on through the pain. My ass chews on my undies like it's in a competition.

11: Hair that strangles you in your sleep. My hair does this to me a lot. I think it's pissed off about the state of the hairbrush.

12: Twitter spammers. I have just started using Twitter. It's my new addiction. What baffles me is if I use the word 'fuck' (you know I do) in a sentence, then quicker than you can say I-like-dancing-to Beiber-with-my -tits-out-& rainbows-painted-on-my-ass-cheeks, I'm getting all these messages from people telling me to click a link & see hot sexy fucking. Um no I'm good thanks. Then I use the word 'weight loss' & it's like a tornado of weight loss spam hits my inbox. "get your ass sucked off here", "to sell your excess vagina flab on the black market click here" etc. It's so god dam annoying but I don't know how to make it stop *sob.

If you want to add me on Twitter.... @BexstarD, find me. But just so you know, I'm totally not interested in watching any hot sexy fucking so don't bother asking.

Bx

Becky truth for today: When I was a younger I used to show my affections for people by throwing things at their head. Like a gumboot, or a piece of tree bark, or a handful of gravel. If I ever do it to you, take it as a compliment. It means I want to be your friend.